We dropped Scorch off at college yesterday for his freshman year. When I started this blog he was 4 and now he’s off playing college football, studying business and living (hopefully!) his best life.

And…I’m still processing.

I can look back on my kid’s childhood with very few regrets.** There are times I could have handled things better. Times I lost my shit when I shouldn’t have. Times I yelled instead of hugged. But I think – I hope – that these times are so vivid for me because they didn’t happen often. I hope my kids will read this one day and agree with me.

But this whole last year was a wild one. For a lot of reasons, it was the most stressful year ever when it came to parenting. There was a LOT of yelling. A lot of tears. A lot of pushing boundaries and breaking of rules and apologizing. A lot of forgiveness and heart-felt talks and a whole lot of love. A lot of realizing that your kid is their own person and they are going to make decisions that mystify you, but eventually your role is to be there when things explode instead of herding them towards the right decision. Because they know what’s right – but sometimes they are going to do the opposite anyhow. That’s how we all learn.

It was also the year of anticipation. There were so many senior year milestones that I felt like there were a lot of stops and starts. Last first day of high school. First football game. Senior Night. Homecoming. Last football game. Turning 18. First baseball game. Senior Night. College graduation (Scorch graduated with his Associate’s degree). Last baseball game. Prom. Senior trip. Graduation. Graduation Party. Orientation.

And now…college drop off.

This past summer was an odd one because I wanted to hoard my time with Scorch. I wanted alllllll the time with him because I could almost hear the countdown clock. But he wanted to be with his girlfriend and friends. And that’s how it should be, but it didn’t mean it was easy to navigate. The ticking clock got louder and louder these past two weeks and I found myself staying up until he got home at midnight or 1 am just to get a glimpse of him. Going to the gym just a tad bit earlier to have that time with him. Enticing him with favorite foods or little trips.

And then…he left.

And I cried myself to sleep a few nights before he went and made sure we had our tearful goodbye in our kitchen before we started our road trip to his college a few hours away so I wouldn’t lose it at the dorms. There was so much I wanted to say to Scorch before he left, but how the hell do you succinctly condense 18 years of love and laughter and tears and memories into a goodbye? I tried, but it’s impossible. I just hope he knows. I think he does.

And now…he’s there and we’re here.

Oddly enough, it’s good. It’s almost a relief that the waiting is over. We have arrived. We have hit the biggest milestone of all over this crazy year and we’re on the other side of it.

Scorch has only been gone 24 hours now, but the clock? It’s quieter. It still ticks, keeping two countdowns now – one for Bean’s junior year of high school and one for when we see Scorch at his first football scrimmage.

I’m sure there will still be fits of tears- there is a giant hole in my heart, afterall, right now. The house is too quiet, the portions I’m cooking for dinner too small, and all the lights in the house are turned off instead of on 24/7.

But now it’s time to take a deep breath. Hope we raised our baby boy right. Hope he knows that this will always be his home, and that we’ll always love him, and that his future is limitless if he wants it to be.

**One of those regrets? Realizing that Bean turned 16 last month and I haven’t blogged about it yet. #motheroftheyear