Scorch finishes his freshman year today. Which- how? I mean, I still remember sobbing the night before he went to college like it was yesterday. The gut punch when we got home after dropping him off, and I had to make a meal for 3 instead of 4. The worry those first couple of nights when he had to share a room with a freaking stranger (who is wonderful, and we adore). Checking his location obsessively, wondering if I was texting too much. Or not enough. Did he know we loved him? Were we (me) smothering him? And on and on and on….

And now – he’s home, like a nanosecond later.

I’m sure I’m not sharing anything earth shatter here, but here is what I learned during Scorch’s freshman year:

1. Everyone will adjust to the change quicker than you can imagine. That checking his location thing? The only time I do it now is when he’s driving to come home or if I need to call him and I’m not sure if he’s class.
2. Money-management isn’t everyone’s forte no matter how much you think you taught your kid. Technically, your 18+ year old doesn’t have to keep you on his bank account but Scorch did and let me tell you, we talked about money management A LOT this year. I went back and forth between panicking over how much he was spending AND saying f*** it, better he learn now that money doesn’t grow on trees than when he has rent due. Still not sure we did it right – but I was not prepared for that to be our main sticking point, so I’m warning you.
3. Your reply to allllllll school-related / sports-related questions and concerns from your kid, should always be to talk to their advisor / professor / coach. We had to talk Scorch through advocating for himself a lot at the start of the school year, but within a few weeks, he figured it out. Your answer should never be to reach out to his professor / coach unless it’s an extreme situation.
4. Kids are always going to need less dining dollars than you think, and want more flex spending dollars than you’d want.
5. Your kid is going to screw up. They just are. Hopefully it’s a fixable screw up and you can talk them through working to fix it if needed, but ultimately they’ll learn from these screw ups. YOU fixing it for them though? That doesn’t teach them anything.
6. Sometimes your kid just has to sit through the suck. I was warned that the 6-week mark of the fall semester was the hardest for everyone. For Scorch, that wasn’t the case b/c he was deep in football and loving life. But it was true of the Spring semester and, you know what? He lived. He talked about quitting football, going to a different school, etc- so we talked it out. I don’t want my kid to be miserable, but time went on and he found his groove again. Cutting and running isn’t always the answer.
7. The biggest lesson for me was letting go of what I can’t control. I can’t control how much sleep he gets, if he takes his meds, if he goes to classes, if he’s giving everything his all, if he’s eating well, and on and on. And pretending I could made us both crazy. I have to trust we raised a good kid who is going to make smart decisions. And if he doesn’t, that he’s mature enough to deal with the consequences, big and small. That doesn’t mean that we don’t try to guide and advise- but the ultimate control of Scorch’s life resides with him. Heaven help us all. 😉
8. When your kiddo goes away to school, schedule when you’re going to see them next. It’ll help your heart.
9. Know that when they do come home, you’re not going to be their top priority and make peace with that. Set time over the break to make sure you have a meal, take an outing, whatever- and then let them do their thing. The more you try to hold tight, the more they’re going to wrestle for their freedom after being at school.
10. Also know, the first couple breaks? They’re going to suck sometimes. You’re going to hear a gazillion versions of “I’m a grown up and you can’t tell me what to do.” It’s fun. So, again, talk before they come home about expectations. Respect and communication. House rules (read: we’re not a dorm). And if you co-parent, try to make sure you and your significant other decide on your rules before your kid comes home. There is nothing like one parent telling the kid to be home by 10:30 and the other not giving a curfew to make things testy in the house (ask me how I know?).
    

That’s all I got right now. If there is anything else I can share, including the dorm packing list, let me know.

And Scorch- welcome home, we’re so damn proud of you!