Jul25

17.

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Dear Bean-

At the time of my writing this, you’re 17. Why does that age seem so much older than 16? We’re going to have your senior pictures taken in a few days. We’re looking at colleges soon. 

And I’m still 100% in denial about it all.

When Scorch was going through all this, I took solace in the fact that you were still home with us. That relentless ticking clock took a year off – but now, it’s moving forward again and I’m not a fan. You’re my baby – how can you be a year away from graduating? It’s impossible.

This past year, with just the three of us at home while Scorch was at college, was weird. And quiet. And clean- so clean. Your bathroom was pristine and you loved it that way. It was also amazing- it is such a joy to have these two years of just you in the house. I adore our chats on the couch, car rides and one-on-one time together and I’m so, so glad we have it.

Your junior year was a good one! Aside from chem, you didn’t hate school, you kept busy with volleyball and unified sports. You’re never going to be the biggest fan of high school and that’s Ok. You don’t have to be. You’ve kept your friend group tight, while also branching out with other people in a group. 

The Bean at the barn.

You attended all the dances, faked enthusiasm at football games, and got your first job! You discovered very quickly that you much prefer a life of leisure to working, but you keep showing up and putting the time in! That said, I have no doubt you’ll start searching for a sugar daddy as soon as you can. 😉 

Senior year starts in 6 weeks or so, and we’re starting to talk about colleges and what path you’re going to take to get there. The career you have in mind right now has a gazillion different paths so I have no idea how this is going to look for you, but that’s part of the fun! 

This year, I hope:

  • You have fun. Whatever that looks like for you. Football games, or quiet nights with the girls – there is no wrong way to experience this year as long as you enjoy as much of it as possible!
  • You experience new things. You’re going to be interning at a hospital all year- try your hand at everything. See what you like and what you don’t like – it’s all invaluable. 
  • You stay close with your girls. A lot is going to change in the next year, but these friendships don’t have to. 
  • You meet new friends. It’s a big, wonderful world out there- don’t be afraid to let others in. 
  • You relax. Truly. You don’t have to have everything figured out right this minute. Your life is going to unfold like it should and it may not look anything like you expect- and that’s OK. Take it from someone who has spent this whole year letting go of things I can’t control – do your best to steer the ship, but don’t be afraid to go along for the ride.
  • You know how deeply you’re loved. No matter what, we love you. We support you. And we’ll always be your safe place to land.

So, my darling girl, that’s it! Keep being true to yourself – I cannot wait to see where this wickedly crazy, awesome life takes you.

All my love, 
Mom

May14

19.

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Dear Scorch-

When I started this blog, you were 4. And now? Now, you’re 19. I wonder when I’ll stop writing these birthday posts. At what point will you fully transition from my little boy to a full-fledged man in my eyes? I’m not sure, but I can tell you it’s not 19. 😉

One of my greatest delights when I look back at all your birthday posts, is seeing how much I adored you at every single age, during every single stage. And that streak hasn’t broken yet- every single year is my favorite for one reason or another. That said, the first 3rd of the year after you turned 18 was H.A.R.D. in so many ways. Lots of moments – big and small – suuuuuuuuucked so hard. We clashed big time – there was more yelling, tears, fights, slammed doors, quiet seething, and I’m sorry hugs in those 4 months than in your whole life.

But there were just as many moments that were absolute magic- your last season of baseball, seeing you graduate from two schools (college AND high school!), feeling all the feels when we dropped you off at school, watching you play in your first college football game AND score a touchdown, and hearing your stories of making friends and navigating a life completely separate from us.

I guess that’s the push and pull that happens when all the work you’ve put into your kid comes to fruition and your kid is ready to move on to the next stage of life. That child who was once an infant, then a toddler, then pre-schooler – that child whose whole wide world revolved around Mom and Dad and Sister. That child who was once a little kid, then a big kid, then a tween – whose life expanded to include friends and sports and hobbies, but who still loved his Mom and Dad and Sister best. That child who is now a teenager and whose world had grown so much bigger than Mom and Dad and Sister- who drives, and lives 2 hours away, and has friends we’ve never met. It’s exactly the life we want for you- but boy, it’s bittersweet when it arrives.

The good news is once we got past the first few months of you turning 18 and we got over the fear/worry/joy/sadness of you going to college and actually dropped you off, things smoothed out. We missed you like crazy- the house was so quiet and neat and boring without you – but we found our new normal. And we are so, so proud of how you handled your first year of college. Juggling coursework, playing a sport, and having a long-distance girlfriend is no joke, and you handled it with a lot of grace. That’s not to say it was easy, but you learned quickly how to advocate for yourself, and how manage your time and priorities, and you did a fantastic job of it!

So, here’s to 19 and enjoying this summer, working your first 9-5 job, and being responsible for a car alllll by yourself. And here is what I wish for you for this upcoming year:

  • Keep working hard. In school, at football, and at life. You’re not promised a damn thing, so put your energy and love into the things that make you happy and keep driving your life forward.
  • Know that this time you’re in is short and soak up every minute of it- the good, the bad, and everything in between. If you’re lucky, you’ve got 3 more years of college football- hold on to them tight with both hands because you’ll never be this young again.
  • Keep expanding your network of friends. Treat everyone you meet as someone who was sent to teach you something. Learn from their experiences, listen to their stories, and be a good friend in return. The world is a lot smaller than you think, so cherish every connection because you never know when it’ll become important.
  • Say yes to every opportunity. This is the time to learn what you like and what you don’t like – and you won’t figure that out until you’ve sampled as much of life as possible. Volunteering, internships, road trips- all of it. Say yes to all of it. Complacency is your worst enemy right now.
  • Know that you can jump because you’ll always have a safe place to land. Bud – I’m sure we’re not done clashing and butting heads – but our house will always be your home. You will always be welcomed here, supported here, and loved here, so swing for the fences knowing that we’re always behind you.

Happy 19th to you, my favorite son! We love you, we’re proud of you, and we cannot wait to see what this year brings!

Love,
Mom

May6

Year 1, Done

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Scorch finishes his freshman year today. Which- how? I mean, I still remember sobbing the night before he went to college like it was yesterday. The gut punch when we got home after dropping him off, and I had to make a meal for 3 instead of 4. The worry those first couple of nights when he had to share a room with a freaking stranger (who is wonderful, and we adore). Checking his location obsessively, wondering if I was texting too much. Or not enough. Did he know we loved him? Were we (me) smothering him? And on and on and on….

And now – he’s home, like a nanosecond later.

I’m sure I’m not sharing anything earth shatter here, but here is what I learned during Scorch’s freshman year:

  1. Everyone will adjust to the change quicker than you can imagine. That checking his location thing? The only time I do it now is when he’s driving to come home or if I need to call him and I’m not sure if he’s class.
  2. Money-management isn’t everyone’s forte no matter how much you think you taught your kid. Technically, your 18+ year old doesn’t have to keep you on his bank account but Scorch did and let me tell you, we talked about money management A LOT this year. I went back and forth between panicking over how much he was spending AND saying f*** it, better he learn now that money doesn’t grow on trees than when he has rent due. Still not sure we did it right – but I was not prepared for that to be our main sticking point, so I’m warning you.
  3. Your reply to allllllll school-related / sports-related questions and concerns from your kid, should always be to talk to their advisor / professor / coach. We had to talk Scorch through advocating for himself a lot at the start of the school year, but within a few weeks, he figured it out. Your answer should never be to reach out to his professor / coach unless it’s an extreme situation.
  4. Kids are always going to need less dining dollars than you think, and want more flex spending dollars than you’d want.
  5. Your kid is going to screw up. They just are. Hopefully it’s a fixable screw up and you can talk them through working to fix it if needed, but ultimately they’ll learn from these screw ups. YOU fixing it for them though? That doesn’t teach them anything.
  6. Sometimes your kid just has to sit through the suck. I was warned that the 6-week mark of the fall semester was the hardest for everyone. For Scorch, that wasn’t the case b/c he was deep in football and loving life. But it was true of the Spring semester and, you know what? He lived. He talked about quitting football, going to a different school, etc- so we talked it out. I don’t want my kid to be miserable, but time went on and he found his groove again. Cutting and running isn’t always the answer.
  7. The biggest lesson for me was letting go of what I can’t control. I can’t control how much sleep he gets, if he takes his meds, if he goes to classes, if he’s giving everything his all, if he’s eating well, and on and on. And pretending I could made us both crazy. I have to trust we raised a good kid who is going to make smart decisions. And if he doesn’t, that he’s mature enough to deal with the consequences, big and small. That doesn’t mean that we don’t try to guide and advise- but the ultimate control of Scorch’s life resides with him. Heaven help us all. 😉
  8. When your kiddo goes away to school, schedule when you’re going to see them next. It’ll help your heart.
  9. Know that when they do come home, you’re not going to be their top priority and make peace with that. Set time over the break to make sure you have a meal, take an outing, whatever- and then let them do their thing. The more you try to hold tight, the more they’re going to wrestle for their freedom after being at school.
  10. Also know, the first couple breaks? They’re going to suck sometimes. You’re going to hear a gazillion versions of “I’m a grown up and you can’t tell me what to do.” It’s fun. So, again, talk before they come home about expectations. Respect and communication. House rules (read: we’re not a dorm). And if you co-parent, try to make sure you and your significant other decide on your rules before your kid comes home. There is nothing like one parent telling the kid to be home by 10:30 and the other not giving a curfew to make things testy in the house (ask me how I know?).










That’s all I got right now. If there is anything else I can share, including the dorm packing list, let me know. 





And Scorch- welcome home, we’re so damn proud of you!

					


	

		


	
Dec2

	

											
Ode to My Kid’s First College Break

					
		

			
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When you have a little baby, you cannot imagine ever sending them off to school, but by the time they’re 5, they’re ready. Same goes with graduating elementary school – your baby can’t possibly be ready for middle school, but they are. The pattern continues when they graduate high school. That milestone is perhaps the hardest on a parent’s heart – but they are ready to move on and conquer something new. 





And you miss them like mad. There is a part of my brain that is always flashing, reminding me that Scorch isn’t home and it feels odd- like a dull ache that never really fades. 





Then your kid comes home for Thanksgiving. And just like all the other milestones you’ve been through with your kiddo, you’re So Ready for it. You are so damn happy to have your family together again. They are home. They are safe. The flashing stops.





But…they are also a little insufferable. They are trying to figure out how to react to answering to their parents again after months of freedom. They are not quite as enthused about spending allllll their time with you as you hoped they’d be. They discover the joy of Thanksgiving Eve.





And you? You’re exhausted wondering when they’ll actually get home each night. Wondering why the hell they can’t answer their texts when you know their phone never leaves their hands. Hoping they remembered to bring home a decent pair of pants for Thanksgiving dinner and that they aren’t hungover. 





Then the time is up and it’s time for them to go back to school. And you’re both ready. Dear lord, are you ready. But you’re also sad and your brain starts its little warning flash again.





But just like the pain that comes with childbirth, you’ll forget over the next 2 weeks how freaking stressful it was having them home, and you’ll be counting the days until they’ll be back for a whole freaking month at Christmas. 






					


	

		


	
Aug22

	

											
16.

					
		

			
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				16.			
				

Dear Bean-





Happy belated 16th birthday, gorgeous girl! I owe you a big apology for this one being so late. These past few months have been a whirlwind with your brother’s graduation, vacation, then getting him off to school. I know darn well you’ll take this as a sign that he is my favorite- while he’ll argue just as strongly that you are. So clearly I’m doing something right if I’m able to tick you both off at the same time. 😉 





The truth is, you’re my favorite daughter. You always have been, you always will be. 












So. 16. BIG birthday, kiddo. You’ve taken to driving super well and I haven’t even yelled at your once that you’re going to kill us! That’s a win for both of us. 





15 was a year for you! You played volleyball, hated geometry, loved social studies and stressed over your gazillion Regents exams. You got glammed up for some dances, learned about the wild, weird world of travel volleyball and went on your first girl’s trip with me. 












You are hysterically funny, deviously smart, and not above using all your strengths to get what you want. People think you’re quiet which always makes me giggle. I mean, you are around people you don’t know well or big groups, but among those you feel comfortable with? All bets are off. 





You love animals, spending time with your favorite people, chocolate, and, for some reason, Love Island and whatever scary/horror movie you can find. You can’t stand fake people, people who pretend to be dumb, or too much attention. In short, you’re pretty damn perfect as far as I’m concerned. I LOVE that this year you’ve started to not find me quite so cringy so we can go on adventures together, because you are one of my favorite people.












Varsity volleyball starts next week, and school the week after. If I can give you any advice for your junior year, it would be this:





– Relax. It’s going to be fine, I promise. You’ll do great in your classes if you study- and you always study. And no matter how hard it is, it’s not going to be geometry- level hard. You don’t need to know what you want to do when you grow up yet (or at 46 years old either). You don’t need to know where you’re going to college- life will work out. It always does.





– Enjoy. Take the time to have fun where you are right night. I know it’s hard sometimes, but dance on the sidelines, make friends in your classes, find a new hobby you love. Life can be hard- but don’t let it be harder than it needs to be. Find the joy and take it.





– Be kind. Give grace. Know that a lot of people have shit happening behind the scenes that you have no idea about. Don’t put up with people’s crap, but figure out what’s worth pushing back on and what’s worth getting out of the way of. 





You’re going to do great things, child-of-mine! Watching you grow is a joy and a privilage and we are so beyond lucky that you’re ours! We’ll try not to make the fact that you’re our only kid at home too painful for you, I promise. 





I love you,





Mom

					


	

		


	
Aug14

	

											
The One Where Scorch Goes to College

					
		

			
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We dropped Scorch off at college yesterday for his freshman year. When I started this blog he was 4 and now he’s off playing college football, studying business and living (hopefully!) his best life.





And…I’m still processing.





I can look back on my kid’s childhood with very few regrets.** There are times I could have handled things better. Times I lost my shit when I shouldn’t have. Times I yelled instead of hugged. But I think – I hope – that these times are so vivid for me because they didn’t happen often. I hope my kids will read this one day and agree with me.





But this whole last year was a wild one. For a lot of reasons, it was the most stressful year ever when it came to parenting. There was a LOT of yelling. A lot of tears. A lot of pushing boundaries and breaking of rules and apologizing. A lot of forgiveness and heart-felt talks and a whole lot of love. A lot of realizing that your kid is their own person and they are going to make decisions that mystify you, but eventually your role is to be there when things explode instead of herding them towards the right decision. Because they know what’s right – but sometimes they are going to do the opposite anyhow. That’s how we all learn.












It was also the year of anticipation. There were so many senior year milestones that I felt like there were a lot of stops and starts. Last first day of high school. First football game. Senior Night. Homecoming. Last football game. Turning 18. First baseball game. Senior Night. College graduation (Scorch graduated with his Associate’s degree). Last baseball game. Prom. Senior trip. Graduation. Graduation Party. Orientation.





And now…college drop off.





This past summer was an odd one because I wanted to hoard my time with Scorch. I wanted alllllll the time with him because I could almost hear the countdown clock. But he wanted to be with his girlfriend and friends. And that’s how it should be, but it didn’t mean it was easy to navigate. The ticking clock got louder and louder these past two weeks and I found myself staying up until he got home at midnight or 1 am just to get a glimpse of him. Going to the gym just a tad bit earlier to have that time with him. Enticing him with favorite foods or little trips.





And then…he left.












And I cried myself to sleep a few nights before he went and made sure we had our tearful goodbye in our kitchen before we started our road trip to his college a few hours away so I wouldn’t lose it at the dorms. There was so much I wanted to say to Scorch before he left, but how the hell do you succinctly condense 18 years of love and laughter and tears and memories into a goodbye? I tried, but it’s impossible. I just hope he knows. I think he does.





And now…he’s there and we’re here.





Oddly enough, it’s good. It’s almost a relief that the waiting is over. We have arrived. We have hit the biggest milestone of all over this crazy year and we’re on the other side of it.





Scorch has only been gone 24 hours now, but the clock? It’s quieter. It still ticks, keeping two countdowns now – one for Bean’s junior year of high school and one for when we see Scorch at his first football scrimmage.





I’m sure there will still be fits of tears- there is a giant hole in my heart, afterall, right now. The house is too quiet, the portions I’m cooking for dinner too small, and all the lights in the house are turned off instead of on 24/7.





But now it’s time to take a deep breath. Hope we raised our baby boy right. Hope he knows that this will always be his home, and that we’ll always love him, and that his future is limitless if he wants it to be.





**One of those regrets? Realizing that Bean turned 16 last month and I haven’t blogged about it yet. #motheroftheyear






					


	

		


	
May24

	

											
18.

					
		

			
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Dearest Scorch-





The day you were born feels like yesterday. We didn’t know if we were having a boy or a girl when you were born- but I was secretly convinced that you were a girl. When you were born, and they told me you were a boy, it took me a solid minute to rearrange the life I had imagined for us. Hair bow swapped out for ball caps, blues instead of pinks, and trucks instead of tutus.





What I could have never, ever imagined is how amazing our life would really be and just how quickly time would fly by. Because, bud, it feels like I just held you for the first time. Watched you roll over, crawl and then walk. Heard your first word, saw your first smile, and walked you into your first day of school.












But it wasn’t. It was 18 years ago. 





Happy birthday, my not-so-baby boy! To know you is to love you. You are one of the absolute joys in my life and simply cannot imagine a life without you in it. You are funny, and smart, and dedicated, and determined, and loved beyond measure. You are everything I always wanted in a child and so amazingly uniquely you.





17 was a YEAR, kiddo. A year of emotions and changes and feelings and fights and apologizing and figuring things out. But through it all, we keep talking. We keep trying. We keep working for an amazing future for you. It’s not always easy- there are times I want to throttle you and I’m 99.9% sure you feel the same way. There have been shouting matches and slammed doors and tears and things have seemed like a hot, huge mess. But there has also been laughing till we snort, big hugs, soft words, and moments I hope I never forget. There have been road trips, vacations, tournaments, milestones, and feeling like I may burst from the love I feel for you.












It’s impossible to put into words how unbelievably *proud* I am of you. You don’t always get it right (but then again, neither do I), but you always put the work in. You always are there when people need you. You are an inspiring leader, a good friend, and a fantastic person. If you need to learn anything, it’s how to put yourself, your feelings, and your desires first. It’s OK to take up space and have an opinion on things- being a people pleaser doesn’t mean having to tie yourself up into a pretzel just to make someone else happy.





You graduate from high school next month, bud. You have had a fantastic 12 years in school- you played sports, were on student council, pretended to be an anchorman at basketball games, partook in every damn pep rally in school, made friends out of your teachers and, I hope, enjoyed your last 4 years of school as much as possible. You expanded your friend group, dealt with some bumps in the road, navigated a long-term romantic relationship, were team captain x3, and made a mountain of memories that I hope you cherish. Not like in a “Glory Days” way- but in a “I made the most of time” way.












And now in less than 3 months, you go to college. I can’t even write it without getting a lump in my throat because I am NOT ready for this step. But you are and I’m so proud of you for it. Where to go wasn’t an easy decision, but I’m hopeful that you made the right decision and that you’ll thrive. I cannot wait to see you blossom and grow, to meet your new friends, to watch you play football and to see who you become when you’re living your best life. But like…not too good of a life, you know? 😉





So here is what I hope for you in your 18th year on this planet:





1. I hope you learn that you do not bear the responsibility of the world. You can do what makes you happy- that’s not selfish, that’s human. Your needs and wants are more than valid and it’s OK to put your foot down and voice them. Some things can’t be compromised about and if you don’t learn the art of give and take, you’re not going to be nearly as happy as you deserve to be.





2. I hope you LOVE college. Like- love it. I hope you take advantage of everything at your fingertips in the best, healthiest way. Make new friends, take allllll the classes, find your people, learn how to live in a shared space, develop your leadership skills, and work hard. We cannot wait to see you succeed.





3. And if you don’t succeed, if you mess up or this college / roommate / team isn’t for you, I hope you learn resiliency and how to embrace change. Life isn’t perfect- but outside of death and having babies – there is nothing that can’t be fixed or changed. Learn from what you’ve been through, adjust course and keep going.





4. I hope you always remember that home is your safe space. It’s where you can talk through everything, share your thoughts, hide from the world and be celebrated when you excel. It’s full of people who love you and are always here for you no matter how old you get. That will never change.





5. I hope you enjoy this wild ride called life. It goes by fast, bud- so take advantage of every opportunity presented to you. Travel. Make new friends, but cherish the old ones. Work on your relationships. Don’t hold silly grudges. Keep working on being the healthiest – physically and mentally – that you can be. The ONLY person in this world that can make you happy, is you. So put the time in to becoming a person you’d want to be friends with.





6. I hope you freaking love playing college football. I hope you remain the coachable, driven, determined player you’ve always been. We cannot wait to watch you play, learn and grow as a person and a player.












Most of all, bud, we hope you continue to grow into the amazing person we know you are. You are one of the two biggest blessings in our lives and parenting you for 18 years has been a privilege we don’t take for granted. I’m going to be a mess these next 3 months – I’m going to cling too hard, cry a lot and probably ask for a lot of your time. But that doesn’t take away one iota from how excited I am for you for the life you’re building. You’ve worked hard for every good thing you’ve earned, so enjoy every second, keep your head on straight and know that you are loved beyond words. 





Happy 18th, baby boy. We love you.





– Mom

					


	

		


	
Jul27

	

											
15.

					
		

			
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My dearest Bean-





You turned 15 this month. You remarked earlier this week that I hadn’t written your post yet and, obviously, you’re completely right. I worry that you think I don’t write your posts in a timely manner because I don’t care as much or you’re not a priority. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is every birthday with you is my last first- this is the last time any child of mine will turn 15. With your brother, milestones are somewhat easier to deal with because I can relive them with you two years later. But with you, my darling child- you’re it.






The Bean as a newborn, wearing a pale pink knit hat and sucking on a pink flowered paci.






And that’s how it should be. After all, you’re the final piece that tied our family together from the minute you were born. And now you’re 15 and I’m spending a lot of time wondering where the time went. Did we give you a good childhood? Do you know how loved you are? Did we have enough fun? Make enough memories? Scar you for life? You’re the only one with those answers but I’m hoping we did okay.





14 was a great year for you! You did so well your freshman year of high school- you took a ton of challenging courses, had to navigate new social situations, went to some fancy dances, and kept your BFFs by your side through it all. You complained, you grumbled, you begged to be homeschooled a few times – but through it all, I think you had a good year! People aren’t your thing so school is challenging- your batteries are *drained* when you get home, my little introvert- but you still came home with more good stories than complaints, so I’m calling it a win.












You continue to be the most unapologetically “you” person that I know. Your sense of self is a marvel and while it can be super annoying that you don’t budge or bend easily- I admire you so much. You are who you are, you like who you are, and to heck with anyone who doesn’t like it. I hope you always stay true to yourself because you’re amazing. You’re funny, smart, and witty with *the* best timed sarcastic comments. I liken your brother to a golden retriever – but you, my child, are a cat. Slinky, a little shy, always on alert and only welcoming to affection on your terms.





So- now you’re 15. You’re going into 10th grade- and you need to stop panicking about what you’re doing with the rest of your life. Because, girl, I’m 45 and still figuring that out. However your life plays out, it’s going to be awesome- you wouldn’t settle for anything less. Here’s what I wish for you this next year:





– Hang on to your best friends with both hands. L & A are the absolute best and I cannot wait for the 3 of you to visit me in my nursing home when I’m 90 and you’re 60 and watch you three still cackling together like loons.





– Make room for new people too. Open yourself up just a hair to the people around you- I promise you they all aren’t annoying. 😉





– Keep your options open. Yes, I know marrying a rich old guy sounds like a sound long-term plan, but keep exploring what interests you so you can stand firmly on both feet just fine by yourself.





– Keep only the relationships that nurture you and bring you joy – whether that’s with family, friends or a significant other.





– Never underplay your intelligence because you’re scary smart. And if you don’t know something, ask. There is no shame in getting help *or* in flaunting your brains, because you have a lot of them!





– Don’t stress. Yes, hello- pot meet kettle, right? But really- relax. Things have a way of working out- just keep moving forward, take advantage of all the opportunities you have and things will play out like they’re supposed to.





– Be kind. In this world of ours, there are alllll sorts of people. Live and let live, kiddo- be kind to others and expect kindness back.












I cannot wait to see how this year unfolds for you! Enjoy every minute you can and stay true to yourself. Parenting you is one of my biggest privileges – you are so loved, never forget that.





All my love,





Mom

					


	

		


	
Jun6

	

											
And We’re Going to Have Fun!

					
		

			
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The push and pull of raising older teens came to a head last night. We are a vacation family – meaning traveling and taking vacations is something we have chosen to prioritize with my kids their whole lives. Every year we take at least one big trip – in the past 10 years or so, it’s been to the Outer Banks in NC. It’s a solid 10+ hours away from home but we can rent a house big enough for our extended family. We alternate years between my family and the Hub’s family and we *love* these vacations. Grandparents, siblings, nieces and nephews – it’s a great way to reconnect at the beach.












Unless you’re 17, invited to 4 different college showcase camps all on the weekend we’re gone, and don’t want to go.  Then, vacation is a battle.





And I get this, I do. I remember how BIG all my feelings were as a teen and missing these camps does suck. It does.





But we’re – all FOUR of us – are going on vacation. I try to be accommodating and flexible with my kids but this year? No. No way. Nope. This is our *last* full summer before Scorch goes to college and he’s going on this vacation even if I have to take him kicking and screaming. And we’re going to have fun, damn it!





…And once we do, I’ll come to terms with the fact that I don’t get to put my foot down for much longer. That my kids will make their own decision on how and where they want to spend their time – and I can really hope the lure of a free vacation means they spend that time with us. 😉

					


	

		


	
Jun4

	

											
Limbo Land

					
		

			
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That’s kinda where I feel like I live right now. My kids, 17 and almost 15, were 4 and 2 when I started this blog. I was in the thick of things with a toddler and a preschooler. Days of sleeping in and going to bed when I want to and free time seemed like a mirage on the horizon. But, now here we are. Admittedly I’m not much for sleeping in – but these days I go to bed before my kids. My oldest drive himself and his sister to school every day. If we’re not in the middle of a sports season, the Hubs and I have free time. Oodles of it. 

I’m still parenting every single day and I’m so thankful for that – but I’m not in the trenches like I was.

So…what do I write about? Who am I? Scorch is going to college in 14 months. The Bean will follow 2 year later. This past weekend we went out on TWO date nights with friends- one of which Scorch and his friends joined us on because…well, they could and we love their company. 

I’ve lost my desire to document all the things because all the things aren’t universal like they were when the kids were little. Instead, the kids are teens going through their own shit and I’m a woman in my mid-40s going through my own shit. And instead of being able to share adorable anecdotes and memories, if I’m going to blog, I’m going to have to blog about *me*. And that’s scary. 





But it also feels necessary because I feel like we (me??) need to talk about this stuff as much – or maybe even more – than we needed to talk about the hard part of raising little kids. Because in the midst of raising those little kids, we (me??) lose ourselves. We introduce ourselves as “Scorch’s / Bean’s Mom” instead of Heather. We put a lot of our lives on pause to help them live their best lives – and I’m so glad I had the luxury and ability to do so. And I’m even more glad that I don’t buy into that bullshit that parenting stops when your kid turns 18 – raising my kids is the greats privilege and joy in my life and that doesn’t end. Ever.





But- I have a lot more time on my hands now. I’m trying to figure out what the hell my marriage looks like when we’re both not ships passing in the night and as the Hubs is counting down the days till retirement. My body is going through this wild thing called perimenopause and it’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever had to deal with – for a solid week every month, I’m either raging or weeping and NOT ONE DOCTOR CARES. 





So, hi. I’m Heather. I turn 45 this summer. I adore my husband and my kids. I read more trashy novels in a year than is probably healthy. I have the best family and friends I could ever ask for. I have a solid patch of grey at my temples that comes back no matter how often I dye it. I’m so excited to see what the next 5-10 years hold but I also want to freeze time so my kids stop growing. I own 3 cats and am trying sooooo hard not to get a dog because I don’t want a dog- but I kinda sorta do. My life is *still* wickedly crazy awesome – it just looks a lot different than it did when I started this blog. So, now’s the time to stop blogging so much about my kids and start blogging about me. 












I also swear a lot. So…buckle up.