Are You There God, It’s Me…


You know how before you had your kids, you totally knew what kind of parent you were going to be? I knew, for example, that I was going to be that mom that was cool and laid back about all my kids questions. No matter what the subject, I was going to answer my kids honestly and openly and create a really good dialogue so my kids felt listened to and were well educated.

Yeah. Then I had kids and now I lie to them all the time because MY GOD- what did you just ask me?!

My kids have skirted around the issue of where babies come from. So far most of their questions about baby making have been so vague I can easily avoid giving them the (age appropriate) details.  However, they do know how babies are born– a process which Bean thinks is disgusting and awful. So I shouldn’t have been surprised the other day when she asked me how a lady could make sure she didn’t have a baby.

I admit- I froze. What in the holy hell do I tell her? She doesn’t know where babies come from, so obviously discussions about abstinence and birth control weren’t even remotely possible. So I did what I do best- I lied. I told her that if a lady doesn’t want to have a baby, she just has to tell God 3 times very seriously that she doesn’t want to be a mom and God will take care of the rest.

Her response? “Well, I’m going to tell God 100 times that I don’t want want to be a mom because I really don’t want to have a kid. Ever.”I’ve heard her whispering her prayer every single night, reminding God that she doesn’t want to be a mom.

My kids are so screwed having me as their primary source of information, aren’t they?!


In all seriousness- anyone know of any good birds and the bees books I can have on hand for when I have to actually share the truth with the kids?


About Heather

I adore my family, writing, books, cats, lazy mornings in bed, and chocolate. I'll never say no to breakfast for dinner, long talks with friends and lazy summer days at the pool with family. My life is often crazy, always awesome and one I'm so happy to be living! My side hustle is editing and proofing work. Find out more at

One response »

  1. Ha, trust her to put a tricky spin on an already tricky topic! I have focused more on personal safety stuff with our body books, but I know there are good ones out there for the s-e-x. I’m endlessly grateful the kids didn’t have more questions during my pregnancy!! Love the Blume reference, btw. She taught me way more than my parents ever did 😉

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