Author Archives: Heather

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About Heather

I adore my family, writing, books, cats, lazy mornings in bed, and chocolate. I'll never say no to breakfast for dinner, long talks with friends and lazy summer days at the pool with family. My life is often crazy, always awesome and one I'm so happy to be living! My side hustle is editing and proofing work. Find out more at https://heathercaryn.com/
Jul27

The Dreaded Question

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Before I had kids, I knew exactly how I was going to raise them. When they asked me hard questions about death, drugs or sex, I wasn’t going to duck, I was going to answer my kids truthfully and directly.  All my kids confusion would be cleared up and I’d stay in the running for Mother of the Year.

Yeah- then the first hard question was thrown at me when Scorch was 3 and I realized that at heart, I’m a coward.  When it comes to the hard questions I either deflect with at “What do you think?” or I give my kids so much info that their little heads explode. I don’t seem to have an in-between.

I’m starting to panic a little because I know one of the biggest questions of all- Where Do Babies Come From?– is looming on the horizon.  It seems like we’re inundated with babies and pregnancies around us lately- Baby Lala, my best friends baby, and now the kid’s awesome nanny, Mary, is pregnant.  My kids have already told me point blank that I need to have another baby and asked when can they get another brother or sister, so I know the question is coming.

Somebody please help me!  How should I handle this question with a 5 year old (and a 3 year old, if the Bean decides to listen in)?  Do I keep it vague with the old standby a “When a man and a woman love each other, then give each other a special hug…” spiel?  Should I get a book to read to him? Should a 5 year old be told what sex is?  I shouldn’t think so, but lord knows kids now know a heck of a lot more then I did.  So please- I beg of you.  Tell me how you handled this question with your kids. Share with me your book recommendations.  Please- help the Hubs & me not screw this up and scar our kids for life!

Jul25

Go to Sleep

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Tonight was one of those nights I felt like the father in the book Go the F* to Sleep.  Have you guys seen this book? Or better yet, have you heard Samuel L Jackson narrating the book? Warning: the language is obscene and you’ll most likely hurt yourself from laughing so hard.

Instead of putting the kids to bed at different times, we’re putting them to bed at the same time this summer.  Scorch is going to bed a tad earlier, the Bean a tad later, so we can do fun things in the evening- picnics, concerts, play date, BBQs.  Most of the times this works out fine- it’s chaotic, but it’s fine.  Then I have nights like tonight.  Nights when:

> I leave the kids unattended in the bathroom (Bean getting read to use the toilet and Scorch brushing his teeth) for 2 minutes and come back to find a spilled cup of water in my magazine rack and the Bean with her foot in the (clean) toilet water.

> Scorch and Bean jump on Scorch’s bed together (something not typically allowed) and I let it slide because clearly these two have to work their sillies out somehow. We may or may not have said our nightly prayers while they were jumping- I’ll never tell.

> the Bean wants her covers just so, but she can’t explain what just so is so we both end up red faced and frustrated because neither one of us get what the other one is saying.

> Scorch and the Bean need band-aides for various reasons (bug bites, scratches, imaginary boo-boos) but can’t leave the band-aides alone so they need another one. Then another one.

> 2 ice cubes in the Beans water is simply not enough, she wants 3.  And she wants to get the water and the ice herself and put the top on her cup herself, resulting in more spilled water.

I handled most of this with grace (I swear), all the while thinking about the book.  I would never, ever swear at my kids- I don’t never like to say “butt” in front of them. But I will surely think bad words at them.  A lot.

Jul21

Whistler’s Mother

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Scorch taught himself how to whistle over the past month.  It started out harmless enough- he’d sit in his car seat and simply blow air out of his puckered lips.  I, being the idiot I am, encouraged him and occasionally he’d actually blow hard enough to produce what sounded like a whistle.  We’d all cheer for him and that would be that.

Until he somehow moved from just blowing air silently to whistling all. the. time.

He can’t carry a tune, he can’t whistle a song, so it’s just mindless, tuneless whistling all the time.  He whistles in bed before falling asleep, he whistles while he colors, he whistles while watching TV, he whistles while in the bathroom, he whistles in the car.  Scorch never, ever stops whistling.  He’s so proud of himself, so very thrilled he’s learned this “big person” skill so I would never say anything to him to dim his enthusiasm.

What I will do though is buy ear plugs.

Jul20

Nights Like These

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Some nights I lay in bed wondering why I ever thought having 1 kid, let alone 2, was a smart idea.  It usually happens on one of those nights where I feel like I spent the 3 hours I have with the kids after work but before bed correcting them. Nights where they can’t stop touching, hitting, pushing, pulling, prodding, snarking and just being mean to each other for 2 minutes.  Nights when my mantra is “pick your battles”- but there are no battles to pick because hitting your sister in the throat is dangerous and calling your brother stupid is unacceptable.  Night when I wonder if I’m raising crazy people. Nights where I feel like I’ve spent my whole evening yelling, threading and generally being the bad guy.

And I don’t like being the bad guy. I love being a mom and I adore my kids, so sometimes I make sure we have nights like we had today.

A night where we hop in the car 10 mins after I’m done working (just enough time to stuff dinner in a cooler & put on our swim suits) and head to our local beach.  A night when PB&J, pretzels and watermelon is considered a gourmet dinner because it’s eaten on a picnic table over looking the lake. A night when I encourage the kids to chase each other and to get each other as we play Shark in the water for an hour.  A night when the times we laugh far, far outweigh the times we annoy each other or the time I have reprimand a kid.  A night where we simply enjoy each others company and concentrate on having fun, not on making dinner, doing dishes and folding the laundry.  A night we have to repeat as many times as possible this summer.

 

Jul18

Worst Mom EVER

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Last week I had the great idea to take two tired kids to an outdoor concert that started right at the Bean’s bedtime.  They held it together great at the concert and we had a great time dancing and play. The trouble started when it was time to go home.

Somewhere between the park and our car (about a quarter of a block), Scorch decided that we just had to stop by the store on our way home to buy him a toy.  I tried explaining to him that no, we don’t just buy toys for the heck of it- he gets them for birthdays, Christmas & when he earns them.  He was not happy.  Turns out he thought since the Bean was having a birthday, he too should get toys because otherwise it simply wasn’t right. And when Scorch thinks things aren’t right, he tells me loudly, with tears.

“Mom- it’s unfair that I don’t get a toy too.  Do you know what unfair means? It means that it’s not fair. If the Bean gets toys on her birthday, then I get toys then too otherwise it’s unfair.”  (I love it when my kids give me vocabulary lessons!)

I tried explaining to Scorch that no,  each of them have a birthday once a year and on his birthday, the Bean didn’t get any toys, so he doesn’t on her birthday.  He wasn’t having it, so he kept up his rant/crying/pleading/threatening tirade the entire 15 minute ride home.   When we got home, he seemed to have realized that his words weren’t making a dent, so he grabbed some chalk and drew me a picture on the driveway as I was getting the Bean out of the car.  Behold:

When I asked Scorch what he drew, he told me it was a picture of Sad Scorch crying because he had the worst mom ever. The picture is still on our driveway and I laugh every time I see it- it’s a wonder that boy has the will to get out of bed in the mornings with me as his mother.

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Quick side note- my niece, the incredible Baby Lala, now weighs over 10 lbs!!  Not to shabby for a kid who started out life at less then 2 lbs big!

Jul14

Love Thursday: The Birthday Girl

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Dear Beaner-

Happy birthday, baby girl!  You’re 3 now- a fact that seems to shock you as much as it does me.  Since your birthday you’ve asked me at least once a day if you’re still 3.  When I tell you that, yes, you are still 3, you ask me what happened to 2?  I love how your brain works, little girl and I wish I could come up with an answer that satisfied you.

Part of me can’t believe that you’re already 3- weren’t you just born? I think your birth is seared into my brain forever- the fact that I couldn’t get an epidural, trying to literally strangle the doctor delivering you, the shock finding out that you were a girl and then, finally, the feeling that life would never, ever be the same because you were in it.

And it hasn’t- you changed everything.  You may be tiny, little girl, but you have the biggest personality I know.  You will not be ignored and you demand attention when you want it any way you can.  Sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes you make me question all my parenting skills.  You simply know your own mind and you expect people to fall into line accordingly.

But the other part of me thinks you’ve always been here. I have a hard time picturing what our family was like before you were in it- it must have been so quiet!!

Thankfully, the times when you’re a totally delight far outnumber the times you act like a drunk dictator with a mood disorder. You have a wicked, sly sense of humor that is a joy to watch.  You’re quick to figure people out and know just how to push their buttons- especially Scorch’s.  It amazes me how quickly you can make him nuts.  As the oldest of my siblings, I so sympathize with him.  As your mom, I laugh hysterically after you go to bed over how you’ve manage to manipulate him.  You two are so much fun to watch together this past year as you’ve gotten to be more of a friend instead of a baby.  You race around the house playing tag, puppies, dinosaurs, hide & seek and what ever else your little brains can come up with.   There is nothing I like to hear more as I’m working then the sound of you and your brother’s pounding feet and loud laughter above me.

Bottom line is, we love you madly and deeply.  3 is going to be a huge year for you as you start school full time.  I’m terrified about this- but more for my sake then yours.  You are going to soar at school- I can’t wait to see you find your way in the world separate from us.  But no matter how far you may travel, you know you can always, always count on your Dad and I to be here for you. We will always love you, support you and believe in you because you are simply amazing.

Jul13

Post Vacation Blues

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There are fat ton of things I don’t like about coming home from vacation. The laundry.  Going through all my work emails. Grocery shopping because there isn’t a blessed things to eat in the house. Dealing with my very needy cats who just want to snuggle at 2 am right on your chest. Getting the sand out of my car.

But the thing I dislike the most is how much I miss my family when we get home.

While we’re on vacation, there is no schedule and no stress about bills to pay or calls to return. It’s just fun- you sleep until the kids wake you up, you spend your day at the beach, the kids nap for 2 hours, then you go back to the beach, eat ice cream for dinner and let the kids stay up much, much later then is smart.  And you have a wonderful time doing so!  You have no choice but to spend almost all your waking hours together and magically everyone gets along. The kids are at their best and there are no time outs (well…almost none) or fits thrown.

And them…bam! It’s over and you’re back to the hustle and bustle of real life. Schedules and bedtimes and to-do lists that don’t include  “dig for sea shells” or “sleep late” on them.   Thankfully the life we had to return to is a good one, but it still doesn’t mean I don’t miss the magic of the beach.

Good thing I still have 400+ photos to go through to remind me of the fun we had. 😉

Jul12

Lesson Learned

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My kids are smart.  So smart, in fact, that sometimes I forget that there are simple basic things that they don’t know, nor can they be expected to know, unless I tell them.  I was reminded of that fact yesterday.

Scorch has always had a thing for drawing with his fingers in the dirt that coats our car.  Last year when he started parochial school he started replacing his scribbles with crosses. Those crosses were drawn on to all the sides of the car any chance he got- we joked that we were driving around in the red-neck version of the Popemobile.  This year, as Scorch learned how to write all his letters the crosses got phased out and instead we started driving around the Alphabetmobile.  Scorch also has a thing for rocks. The boy is an avid fossil hunter, so he’ll pick up rocks any place he can.  Park, playgrounds, parking lots- he very rarely leaves a place without a rock or five to take with him.

Never had the two obsessions met- until yesterday.

It honestly never dawned on the Hubs or I to tell Scorch to never use a rock to drawn letters on our car.  I just (wrongly) assumed he knew that was a Bad Idea.  But, really- how could he know? A 5 year old has no concept that a rock could scratch the paint on a car.

The second Scorch said to me yesterday in the parking lot, “Mom- look what I made with this awesome rock!” I knew what he did.  I inwardly screamed, but I didn’t freak out on him even though there is now a nice small (thank goodness) “X” carved in my door.  I wanted to lose my temper and just yell- I had already dealt with a flat tire and a screaming 3 year old in the past hour and this? This was just the icing on the cake.  But we never taught Scorch this, we never told him explicitly that using a rock on the car’s paint is wrong- how was he to know.  So instead of yelling at the kid, I explained to him why he could never do that again and took the kids home and put them to bed.

Then I had a big bowl of ice cream and prayed for a better day today.

Jul11

Beach Bums

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We are home after a wonderfully relaxing 10 days off, 7 of which were spent at the beach!  Heaven, I tell you- it was heaven. We were in South Carolina- the beach was gorgeous, the water was warm, the waves were big enough to be fun but not too big to scare the kids, the company was wonderful  and the weather was perfect for 6 out of the 7 days.  Really, what more could you ask for?

I did, of course, learn a thing or two on vacation- I mean, how can you not when you’re driving 13 hours and staying in a house with 18 people for 7 days?

> 5 and 3 year olds can be rock stars in the car for really long periods of time, but only if you have a DVD playing. If not, they have amazing accuracy when throwing things at each other- things like markers, crayons, baby dolls and flip flops.

> 7 hours in to a drive, I frankly don’t care if they were throwing things as long as it wasn’t at me and they weren’t screaming.

> Jelly fish stings don’t hurt as much as I thought they would, but I wouldn’t recommend them (and no, you don’t have pee on them to make them stop hurting).

> Hunting for awesome sea shells never gets old.

> Having your kids share a room is hysterical especially if you have the baby monitor on to overhear them. My favorite is when Scorch some how got his foot stuck in the slats of the Bean’s crib when he was asking her smell his feet (no, I don’t know why- they are odd kids).

> Big cousins are the coolest people on earth and they can get my kids to do anything- even overcoming their fears to jump into the deep end of the pool. That is how we found out that Scorch can keep himself afloat without his floaties- nothing like trial by fire (and yes, a few years were shaved off my life when he pulled that stunt).

> Ice cream at the beach tastes better then ice cream anywhere else.

 

Jul5

She Drives Him Crazy

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If I haven’t made it abundantly clear here before, let me do so now- my kids have very different personalities.  Scorch is my sensitive guy- he tells you how he’s feeling and wants to so very much to please you.  The Bean? Not so much- she’s basically a mystery to me.

She’s got two new tricks are making life interesting.  The first is telling us that she doesn’t love us any more.  I have no idea where she picked up on that- if anything the Hubs and I go overboard by always telling the kids that we love them. But somehow that little stinker has realized that if she tells poor Scorch she doesn’t love him any more, she has the power to send him into a complete tizzy. He gets upset and so confused over this- why doesn’t she love him? What can he do to make her love him? The whole thing makes him nuts.

Her second way to get under his skin essentially involves treating Scorch like he’s escaped from the asylum. Last week the kids and I were in the bathroom getting cleaned up. Scorch was exhausted- he was up uber-late the night before and it was nap time, so he was just in complete meltdown mode.  I put him in timeout because he was being rude, so he crumbled on floor, carrying on. Beaner went right up to him, crouched down to his level, started stroking his shoulder and talking to him like one would a crazy person. “It’s OK, Scorch- just calm down. It’ll be OK.” all in this soothing voice.   I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel he was so mad at her for treating him like that. I had to walk away because I was laughing so hard, all the while yelling at the Bean to leave the poor kid alone.  Well, once she saw that this tact got an even bigger rise out of her big brother, that’s been her go-to method to get instant attention from him.

The scary part? She’s only 2. I can’t tell if I’m raising a psychological genius or a sociopath.