Author Archives: Heather

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About Heather

I adore my family, writing, books, cats, lazy mornings in bed, and chocolate. I'll never say no to breakfast for dinner, long talks with friends and lazy summer days at the pool with family. My life is often crazy, always awesome and one I'm so happy to be living! My side hustle is editing and proofing work. Find out more at https://heathercaryn.com/
Jan27

Just Like Her Mom

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One of my dearest friends is someone I’ve never seen in person, or even talked to on the phone.

Heather and I met 8+ years ago on a message board when we realized our husbands shared similar, rather unique, jobs.  At first we just corresponded through the message board but soon started talking via Instant Messaging. Pretty soon we started talking at once a day during the week even if it’s just for a few minutes to say hi.

Over the years we’ve been each others sounding boards as we’ve bought homes, dealt with infertility, our husband’s job hazards, family drama, illnesses, car accidents, job upheavals, and now finally, kids.  I’ve made it no secret about how we built our family, and Heather’s made it no secret how their daughter, K, came into their life.

Long story very short (seriously- go read the details, it’s so well worth it!) Heather and her husband adopted K when she was 11 years old out of the foster care system.  K is a gorgeous almost-12 year old now that looks so much like her parents it’s eerie.  She had a rough upbringing- from a very premature birth which has caused a few long term health issues, to the lack of stability in her life and never having a family, until now, to call her own.

Raising a little girl in today’s world scare me- a lot. Which is why I’m so very glad Heather gets to go first on this one. And right now they have entered a small rough patch where K is starting to care -a lot – about what other people think of her.  Instead of celebrating her uniqueness, K is starting to want to just fit in.

I will have all of Beaner’s life to work on sculpting her self-esteem and confidence.  Heather’s had a little over a year to prepare for this.  She’s wrestling with that big time now and I was hoping some of my very wise readers may have some thoughts. Just how can you foster confidence and ambition on a tween? How do you teach them to laugh off their insecurities and to realize just how great they are?  Because K is more then great- she’s awesome. Just like her Mom.

 

Jan26

Apples & Oranges

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When I was pregnant with Scorch, we’d always sit behind the same family at Mass on Sunday.  Mom, little boy and baby sister. Baby sister was a stinker. Loud,  active and  never able to sit still.

One Sunday, baby sister was around 2 and she was acting up- she kept wanting to go into the aisle.  Finally the mom had enough and she got right down to the little girls level and hissed at her “Don’t you dare put one toe outside of this pew, young lady!”  She meant business- heck, she scared me.

Baby sister kept her eyes right on her mom and very carefully, very deliberately took her right foot and stomped it in the aisle.

The Hubs and I never laughed so hard in church- all the while praying that the baby we were having wasn’t a thing like that little girl.

And Scorch isn’t.  He listens. He stays where you tell him to. He doesn’t poke around into things he shouldn’t. And he typically asks for permission before doing anything. When he does step out of line, a stern talking to does the trick with him. He may not like it, he may cry his little eyes out, but he’ll behave himself.

The Bean? Not so much.

I never had to tell Scorch not to eat the snow off the bottom of his boots when we’re driving someplace.

Scorch never shimmed under the baby gate to get into the cat’s room, opened a bag of dirty cat litter and ran his hands all through it. (still gagging over that one)

Scorch never ran faster away from us when we yelled STOP in Target.

It’s a damn good thing that Scorch was born first otherwise there may not have been a second kid.

 

 

Jan24

Save Your Drama for Your Mama

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Some one evidently shared the saying in the title with Scorch the minute he exited the womb because he’s been doing just that from day 1.  My sweet little boy isn’t prone to temper tantrums or angry outbursts when he’s upset.  Nope, he channels all his feelings of anger and frustration into tears. Copious amounts of them.  I have to admit after his first bazillion tears were shed, they’ve pretty much lost their potency and I’ve become immune.

So Scorch pulled out a new weapon in his arsenal this past weekend.

You are the meanest Mom ever!
(this was after I wouldn’t let him watch a TV show because he had just finished watching a 90 minute movie. I think that’s enough TV time, right?)

This is the worst day ever. Of my whole entire life.
(This was after I  insisted he take a nap after he yawned his way through lunch. He proceeded to nap for 1.5 hours.)

You don’t love me. If you did, you would buy me a new Iron Man toy when you go to the grocery store!
(1. I never buy toys at the grocery store. and 2. When did it start becoming a rule that I had to bring him home a toy every time I left the house without him. Don’t think so, kiddo)

I have to say, the words hurt at first.  I panicked- holy cow, my kid thought I didn’t love him! But I do- I adore him, everything about him! Doesn’t he know that? What can I do to prove it?

But as the verbal onslaught continued I started to get really peeved. Seriously kid? This- this- is the worst day of your life? The day we visited friends, went to the library, had dinosaur shaped sandwiches and watched your favorite movie is your worst day ever all because I made you take a nap?!  I would have cried tears of gratitude if someone insisted I nap!

As for his insistence that I didn’t love him because I didn’t buy him a toy superhero? Let’s just say he’s damn lucky I didn’t share his birth story with him and flash him my stretch marks!  That would’ve shown him love.

*~*~*~

Thankfully Baby Lala is still too young to cause Red & TBO any grief like this.  The Peanut is 7 weeks old today- she would have been 35 weeks gestation had she stayed put. She’s up to a whopping 3 lbs 7 oz (almost 2 lbs over her birth weight)!  She’s off all breathing assistance- no CPAP, no nasal cannula, nada- and doing beautifully.

They are working on compressing her feeds.  Itty bitty preemies like her are fed 24/7 when they are first born, so the doctors are now trying to get her to a more normal newborn feeding schedule of only getting milk ever 2-3 hours.  She’s working really hard at taking 5 oz of breastmilk twice a day from a bottle instead of through her feeding tube. That still exhausts her- it’s hard working figuring out how to eat and breath at the same time!  Her brain bleeds are staying stable which is what the doctor’s expect- they won’t start going away for another week or so.

It’s amazing to get all this good news about Lala- hopefully she’ll be home within the next 5 weeks!

Jan20

My First Love

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Well, wasn’t that a lovely self-pitying post yesterday?  On to brighter things today…books.

I’ve been reading voraciously ever since I joined the library this past summer.  I read anywhere from 8 to 10 books a month.  My problem is that I find an author and then read everything I can by them.  While this usually gives me a lot to read, it also keeps me pretty limited in what I read. I know I’m missing out on some gems.

Everything I’ve read lately is good (Nora Roberts, Iris Johansen, Jodi Picoult, Jeffrey Deaver, & James Patterson off the top of my bed)- but nothing has sucked me and held me by the throat.  I want to read a book that I can’t put down.  A book that begs me to steal snatches of time to read it- while I should be cooking or sleeping or, yes, even playing with the kids.  The last series of books to do that was The Hunger Games- I read all three books in 5 days.

I’ll read just about any genre- historical, sci-fi, chick lit, dystopian, mystery. So please, hit me with your best recommendations!

Jan19

Not Fit For Duty

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Today is one of those days where I wonder who in the world thought I was fit to be a parent? Honestly- when are these kids real adult parents coming to get them because clearly I’m not them.

Scorch had one of those epic bad days at school that only a 4 year old can have. First he was told by a classmate that he was doing things wrong because he was coloring outside the lines (But Mom, I was giving the bunny fur, it had to be outside the lines! Suzy didn’t believe me!). A classmate borrowing a marker and not returning it by the end of the day (*sob*It’s my favorite color! *sob*). But the real kicker was being told by a classmate whom Scorch considers to be one of his BFFs that the classmate was, in fact, not his friend.  That just sent Scorch over the edge.

This is a classmate whom Scorch has had issues on and off with all year and their friendship runs very hot or cold- they are either inseparable or this classmate, according to Scorch, wants nothing to do with him.  Scorch for the life of him cannot understand this.  And I’m at a loss to explain it.

We tell him that sometimes people have bad days and say or do rude things. We tell him that people can pick who they want to be friends with, but this classmate should not ever be mean to Scorch and if he is to tell a teacher.  We tell Scorch to find other friends to play with- there are 24 other kids in the class for goodness sake.  The teachers tell us how well liked Scorch is and how the other kids love playing with him, but Scorch keeps coming back to this kid like a moth to a flame.

I feel like I don’t know how to teach my little boy to stand up for himself and to not to put up with meanness.  Or how to teach Scorch to let things roll right off his back and not take them personally.  All we can keep doing is encouraging other friendships and keep talking to him over and over about what’s right and wrong and how he should expect kindness from others.  Sometimes that feels like enough. Other days, when I have a sobbing 4 year old sitting on my lap, it feels completely inadequate.

Edited: Just wanted to add that I’m not blaming Scorch’s classmate for all this.  That kid is a 4 year old too and 4 year olds have the right to chose their friends just like anyone else.  As long the kid isn’t rude or seeking out Scorch to be mean, I’m fine with them being, or not being, friends.  It’s more just me feeling badly that Scorch doesn’t have the coping skills to handle the on and off-ness of things.

Jan18

The Sucker

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After a couple weeks of not being around as much as he’d like due to work, the Hubs has been home this past week for dinner and bedtime for the kids every night.  It’s been great- I’ve been cooking, we’ve been having family meals with all 4 of us and I have a someone with me when I’m putting the kids to bed.

Please note, I didn’t say I had “help” putting the kids to bed.  Help isn’t a word I’d use.  The Hubs isn’t helpful at this particular role at all.  Especially when it comes to the Bean- that little girl has the Hubs wrapped around her finger about 10 times over.

Our routine for both kids typically is a teeny-tiny cup of milk, 2 books, potty/teeth brushing, another short book, prayers, a song and bed. Easy as can be and when I’m flying solo each kid’s bedtime (usually spaced 30 mins apart) takes about 20 minutes total.  But now that the Hubs is home- and feeling guilty for not being around much last few weeks- the Bean’s bedtime is pushed back until Scorch’s and the whole thing takes well over 45 mins.  And it’s all the Bean’s fault.  She knows the power she holds over the Hubs- she knows darn well that her request for one more game/book/story/song is going to be agreed to without a second thought, especially when she adds in that extra sweet “Please, daddy? Please?”

As soon as I hear those words, I know the routine has once again been thrown out the window because the Hubs is a sucker for those cute pleas and more fun with the kids.

So I take a deep breath and put a smile on my face  even if I’m gritting my teeth because you know what? These times are precious and they won’t last long.  Pretty soon all the Hubs and I will get is a peck on our cheeks and a “‘Night!” from the kids as they put themselves to bed.  My schedule and routine may be blown to hell, but the kids are going to bed with a smile on their lips and giggles echoing down the hallway.  At the end of the day, you can’t ask for much more then that!

Jan17

How I Met Your Father

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13 years ago yesterday the Hubs and I went on our first date.

We actually met about 12 days prior to our first date- at Victoria’s Secret of all places.  I worked there for 2 year during college- it was a fun gig! I always enjoyed working retail and trust me, we had some interesting customers at Vicky See’s. One day I greeted a customer, the Hubs, waking into the store as I was walking out for my break.  I noticed immediately what a cutie he was- but let’s face it, while Vicky See’s is a great place to work, it’s not a great place to pick up guys. If he’s in there shopping for anyone else other then his significant other, he’s most likely a little too odd for me and if he is shopping for his significant other, then he’s off limits.

I get back from my break and ask one of my co-workers if she saw the cutie who came in as I was leaving.  Turns out the cutie was a friend of hers from college and he dropped by to say hi and I caught his eye.  Well, well, well…

The Hubs came back in the next day to ask me out one night that weekend.  But I had plans every night- I was getting my wisdom teeth out on Monday and it was my last weekend of freedom before college started up again. I did tell him that my friends and I would be at a local bar/dance club on Saturday night if he wanted to join us and didn’t really give him a second thought.

Saturday night arrived and I went out to the bar with my friends. To my surprise, the Hubs showed up as well! We talked for a few, but frankly I was too interested in having fun with my friends to pay him much attention. He was a virtual stranger and it’s really hard to make small talk when the music is so loud.  About an hour into our night, a bar fight broke out (high class place, I know) so my friends and I opted to leave.  I made sure to say goodbye to the The Hubs before I left- telling him to have a good night!

Too bad he thought I told him to have a nice life.

The next day I got a call from our mutual friend asking why I was so stinking rude to the Hubs the night before. She was livid and I was confused.  Once she told me what he thought I said, we cleared things up and I asked her to please give the Hubs my number so I could apologize.  We talked later that night and found out we actually had a lot in common- my interest was definitely starting to peak.

But the next day, Monday, I got my wisdom teeth removed surgically.  I’ll spare you all the details, but suffice to say I couldn’t really talk until Wednesday even though the Hubs called every day to check on me.  When we finally did talk he asked me out for that Saturday and I agreed- warning him I still looked like a chipmunk and had bruises up my cheeks from surgery.  He said he didn’t care so we agreed to meet at a minor league hockey game.

On the way to the game I found out that the couple we were supposed to be double dating with canceled on us, so it was just the two of us.  I called my best friend and made her promise to call me half way through the game so I could bail if things weren’t going well (forgive me, I was 19!).  However, the date went wonderfully and I forgot to keep my cell phone handy so my very inventive friend called the Arena to have me paged.  Smooth, right?

After the game was over, we decided to grab a late dinner so we went to Applebees.  There we ran into the Hubs cousin, SuperCop, who – surprise!- was also a guy I dated for a while four years prior. That was both awkward and awesome because no one can break the ice better then SuperCop. We ended up having a great time out despite the fact that I completely forgot that salt + open wounds in your mouth = me crying terribly halfway through dinner.

Writing this all out now- my lukewarm reaction to him, “Have a nice life!”, my bruised & swollen face, his cousin who is my ex and my crying spell because I’m a dumbass, it’s astounding that the Hubs asked me out again.  But he did and I said yes and 13 year later we took the kiddos back to see the same AHL hockey team we saw on our first date.  I love it when life comes full circle!

Jan14

Mary Poppins, Practically Perfect in Every Way.

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Did you know my kids have a second mom?

Well, they do.

We’ll call her Mary (after Mary Poppins, of course) because my kid’s second mom is their nanny.  I work out of my home full time for a Big Company- which is awesome. But it’s a busy job with  lots of phone calls, so I needed childcare.  It seemed silly to send my kids to a day care since I was home, so hiring a nanny seemed like the perfect idea. Mary has been with our family as a live-out nanny since Scorch was 15 weeks old- so a tad over 4 years now.  It took us forever to narrow down who to interview for the job, but as soon as we met Mary we knew she was The One.

I was so stinking nervous when she started to work for us.  A complete stranger was going to be coming into my house for 42.5 hours a week- wouldn’t that freak you about a little bit?  She was going to see my mess house. Overhear conversations between the Hubs and I.  Drive my baby around.  Tend to him when he cried and play with him when he was happy.  There was the BIG worry that kept me up at night.

What if he loved her more then he loved me?

Then- BANG- my maternity leave was over and Mary showed up at my house to start work. We bumbled over each other for the first few months- each of us trying not to step on toes, trying to figure out Scorch’s ever evolving needs, learning how to talk to each other about the baby, her likes/dislikes, discipline methods, tummy time, schedules and salary.

Once we found our groove, it was awesome (and has been ever since).  We learned to love Mary just as much as Scorch did.  And love her he did- he lit up when she showed up in the morning.  And yes, sometimes he did call her Mommy. And sometimes he called me Mary.  But it was fine- I understood. I never once doubted that he knew I was his mom and I was so extraordinarily thankful that Scorch had such a great day care provider.  Then we had the Bean and she was lucky enough to have Mary watching her too!

My kids are so lucky because Mary can totally kick my butt in more then a few ways.  Yesterday, Scorch said he wanted to build a ramp for his Hot Wheels.  He wanted the ramp to dip down, then go up, then do a loop.  I stood there staring at him, shrugging my shoulders saying, “I dunno how to do that.”  Mary looked pensive for a sec, then said, “I got it”. Next thing I know she’s got scissors, duct tape, two cardboard boxes from the recycling and string out building him the ramp he wanted.  The woman is freaking McGuyver!

Then this morning she says to me, “You know, the pile of coloring books and markers is making me nuts, I think I’m going to weed out the toy shelf and make room there for them.”  I hooted with laughter and told her to have at it.  And she did.  You don’t even want me to tell how she organized my linen closet a few months ago because she was bored.  Or how she takes a million awesome pictures of my kids- she even started her own photography business. (Local folks- let me know if you want the URL.)  Or how she organizes the kids drawers.  Or how she comes up with amazing arts and crafts on snowy days.

In the fall, Mary won’t work for our family any more.  Both kids will be in school full time and while The Hubs and I hope to have another baby, it certainly won’t be by then.  I get teary eyed every time I think too hard about our family without her daily presence in it.  I keep asking her to marry me so we don’t have to lose her, but given the fact that we’re both straight and it’s illegal in NY anyhow- she turns me down.

Jan13

Hope Springs Enternal

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Mornings in our house have been a little rough lately. We’re two weeks out and my kids are still on their Christmas vacation schedule I guess.

This morning, The Hubs was up and out at 6 am so I was flying solo getting the kids ready to take Scorch to school.  He woke up at 6:10, so I let him watch a TV show to ease into things (and to give me a chance to get showered).  When the TV show was over, Scorch came to get me and the first words out of his mouth was “Can I watch a video?”  He loves to watch dinosaur documentaries on my computer whenever he can.

My answer was the same as it always is.  If he can eat, get dressed, brush his teeth & hair and get his boots on quickly enough then he can watch a video.  If he can’t, too bad so sad.  Scorch immediately bursts into tears.

“That’s not fair, you always let me watch one!” Ummm…no, I don’t, but thanks for trying.

He finally gets done eating and it’s time to get dressed.  “But I don’t want to get dressed right now!”  I tell him fine, but if he doesn’t want to get dressed he won’t have time to watch a video.  He chooses to play for 5 minutes instead of getting dressed.

Finally, we get him dressed, teeth brushed & hair combed.  Beaners is more or less presentable, so we put on our jackets and gather up our stuff. We have to leave a little bit early today because the roads are iffy so I’m trying to hustle them along.

“Wait- I didn’t get to watch a video yet!” Sorry dude- you didn’t get ready in time. You choose to play instead of getting dressed when you were supposed to and you ran out of time.

You would have thought I shot his dog.  The sobs. The tears. The runny nose.  Then…the threats.  “If you don’t let me watch a video right now, I’m never going to stop crying!” Buddy, I don’t negotiate with terrorists. Keep crying all you want as long we are out the door in 2 minutes.

At this point, Scorch yells at me “Put on a video right this second!!” You could see the look in his eye the minute he said it- he knew he had gone too far.  Thankfully all I had to do was give him the stink eye and he got his sobbing, snotty faced body outside to the car.  I told him I was sorry he couldn’t watch a video and that maybe tomorrow he could make better decisions. Then we had a quick talk about how his behavior- the crying, the threats, the yelling- was completely unacceptable.  Because his behavior was so unacceptable, there would be no videos on the computer the whole rest of the day.  He’s not at all happy but after a minute or two, he pulls himself together.

Wonderful- finally, blessed silence.

Then Scorch pipes up from the backseat of the car, “Since you didn’t let us watch a video, can we watch a movie in the car?”

Head thunk.

 

 

 

 

Jan12

Potty Mouth

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“Crap.”

Not a word I was expecting to hear out of Scorch’s mouth on the way to school today.  Not a word I expect to hear out of his mouth any day.

I asked him what he said and he repeated the word.  I told him that wasn’t a word we say and where did he hear it.

“School.”

I’m not surprised- Scorch goes to a great school but you can’t put him in a classroom with 25 other kids and expect them all to be angels.  So we talked about what the word means and how that word is unacceptable in our house.  He got it, so we moved right along.

******
As Scorch gets older, I’m starting to see more and more of the peer influence on him.  Wanting the Spiderman lunch box even though he has no idea who Spiderman is. Begging to watch Ironman at night- again, even though he doesn’t know who Ironman is or what he does.  Asking me if his hair looks cool in the morning on the way to school.  Wanting to see the movie the rest of the kids in his class are talking about.

At times, this peer pressure is terrifying to me. Other times, it’s hysterical. I mean, there is nothing funnier then when your 4.5 year old asks you in all seriousness if his hair looks cool as he’s preening in front of the mirror. First, it’s the same hair cut he’s had since he was 9 months old. Second, it’s hard to look cool in sneakers that light up ever time you take a step.

*******
The Hubs and I were talking earlier today about Scorch’s new vocabulary word. We’re both in agreement that “crap” is not appropriate for a 4 year old to say.  Too bad we weren’t smart enough not to discuss this in front of Beaner because guess who has a new favorite word?