Category Archives: Bean

Jul25

17.

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Dear Bean-

At the time of my writing this, you’re 17. Why does that age seem so much older than 16? We’re going to have your senior pictures taken in a few days. We’re looking at colleges soon. 

And I’m still 100% in denial about it all.

When Scorch was going through all this, I took solace in the fact that you were still home with us. That relentless ticking clock took a year off – but now, it’s moving forward again and I’m not a fan. You’re my baby – how can you be a year away from graduating? It’s impossible.

This past year, with just the three of us at home while Scorch was at college, was weird. And quiet. And clean- so clean. Your bathroom was pristine and you loved it that way. It was also amazing- it is such a joy to have these two years of just you in the house. I adore our chats on the couch, car rides and one-on-one time together and I’m so, so glad we have it.

Your junior year was a good one! Aside from chem, you didn’t hate school, you kept busy with volleyball and unified sports. You’re never going to be the biggest fan of high school and that’s Ok. You don’t have to be. You’ve kept your friend group tight, while also branching out with other people in a group. 

The Bean at the barn.

You attended all the dances, faked enthusiasm at football games, and got your first job! You discovered very quickly that you much prefer a life of leisure to working, but you keep showing up and putting the time in! That said, I have no doubt you’ll start searching for a sugar daddy as soon as you can. 😉 

Senior year starts in 6 weeks or so, and we’re starting to talk about colleges and what path you’re going to take to get there. The career you have in mind right now has a gazillion different paths so I have no idea how this is going to look for you, but that’s part of the fun! 

This year, I hope:

  • You have fun. Whatever that looks like for you. Football games, or quiet nights with the girls – there is no wrong way to experience this year as long as you enjoy as much of it as possible!
  • You experience new things. You’re going to be interning at a hospital all year- try your hand at everything. See what you like and what you don’t like – it’s all invaluable. 
  • You stay close with your girls. A lot is going to change in the next year, but these friendships don’t have to. 
  • You meet new friends. It’s a big, wonderful world out there- don’t be afraid to let others in. 
  • You relax. Truly. You don’t have to have everything figured out right this minute. Your life is going to unfold like it should and it may not look anything like you expect- and that’s OK. Take it from someone who has spent this whole year letting go of things I can’t control – do your best to steer the ship, but don’t be afraid to go along for the ride.
  • You know how deeply you’re loved. No matter what, we love you. We support you. And we’ll always be your safe place to land.

So, my darling girl, that’s it! Keep being true to yourself – I cannot wait to see where this wickedly crazy, awesome life takes you.

All my love, 
Mom

Aug22

16.

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16.

Dear Bean-

Happy belated 16th birthday, gorgeous girl! I owe you a big apology for this one being so late. These past few months have been a whirlwind with your brother’s graduation, vacation, then getting him off to school. I know darn well you’ll take this as a sign that he is my favorite- while he’ll argue just as strongly that you are. So clearly I’m doing something right if I’m able to tick you both off at the same time. 😉 

The truth is, you’re my favorite daughter. You always have been, you always will be. 

So. 16. BIG birthday, kiddo. You’ve taken to driving super well and I haven’t even yelled at your once that you’re going to kill us! That’s a win for both of us. 

15 was a year for you! You played volleyball, hated geometry, loved social studies and stressed over your gazillion Regents exams. You got glammed up for some dances, learned about the wild, weird world of travel volleyball and went on your first girl’s trip with me. 

You are hysterically funny, deviously smart, and not above using all your strengths to get what you want. People think you’re quiet which always makes me giggle. I mean, you are around people you don’t know well or big groups, but among those you feel comfortable with? All bets are off. 

You love animals, spending time with your favorite people, chocolate, and, for some reason, Love Island and whatever scary/horror movie you can find. You can’t stand fake people, people who pretend to be dumb, or too much attention. In short, you’re pretty damn perfect as far as I’m concerned. I LOVE that this year you’ve started to not find me quite so cringy so we can go on adventures together, because you are one of my favorite people.

Varsity volleyball starts next week, and school the week after. If I can give you any advice for your junior year, it would be this:

– Relax. It’s going to be fine, I promise. You’ll do great in your classes if you study- and you always study. And no matter how hard it is, it’s not going to be geometry- level hard. You don’t need to know what you want to do when you grow up yet (or at 46 years old either). You don’t need to know where you’re going to college- life will work out. It always does.

– Enjoy. Take the time to have fun where you are right night. I know it’s hard sometimes, but dance on the sidelines, make friends in your classes, find a new hobby you love. Life can be hard- but don’t let it be harder than it needs to be. Find the joy and take it.

– Be kind. Give grace. Know that a lot of people have shit happening behind the scenes that you have no idea about. Don’t put up with people’s crap, but figure out what’s worth pushing back on and what’s worth getting out of the way of. 

You’re going to do great things, child-of-mine! Watching you grow is a joy and a privilage and we are so beyond lucky that you’re ours! We’ll try not to make the fact that you’re our only kid at home too painful for you, I promise. 

I love you,

Mom

Jul27

15.

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My dearest Bean-

You turned 15 this month. You remarked earlier this week that I hadn’t written your post yet and, obviously, you’re completely right. I worry that you think I don’t write your posts in a timely manner because I don’t care as much or you’re not a priority. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is every birthday with you is my last first- this is the last time any child of mine will turn 15. With your brother, milestones are somewhat easier to deal with because I can relive them with you two years later. But with you, my darling child- you’re it.

The Bean as a newborn, wearing a pale pink knit hat and sucking on a pink flowered paci.

And that’s how it should be. After all, you’re the final piece that tied our family together from the minute you were born. And now you’re 15 and I’m spending a lot of time wondering where the time went. Did we give you a good childhood? Do you know how loved you are? Did we have enough fun? Make enough memories? Scar you for life? You’re the only one with those answers but I’m hoping we did okay.

14 was a great year for you! You did so well your freshman year of high school- you took a ton of challenging courses, had to navigate new social situations, went to some fancy dances, and kept your BFFs by your side through it all. You complained, you grumbled, you begged to be homeschooled a few times – but through it all, I think you had a good year! People aren’t your thing so school is challenging- your batteries are *drained* when you get home, my little introvert- but you still came home with more good stories than complaints, so I’m calling it a win.

You continue to be the most unapologetically “you” person that I know. Your sense of self is a marvel and while it can be super annoying that you don’t budge or bend easily- I admire you so much. You are who you are, you like who you are, and to heck with anyone who doesn’t like it. I hope you always stay true to yourself because you’re amazing. You’re funny, smart, and witty with *the* best timed sarcastic comments. I liken your brother to a golden retriever – but you, my child, are a cat. Slinky, a little shy, always on alert and only welcoming to affection on your terms.

So- now you’re 15. You’re going into 10th grade- and you need to stop panicking about what you’re doing with the rest of your life. Because, girl, I’m 45 and still figuring that out. However your life plays out, it’s going to be awesome- you wouldn’t settle for anything less. Here’s what I wish for you this next year:

– Hang on to your best friends with both hands. L & A are the absolute best and I cannot wait for the 3 of you to visit me in my nursing home when I’m 90 and you’re 60 and watch you three still cackling together like loons.

– Make room for new people too. Open yourself up just a hair to the people around you- I promise you they all aren’t annoying. 😉

– Keep your options open. Yes, I know marrying a rich old guy sounds like a sound long-term plan, but keep exploring what interests you so you can stand firmly on both feet just fine by yourself.

– Keep only the relationships that nurture you and bring you joy – whether that’s with family, friends or a significant other.

– Never underplay your intelligence because you’re scary smart. And if you don’t know something, ask. There is no shame in getting help *or* in flaunting your brains, because you have a lot of them!

– Don’t stress. Yes, hello- pot meet kettle, right? But really- relax. Things have a way of working out- just keep moving forward, take advantage of all the opportunities you have and things will play out like they’re supposed to.

– Be kind. In this world of ours, there are alllll sorts of people. Live and let live, kiddo- be kind to others and expect kindness back.

I cannot wait to see how this year unfolds for you! Enjoy every minute you can and stay true to yourself. Parenting you is one of my biggest privileges – you are so loved, never forget that.

All my love,

Mom

Aug22

14.

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Dearest Bean-

Happy 14th birthday! Yes, yes, you did turn 14 a while ago and yes, it has taken me *this* long to post this. I promise you that’s not a reflection of my love for you – just a reflection of the chaos that is summer round these parts.

Because you, my darling girl, are loved beyond measure. You were our missing piece- the part that made our family complete and now, now you’re 14.

13 was a good, scary year for you. You went back to school in person full time in 8th grade- the first time that’s happened since 6th grade. You were much more cool about it than I thought you’d be, to be honest. I think I was more nervous than you were. It took you a little while to find your footing. Middle school is strange under normal circumstances, and this existing-in-Covid world is anything but normal.

But you quickly found a group that included your BFFs and a few more people. You grew more confident and you got into a groove. You may never love school, but you didn’t dread it and you had friends everywhere you went. You played a couple of sports, you passed all your classes with flying colors, you went to your first semi-formal dance and you made us all stupidly proud of you.

The Bean, aged 1 year old, wearig a grey zip up hoodie, staring up with big brown eyes and a small smile on her face.

And now you’re 14 and you’re going to be a freshman in high school. And my mind is blown because I’m pretty sure you were just a terror of a toddler yesterday. But nope, you’re now a solid 2 inches taller than I am, poised and collected and just as funny now as you were back then.

Here are my wishes for you this year:

– I hope you learn to take up space and use your voice. At home, you’re loud and funny and confident – I hope this is the year you let the rest of the world in. Because, girl, you’re amazing and that much amazingness should be shared with all.

– I hope you keep loving your BFFs. You are friends with some funny, intelligent, amazing ladies- keep ’em close and nurture those friendships.

– I hope you expand your group. Honestly, you can never have too many friends. So keep giving others a chance to surprise you. The quiet ones. The loud ones. The odd ones. Be open to all the great people out there.

– I hope you keep your astounding sense of self. I have never met a kid more sure of who she is as a person. Don’t let anyone erode that or steal that from you. That sense of confidence is a game changer.

– I hope you know how amazing you are. Loving yourself – your whole self – in a society that always tells you that you should be different or more is hard. It’s difficult not to compare and find yourself wanting. But, Bean, don’t. Just don’t – who you are is a wondrous, funny, smart, wicked person. You, exactly as you are this very minute, are perfect.

So, child of mine. Know that you are loved. Know that you are appreciated. Know that you are perfect – and have the best year ever. I’m so happy that you’re mine.

I love you,

Mom

Jan27

When Covid Hits Your Home

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Well, 300+ days after the lockdown in NY started, the Heat family got Covid in early January.

The Hub had been battling bronchitis since early December, so when he started coughing again (not a dry cough- a very bronchitis-like cough) on a Sunday night, we didn’t think anything of it because the 5 day pack of antibiotics he was on is never enough and we thought he needed more meds. The next day, Monday, he was tested as part of his pre-surgery workup for an outpatient procedure he was having later in the week. He also met with his PCP that same day to evaluate his cough and everyone agreed his bronchitis was back.

So when his Covid test came back positive the next day, we were all shocked. But then he got sicker. Bronchitis or Covid, I don’t know- but he spiked a temp up to 102 and sequestered himself in our basement.

Wednesday evening, Scorch started coughing just enough for my radar to ping. I started having some congestion at roughly the same time. So Thursday we both went to get tested and BOOM positive for both of us.  *sigh* Somehow, the Bean stayed healthy throughout this whole thing. It would have almost been easier if she got it in terms of the logistics in our house, but she stayed safe.

We were super lucky that overall, we all had a mild case. The Hubs had it the worst of all, but for Scorch and I we never felt like we had anything worse than a cold. We all did lose our senses of taste and smell which is just as odd and disorienting as you’d think it would be. Thankfully within 10 days of losing those senses, we started to regain them. They are still muted for all of us 20+ days since we were first diagnosed, but it’s getting better.

There is a TON of information online about how to manage Covid, but I figured I’d share our experience with 1 sick person, 2 people with mild cold-like symptoms and 1 healthy person in the hopes it helps you plan.

1) Stay away from each other. Even though 3 of us were sick, we still tried to avoid each other because the Hubs was being released from isolation before us and we didn’t want to mess with things and get him sicker. Obviously we all avoided the Bean unless we were masked up. The kids camped out in their rooms, I camped out in my room and the Hubs took over the family room. We all wore masks when we were outside our zones.

2) Have a plan in place to stock up on what you need. I don’t know about y’all, but I did NOT have 2 full weeks worth of food and pet supplies at home. Thanks to Instacart and our friends, I was able to get what I need. Please, please have a plan in place because once you get that call, you’re not going *anywhere*.

3) Make sure you have the meds and medical supplies you need too- thermometers, pulse oximeter, etc. We were told to up our Zinc, Vitamin D and Vitamin C intake. I can’t say for sure that it helped, but it didn’t hurt!

4) Paper towels and laundry detergent were key too. Essentially we were told that we should not be using our normal hand towels to prevent the spread – we should use paper towels and throw them all away immediately after. We also were told to wash our bath towels daily. That’s A LOT of laundry, y’all.

5) We were told to put our toothbrushes in bags and to keep them away from each other. We obviously threw them out as soon as we were deemed non-contagious.

6) I can’t speak for other states, but here in NY there were a lot of phone calls to field. The day we tested positive, I spent a little over 3 hours total talking to the state and county so they could try to do contact tracing, talk protocols with me, review symptoms, etc. After that first day, there are daily calls to check in. I was super impressed with the resources available and the kindness of each person from the county calling. I would imagine if you’re fighting this by yourself with no close family and friends around these people are literal life savers.

I’m happy to answer any question any one has in the hopes of helping others! I’m hoping this is our one and only brush with Covid and that we avoid any long-term issues.

Jul10

12.

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My baby turned 12 and, like with every birthday my kids hit, I have to take a minute to wrap my head around it.
The Bean as a newborn, wearing a pale pink knit hat and sucking on a pink flowered paci.
Finding out I was pregnant with the Bean was a huge surprise. My struggles with infertility are not a secret to anyone who’s been reading my blog for any length of time – so despite my ob/gyn talking to me about birth control, the thought that I could get pregnant without assistance while nursing was so laughable I never gave it a second thought. But I vividly remember laying on the couch, feeling off and taking my pulse. I had acupuncture regularly before and during my pregnancy with Scorch and my practitioner told me how much more robust my pulse would feel while pregnant because of the increased blood flow. That night while taking my pulse, things just felt more…and I knew a test was in order.
I went to the gym that next morning and ducked out early to pick up a pregnancy test on my way home. I got home and the Hubs and Scorch were still sleeping, so I took the test before showering, never imagining it would be positive. But there it was – two distinct lines on the stick. Not going to lie- I pretty much hyperventilated, freaking out over what we were going to do. I woke the Hubs up by thrusting the test in his face, firmly inviting him to join me on the freakout train. Much to my surprise, he didn’t – he just looked at me, smiled and told me it was going to be awesome.

 

Fast forward 9 month later, and after being in labor most of the day and not knowing it, my water broke that night. Assuming the birth would progress like Scorch’s, we took our time leaving (read: the Hubs did his last minute freakout cleaning) and stopped for snacks on our way out of town to the hospital 45 minutes away that I was to give birth at. Everything went well until we got on the highway and then labor *hit* with  painful contractions super close together. I should have told him to take me to the local hospital, but we kept going. Long story made very short, the Bean came roaring into the world an hour after we arrived, screaming her lungs off.

 

As the Hubs is one of 3 boys, we only had nephews and Scorch was obviously a boy, we were all shocked to have a little girl.

 

A little girl with a set of lungs so big and so loud that the doctor took her to the NICU to make sure she wasn’t injured or ill. After a short period of time, the doctor brought her back to us, declared her perfectly healthy and told me that our baby girl was just really pissed off at being born. He wished us lucked and walked away, shrugging.

 

And that was our introduction to our Bean – making herself known to all from the minute she was born.

 

The Bean, aged 1 year old, wearig a grey zip up hoodie, staring up with big brown eyes and a small smile on a
Fast forward 12 years now and we have this long legged, tanned, gorgeous girl in our house. She’s quieter now- the Bean does not scream (much) anymore, but she makes herself known very clearly. She comes off as reserved – sometimes even as meek – but that’s hardly the case. This child can dig her heels in deeper than any other kid I know and knows what she wants, when she wants it. That doesn’t mean she always gets it- but it’s not for lack of trying.

 

The Bean is on the cusp of starting 7th grade at our local public school. After attending Catholic school since age 3, this will be an adjustment under ideal circumstances. Throw Corona in there, and who the heck knows what her introduction to public school will be like. All I know is that I have complete confidence that she’ll rock it!

 

The Bean is fiercely funny – she’s got this quick wit about her that takes me by surprise and makes me laugh every day. She’s smart as hell and is willing to put in the work to do well – something I deeply admire about her. Beaner keeps her crew small – it takes a long time to break her down and get in her inner circle. But once you’re in, you will be loved beyond measure. She keeps us on our toes daily because, well, she’s a tween and her moods and likes change daily if not hourly.

 

The Bean standing at the edge of the ocean, wearing a grey jumpsuit, at dusk. The waves are ca

 

Bean and Scorch’s relationship is a marvel to watch. He can get under her skin with a look, a touch or a single word. All will be quiet until he looks at her just right and she loses her mind and launches herself on him.  It’s completely maddening – she doesn’t seem to know yet that if she just ignores him, he’ll go away. But within seconds of them being locked in a death match, they will be laughing like loons together. Each of my children are a blessing- but witnessing their relationship grow and evolve is the biggest blessing of them all.

 

So, Beaners,  I have no idea what your 12th year will bring, but here’s what I hope for you:

 

1. I hope you continue to sink into your own skin. Middle school is the time to start to figure you out – what you like, what you don’t like, what you want in your friends and your romantic relationships (although, you can’t date until 9th grade – I know, I know, Word’s Worst Mom).  I want you to know that, with a few exceptions like illegal drugs or self-harm, we’ll support you in whatever direction you go. Dad and I are here to help you become the best version of you – and sometimes that may mean pushing you – but we’ll always listen too.

 

2. I hope you keep your friends close and let others in. After being the same class with the same 12 kids forever- your world is going to explode in 7th grade. Keep Lilly close (we love her!), but not at the expense of others – put yourself out there and befriend who ever catches your eye. Labels are only good for laundry – throw your expectations out the door and realize that getting to meet and know so many different people is a gift.

 

3. I hope you are kind and that people are kind to you. Tween girls aren’t known for their empathy and compassion, so I hope you buck that stereotype and extend kindness to others and yourself. Punch up, not down and remember that your ability to lead puts you in a position of power – use it wisely, be nice and reach out to others who may be struggling.

 

4. I hope you stretch yourself. You, Bean, like to live in the comfort zone. That’s well and good, but nothing exciting or unexpected happens there. So try a new class, try out for a team, befriend a new person, pick up a new hobby- do something that feels uncomfortable and scary. You just may love it.

 

5. I hope you know we’ll always love you. Girl, let’s face it- our relationship isn’t always easy. You and I are both stubborn and can plant our feet hard – that sometimes leads to tears and yelling. But no matter what, know that you’re loved wildly and without exception. We are here to support you, hold you up and be your soft spot to land when things get tough. Life isn’t easy all the time, but our love and support is constant.

 

Kiddo, I hope you *adore* being 12. I hope you grow and stretch and learn so much your head hurts. I hope you open your heart to new possibilities and keep your old friends safe. I hope you laugh so hard you cry, I hope you work so hard your muscles hurt and I hope you love so hard your heart cracks.

 

Parenting you in a joy and a blessing and watching you grow until the amazing person you’ll be is a privilege I never take for granted.

 

Mar9

Not Me

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The Bean found my blog.

I mean, I knew the day would come- my kids are the reason I started this blog, after all. My kiddos don’t have baby books and most of their childhood pictures are stored in Shutterfly, not in physical albums. I didn’t keep many of their childhood mementos outside of a few blankets, some books and a few stuffed animals. But I have been chronicling their childhood for almost 10 years now- since the kids were 4 and 2.

Since she’s been going back and reading my old entries, I got nostalgic and started to do the same.  One of the things I used to on Monday’s was “Not Me Monday” back when widely used blog themes were a thing.  “Not Me Monday” was a way to confess your sins and since the old entries made me laugh, I figured I’d share a few of my gems lately:

  • While in Mexico, the Bean got M&Ms and immediately told Scorch he couldn’t have any. He didn’t want any – but he *always* wants to torment her, so for 30 minutes straight, he followed her around making comments like “Yummm…those M&Ms look amazing!” or “You know what I’m craving, M&Ms!” or “Mom, the minute Bean puts those M&Ms down, Imma going to snagging them.”  I was not too busy laughing hysterically at him to make him knock it off when the Bean pleaded with me to do so.
  • Later that same day, I was blessedly at the pool sans any kids, reading my Kindle. 4 chairs down from me was a mom, trying in vain to read her magazine while her son and daughter squabbled in the pool over things just as dumb as M&Ms. The mom finally LOSES it and goes “This is supposed to be FUN. We are flipping on vacation in MEXICO and you’re making me crazy.”
    I did not want to high-five her in solidarity or at least find some of the Bean’s M&Ms to share with her.
  • Earlier this week, Scorch was in class and accidentally drew on his face with his pencil. When one of his friends told him they could see the mark, my son absolutely did not proceed to draw a penis on his forehead and then have to walk around alllll day with his bangs pulled down to hide it when he couldn’t erase it. (“Mom- it was the only thing I could think of to draw!” #teens)
  • I did not laugh stupidly hard at a “69” reference in an Instagram video because Scorch and his buddies are obsessed with certain numbers (69, 420, etc) which evidently has dropped my sense of humor down to a middle-school level.* I also certainly did not save the video to show him when he got home from school.
  • Within seconds of picking the Bean up from school, it was clear she was in a mood. After 2 minutes of grumpiness and a snotty tone, I told her she wasn’t allowed to speak to me again until she could do so with a civil tongue. We did not not speak for over an hour. #tweens

Hot Mess Express graphic with a purple background and pink words

So, spill – what haven’t YOU done lately?!

 

*Please note: I DID (and do, frequently) absolutely talk to my kid about these numbers, what they mean, how they are not appropriate in a lot of places/context, etc – but he’s 13 and he’s in middle school and kids laugh about dumb stuff no matter how mature and enlightened you try to make them. I can either freak out over it every time or embrace my inner 13 year when something is legitimately funny. This video was NOT sexual in any way shape or form, it was just simply a bunch of idiot teens freaking out when that number was called out in public – and it was really, really funny.

 

Nov7

SHOTGUN!

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So, it’s been a minute! After I shared my fantastic parenting skills, we got sucked back into the routine of school and sports and general insanity. The re-entry back into the school year was a pretty tame one- neither kid made any major transitions so that made back to school pretty damn easy.  Scorch is in 8th grade and the Bean is in 6th and I’m officially old AF.  The biggest drama going back to school was if Scorch should wear black socks or white socks with his navy blue kicks – the boy takes his sock game very seriously.

Scorch, wearing navy blue sneakers, and Bean, wearing white sneakers, on the first day of 8th and 6th grade.

In early October, Scorch broke his wrist playing in a football game about 2 hours from home. Thankfully the Hubs and/or I always go to every away game (my kids getting seriously hurt when we’re not there is one of my biggest nightmares) and were both there that day. We had to drive by the Big City on our way home, so we stopped by the same orthopedic place that did the Hub’s ACL surgery in the Spring and had Scorched x-ray’d and casted within an hour. He’s been a super good sport, but with less than a week to go until the cast is taken off he’s D.O.N.E. with it.

An x-ray of Scorch's left wrist.

The biggest news is that the day I’ve been DREADING finally is upon us. When I took the kids in for their flu shots, the Bean’s height was recorded and she’s finally tall enough to ride in the front seat.

*sigh*

That’s right, I have two kids vying for shotgun for every.single.car ride. Once the kids put the pieces together, they both started coming up with an elaborate way to decide who got to be the shotgun winner. The rules included when you could call shotgun, how even calling shotgun doesn’t mean you actually get to ride in that spot if your sibling can wrestle you out of it and something about headlocks and Scorch using his cast as a club.

Needless to say, that didn’t fly with me, so I quickly instituted an odd/even system – on odd days, it’s Scorch’s turn, on even days, it’s the Beans. They were ticked- I was stripping away ALLLLLLLL the fun out of shotgun- but frankly, I didn’t care. The last thing I needed was those two beating the holy hell out of each other for the privilege of sitting next to me and controlling the radio.

This worked relatively well…except for during school drop offs. I drive both kids to school, dropping Scorch off first, and alllllll Scorch wants to look during drop off is cool. There is a single drop off line – it loops around the parking lot and you can drop your kids off anywhere along the sidewalk. But evidently there is a art to where the perfect drop off location is. Like, he gets concerned if I drop him off too far away (“they’re all waiting for us in line, mom”) or too close (“I don’t want to look like I’m lazy”), the music has to be off just case we’re listening to something that is cringy and the drop off has to be QUICK- there can be no fumbling when you get out.

Which was all doable when he was the always riding shotgun, but now that he’s in the backseat of our van every other day – quick isn’t a thing. First, I have to put the van in park to open the automatic sliding doors -and those doors are slow. Then there is the fumbling for his stuff because he can’t actually wait until the door is all the way  open before jumping out. Don’t even mention the fact his sister is choosing the tunes and Lizzo blasting out of the speakers of our minivan brings down his street cred by like a 1000 points.

Which is why earlier this week, my sweet dumb kid decided that the best course of action was to CLIMB into the front seat – WHILE his sister was sitting in – and going out that way.

Bean, with only her legs showing, is sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Scorch is perched on the leg rest of her chair, trying to climb over her.

Bean’s sitting in the chair, Scorch is trying to climb over her. I’m being the responsible adult and taking pics.

She was super psyched about that idea – he’s lucky she didn’t kick him in the butt and send him sprawling.

So, how’s your fall going?!
Aug12

The Bean Finds Her Voice

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The Bean has been playing lacrosse for over 3 years. The first few years, she loved it – the physicality of it, the speed, the great kids she played along side. Then last year, she started to make noises about not wanting to play anymore.

The thing about the Bean is she *never* wants to play anything. She is happiest in our house, Facetiming friends or playing on her phone – but, 9 times out 10, when she gets out of the house to do whatever activity she’s been dragged to, she’s happy to be there. So, when she started saying she didn’t want to play lacrosse, I pretty much ignored her and I signed her up for the season anyhow, figuring once she got in the swing of it, it wouldn’t be a big deal.

<Hi, my name is Heather. Evidently I’m new to this parenting thing.>

When lacrosse season started, Bean had to miss the first few weeks of practice due to conflicts. She kept telling us she didn’t want to play but we kept assuring her she’d love it and not to worry. I figured she’d fall into the same routine of complaining and then being fine once she was actually there.

RegistrationFee

Hahahahahahaha….in theory, yes. In reality? Not so much.

 

Finally the first practice she could attend arrives and I knew I was in for a battle, but I figured within 5 minutes or so she’s be resigned and we’d be on our way.

Or…..not.

Me: Hey, you have practice tonight. Eat your dinner and we’ll head out in a bit.

Bean: I’m not going.

Me: Yes, you are – we’ve talked about this. You love lacrosse! Eat up and we’ll go!

Bean: I don’t like lacrosse and I’m not going- I told you I’m not playing this year.

Me: Yes, you are- you’ve made a commitment.

<This is normally where she cries. Once that doesn’t work,  she folds, grumpily gets ready and away we go to have a good night.>

Bean: (completely calm) No, I did not. YOU made the commitment. I told you I didn’t want to play, you signed me up anyhow. So the commitment is on you.

<Huh. Welllllll, this isn’t going to plan. She has a point, but I’ll be damned if I tell her that.>

Me: Either way, you’re on the team. They are expecting you – go get changed, we have to leave in a few.

Bean: No.

Me: (clearing losing here and more than a little flummoxed) Well, if you don’t get changed, I’ll take you in your school uniform. I don’t care.

Bean: Neither do I.  You can take me in my dress clothes – when I get there, I’m just going to tell the coach I don’t want to be there and sit on the bench. You can make me go, but you can’t make me play.

~*~*~*~

I always knew the Bean had a bigger back bone than most people. She’s been stubborn from day one and I know this trait will help her move mountains when she’s older. But now? Now, when she’s 11, I really just want her to do what I tell her to do. It would make *my* life a thousand times easier.

But did I really want to teach her that she has no voice now? Did I want to stifle her autonomy and force her to do something she really didn’t want to do – something I knew she didn’t want to do, but I signed her up for anyhow, ignoring her wishes? Do I want her to be a person that gives into what other people tell her to do just to make the other person happy?

Hell no!

I grew up with the philosophy that once you committed to something, you saw it through and have tried to raise my kids with the same mindset. But, in this case, she didn’t commit to something- she was 100% correct that the Hubs and I made that decision for her.

Sometimes, as a parent, it’s easy to make a proclamation and decide that the most important thing is to force your kids to do what you say.  You dig in your heels and decide that that decision is a hill you’re willing to die on. And sometimes, as a parent, you’re 100% correct and your kids just have to deal.

And other times you wise up and realize that raising a kick-ass kid with a mind of her own and the strength of her convictions is a thousand times more important….no matter how much you miss watching her play.

 

 

Jul17

11.

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Dear Bean –

Happy birthday, kiddo – you’re 11! And, frankly, you weren’t happy about it. You told me, very seriously, that 10 was a great year and you’re a little worried that 11 won’t live up to your expectations.

Girl, I hear you.

Getting older is HARD and I know you’re starting to realize that things are changing. You only have one more year left in your beloved school and the kids you’ve known since you were 3 will scatter. We’re still in the process of figuring out this home addition. And this summer is an odd one with lots of trips – one without your dad and I. While you do many, many things well, you do NOT do change.

Bean_CloseUp_091709

But here is where I tell you, it’ll all be fine. I swear it.

~*~*~*~

You weren’t wrong though- 10 was a stellar year for you! You slayed 5th grade with great study habits, a wonderful teacher and solid friendships. You continued to ride horses, you gave up lacrosse (in a moment that oddly made me stupidly proud of you), you made more Tik Tok videos than should be legal and girl – you found basketball.

You’ve never been much for team sports, and that’s Ok. You don’t thrive off of the sense of community that comes from playing on a team, you don’t really care about meeting new people, nor were you particularly sold on sports, but something clicked this year. So, with the urging of some friends, you decided to try out for a travel basketball team.

You made that team and you FOUND YOUR TRIBE! A group of girls that you instantly bonded with- I have never seen anything like that with you before. Even your teacher commented that being part of this team gave you more confidence across the board. So, high-five to that!

Bean shooting baskets in an empty arena.

~*~*~*~

And now, you’re 11.

Here is what I hope for you this year:

  • I hope you realize that you can always, always keep talking to us. I don’t care if it’s about inane Tik Tok videos or your deepest fears – I will always listen.
  • I hope know that I trust you to make good decisions.
  • I hope you know that when you don’t make good decisions (because you’re human), we’ll talk them through. Yes, you may be punished. Yes, you may have to live with consequences you don’t like. Yes, you may disappoint me, your dad and yourself. But you’ll grow from what you learn and do better the next time.
  • I hope you know that your emotions are going to be BIG this year – and for roughly the next 7-8 years. And you’re not going to know what to do with them sometimes and that’s OK.  You can laugh, you can cry, you can yell and you can talk them all out. All are totally good by me, but…
  • I hope you know that big emotions aren’t an excuse to be mean. Don’t be a jerk for the sake of being a jerk. Mean girls and the drama surrounding them won’t ever be tolerated in this house.
  • I hope you you realize the very real difference between being a jerk and standing up for yourself. Because, my girl, standing up for yourself is something every.freaking.person needs to know how to do – and sometimes, when you stand up for yourself, you run the risk of not being liked.
  • I hope you know it’s OK not to be liked. I hope don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your self-worth is dependent on what people think of you – because it is 100% not. Say that with me one more time: What other people think of me doesn’t determine my self worth. And keep saying it to yourself every damn day until you feel it in your bones.
  • I hope you know that regardless of the changes your body starts to go through, you’re beautiful. I hope when you look into the mirror you see the strength and humor and brains that I see and know you’re gorgeous in the very best ways.
  • I hope you always respect your body. You won’t always like your body – it’ll be doing some weird things soon enough – but I hope you realize what a gift your body is. Strong legs that run you where you want to go, arms that lift you up, a spine to help you hold your head high. You’re a freaking miracle and I hope that even when you hate your body, you still respect the hell out of it and treat it properly.
  • I hope you know that you’re always, always loved fiercely.

So, here’s to 11 being even better than 10! I can’t wait to see where your adventures take you.

The Bean at the barn.

I love you,
Mom