Peanut Butter (Or: How to Make Me Freeze)


This morning as I was driving the kiddos to camp, I heard Scorch repeating the words “peanut butter” to himself and cracking up like it was the funniest thing ever.  But he wasn’t saying it normally- he was stretching the words out.  Pea-nut but-terrrr. Over and over, laughing so hard he got the hiccups.  I couldn’t take it anymore, so I asked him what in the world was so stinking funny.

“Mom- sound it out. Pea-nut but-terrrr Like pee comes out of your nuts and your butt makes the turds come out. Pea-nut but-terrrr

I admit- this is the part of parenting I suck at.  Ask me about heaven. Or mental illness. Or presidential policy. But throw immature humor at me with a side of questionable language and I freeze.  My brain got stuck on three trains of thought at once.

  • Train 1: Bwhahahahahhaha. I never thought of that before- and that shit is funny! Bravo kid!
  • Train 2: Correct him- pee doesn’t come out of a boy’s nuts. He shouldn’t be using that word anyhow- but if he is going to use it, he’s going to use it properly, damn it.
  • Train 3: Gasp like a Victorian spinster who has never heard such language and foulness before and then lay into him. Yes, it’s funny but also really inappropriate for a 6 year old. Especially in front of his 4 year old.

In the end, I did a combo of all three. First I snorted, then I spoke him in no uncertain terms was he to use the word “nuts” or talk potty talk like that, then I corrected him on his word usage.  The funniest / saddest thing that come from the whole discussion is that Scorch is convinced I’m wrong and that nuts = pen!s because that is what the big kids at camp told him and they are right and I’m wrong.

And so it begins. I really thought I had more time up on my pedestal as the beacon of all that was correct and true in this world for my kids. Guess not.


About Heather

I adore my family, writing, books, cats, lazy mornings in bed, and chocolate. I'll never say no to breakfast for dinner, long talks with friends and lazy summer days at the pool with family. My life is often crazy, always awesome and one I'm so happy to be living! My side hustle is editing and proofing work. Find out more at

2 responses »

  1. So I have two boys and I’m thinking I’m going to be having a lot of this type of humor in my future. I think its hilarious and I’m probably going to end up joining in. Also – kudos Danny for figuring out that peanut butter play on words. Brilliant and now PB will never be the same.

  2. Oh boy. I am truly terrified about the advent of this “peer education” as P starts kindergarten this fall…

    I don’t think I’d have been able to not laugh. And frankly, I think “nuts” is about the least gross term to describe testicles 😉

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