Author Archives: Heather

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About Heather

I adore my family, writing, books, cats, lazy mornings in bed, and chocolate. I'll never say no to breakfast for dinner, long talks with friends and lazy summer days at the pool with family. My life is often crazy, always awesome and one I'm so happy to be living! My side hustle is editing and proofing work. Find out more at https://heathercaryn.com/
Nov4

Are You There God, It’s Me…

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You know how before you had your kids, you totally knew what kind of parent you were going to be? I knew, for example, that I was going to be that mom that was cool and laid back about all my kids questions. No matter what the subject, I was going to answer my kids honestly and openly and create a really good dialogue so my kids felt listened to and were well educated.

Yeah. Then I had kids and now I lie to them all the time because MY GOD- what did you just ask me?!

My kids have skirted around the issue of where babies come from. So far most of their questions about baby making have been so vague I can easily avoid giving them the (age appropriate) details.  However, they do know how babies are born– a process which Bean thinks is disgusting and awful. So I shouldn’t have been surprised the other day when she asked me how a lady could make sure she didn’t have a baby.

I admit- I froze. What in the holy hell do I tell her? She doesn’t know where babies come from, so obviously discussions about abstinence and birth control weren’t even remotely possible. So I did what I do best- I lied. I told her that if a lady doesn’t want to have a baby, she just has to tell God 3 times very seriously that she doesn’t want to be a mom and God will take care of the rest.

Her response? “Well, I’m going to tell God 100 times that I don’t want want to be a mom because I really don’t want to have a kid. Ever.”I’ve heard her whispering her prayer every single night, reminding God that she doesn’t want to be a mom.

My kids are so screwed having me as their primary source of information, aren’t they?!

~*~*~

In all seriousness- anyone know of any good birds and the bees books I can have on hand for when I have to actually share the truth with the kids?

Nov3

This, That & a Minor Miracle

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When I thought about being unemployed one of the things that freaked me out the most was thinking I’d have eons of free time to fill up. I could very easily go the way of the sloth and do nothing but read all day and I was worried that I’d do just that.  Turns out, I have nothing to worry about because so far I’m finding being unemployed has made my schedule a 1000x crazier then it was before.  Before, I had a set schedule that varied little from day to day.  I knew what I was doing at any given hour during the day and there was comfort in that routine. Now there is no routine and I’m flying by the seat of my pants, yet my days are booked between meetings about freelance work, PTA meetings, meetings with my CPA, meeting with a financial adviser about what to do with my 401K and random interviews.  And when I’m not doing that, I’m cleaning my house- only to have the kids wreck it in 0.007 seconds after they get home.

And frankly this lack of a routine is making me crazy.

This is the week I start my part time job, find out more about one of the freelance jobs I’m doing and find out if I got a full time job I interviewed for last week. So by the end of this week I’ll have some idea of what my new schedule will be even if it kills me, so help me God.

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Halloween this year was amazing. Good lord, as crazy as 5 and 7 can make me, they are the best ages in so many ways. This year my kids were beyond excited about Halloween- they both completely got into the spirit and were old enough not to be exhausted and miserable by the end of the night. We went to a friends house for dinner, then 6 couples with 13 kids total hit the road and did the trick or treating thing. The oldest kids were 7, the youngest was 13 months old and they all rocked it with a lot of laughs, good manners and down right giddiness over the good candy.  Scorch was Harry Potter and the Bean was the Red Power Ranger and part of me wanted to freeze them right then and there at this age so they’ll always be this happy and excited.

~*~*~*~

Scorch had his first sleepover at a friends house this past weekend. I admit, I was nervous that I was going to have to head out at 11 pm to pick him up. He was at one of my best friend’s homes with people who love him dearly and he knows well, but still, I didn’t think he’d last the night.  When I went to bed, I had both phones right by my pillow so I could grab them when the phone call inevitably came during the night.

But it never came- the sleepover was a complete success!

Such a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but a HUGE testament to how far Scorch has come. If you had told me 2 years ago when Scorch’s anxiety started that he’d spend the night somewhere other then our house or his grandparents, I would have called you crazy. We were lucky enough to get that child to sleep in his own house at that point in time- and when we did, sleep typically happened after hours of trying and usually didn’t last all night thanks to nightmares. Yet here he was, spending the night at a friends without any issues.  I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again- getting Scorch therapy was *the* best thing we’ve ever done for him and watching him live a completely normal, ordinary life as a result is a miracle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oct27

Life with the Bean

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Life with the Bean has been a bit more challenging than usual lately.  That child has always known her own mind and has never been shy about voicing her thoughts – even when those thoughts are better left in her head.  Fun thoughts like “I wish I had a different Mom” and “You’re the worst brother EVER!”. Obviously there are consequences and we repeat ad nauseam “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  But really, holding her tongue is something that’s only going to come with age and maturity.

As madding as it can be, sometime that child comes out with a gem.

Earlier today the Hubs realized that the railing on our stairs was loose because our little monkeys like to hang from it. So he came upstairs where we were reading and says to the kids, “If this railing falls out of the wall because you two keep hanging from it, I’m going make you sleep outside with the animals!”

Beaner looks up from her book, calmly says “That’s a consequence I can live with. I love animals.” and kept on reading.

The Hubs had to go outside to stop from laughing in her face.

She may drive me to drink, but I adore that kid.

Oct25

Over & Done With

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Today was the day- my 13 year career at the Big Company has come to an end.

And you know what? Today I feel relieved.

For the past month, this is all I could think and talk about. At work, at home, with friends and with family- it was The Topic of Conversation. And I was dreading today. I was dreading handing over a project I care very much about to people I didn’t know. I was dreading saying goodbye to coworkers who’ve become friends. I was (and still am, to be honest) dreading life without my reliable paycheck.  I was dreading a huge stretch of down time, wondering what I was going to do with myself. But by today, I was just ready to end this chapter and move on.

My manager drove 7 hours up from VA to take me to lunch today- which is about as classy as you can get and I’m touched by her kindness. I was worried it was going to be awkward, but it wasn’t. We had a good meal, some good laughs and a few tears.  I don’t hold her responsible for this- I know how things work as I’ve had to be that manager in the past.  When our meal was over, I handed her my computer and my ID and that was that.  Done. Finished. Over.

To mark the occasion, I took the kids out to a fundraiser at a local Frozen Yogurt place, grabbed a pizza and watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabain with my family.  I got an email this afternoon offering me a part time job doing something I think I’m going to enjoy very, very much.  Between that and a few freelance gigs I’m hoping to get, I’m going to be just fine.  I’m starting to see this as the kick out of my comfort zone that I may have needed for a long time.

So here’s to the adventure in store, the financial uncertainty that will keep me up at night and the endless applications that’ll cause me to pull my hair out- all of which, I’m sure, will take me exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Oct21

This, That & Seamus

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So hi. Been what- 6 days now? Amazing how fast time goes by, isn’t it? Wishing I had something super exciting to share, but I don’t, really. So…here are some snippets of what’s shaking.

The interviews last week went well. The first one lasted all of 3 minutes when the recruiter informed me that they were looking for someone who lived in Boston. That’s clearly not me. The second interview was with the HR recruiter for a job I very much want and that went amazing! We clicked, the mutual interest was there and I was on Cloud Nine when she immediately scheduled a follow up for me for the next day with the hiring manager. That interview was much harder to read although I was very pleased with how I did.  So I’m waiting to hear if I’m still in the running there.  The third interview was for a local job that went so well that I left there very disappointed that it was only part time and not terribly high paying. I’m really hoping I get that job- if nothing else, I’ll love it and it’ll get me out of the house once I roll off my job at the end of the week!

~*~*~*~*~

Yup, I roll off my job this week. Still trying to figure out how I feel about that besides panicked for the poor guys taking over for me. Which I know is crazy to feel given the circumstances, but I do.

~*~*~*~*~

Meet Seamus!

Seamus

Scorch decided a while back he wanted his very own pet – because evidently the 2 cats and the dog weren’t enough for him. First he wanted a snake. That got a big Hell No from us. Then he wanted a lizard- also a no go.  Hamster? Also not happening thanks to a 4th grade birthday party that scared me for life. Then he suggested a gold fish. Hmmm…maybe. But with the short life span and the cleaning of the bowl, that sounded like a giant PITA too. So the Hubs suggested a hermit crab- with the stipulation Scorch had to pay for it himself.  Since we don’t give him an allowance and it was months from any holiday or his birthday, we figured we were safe.

Yeah- that little kid had $26 in change saved up in under 2 months from scrounging around everywhere. I kid you not when I tell you Scorch walked around any time we were in public with his eyes glued to the ground hoping to find lost change.  And he did it- he kept at it and saved enough.  So two weeks ago, we went to the pet shop and Scorch bought his very own pet with his very own money!  While a hermit crab isn’t my first (or even 10th) choice of a pet, Seamus is quiet, clean and low maintenance. I guess we could have done worse!

And, sadly, that’s the most exciting news I’ve had to share all week!

 

Oct15

Head Space

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The weird thing about being told that I’m getting laid off, but then having 30 days left to work is that nothing’s changed. Except everything has. My routine is still the same- I get up, I work out, I get my kids ready for school, I work for 8+ hours, tend to the kids/homework/dinner/bedtime, have a few hours to kill (now spent searching for a new job) and go to bed. There is no huge yawning expanse of free time yet- if anything, the to-do list is a thousand times longer than it was a month ago as I update my resume, post it, search for jobs, reach out to contacts, finish up all the documentation to hand off to the people taking over bits and pieces of my job, make sure our finances are in order, figure out where we can cut out expenses and on and on and on… all with the low level vibration in my head, this sense of never-ending urgency pounding in my chest.

~*~*~

It feels odd to talk about my job loss. But it’s all I think about. Not so much the loss of the job I have (had?), although there is some mourning there. More in terms of what it means for the future, how it will affect us all and when I’ll find another job. It’s scary because I’ve worked since I was 15- I’ve never not had a job in the past 20 years. I worked at a golf course, at Victoria’s Secret, at a warehouse on my college campus, at IBM and this horrible start up right out of college. Then I got my current (former?) job when I was 22 and here I still am (was?).  I did a lot of fun, fun projects at this job and I met some of the most incredible, inspiring, giving people. Even when I didn’t much enjoy what I did, I still enjoyed going to work because of my coworkers.  Them, I’ll miss.

But I don’t feel like I’m losing my identity (one of the things the online brochure said I may feel after my lay off) because I’m so much more than my job.  My job allowed me to live the life I wanted to live- one with a stable home and vacations and a wonderful, loving school for my kids. We don’t live extravagantly, but we live(d) well. I’ll miss that sense of security.

But I feel dumb talking about this like it’s some big tragedy. I’m not battling a disease, no one’s safety is at stake, my kids are still happy. my husband is supportive and we’re not about to lose our home or car or even cable TV over this.  But some days it’s all I can talk about. It bleeds into every conversation whether it’s due to concerned friends asking how I’m doing or me having to explain to the kids why going to the indoor waterpark at $35/person on our day off isn’t in the budget anymore.  It’s this weird head space of wanting to think/pretend everything’s normal while knowing it’s not and that you’re fooling yourself because you can’t even think about going out to dinner without have an internal panic attack thinking about the cost. It’s an odd, odd way to live.

~*~*~

I have 3 interviews over the next 3 days.  I’ll take any good wishes & prayers I can get!

 

 

 

 

 

Oct13

A New Favorite

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While I’ve been on a bit of a reading slump lately (as in nothing’s holding my attention), the kids and I read the best book today called Dozens of Cousins by Shutta Crum.  It took me a few pages to find the cadence because some passages rhyme and some don’t, but once I got my groove, I fell in love. It’s a book about a pack of cousins (collectively called the beasties) at a family reunion for the day and the mischief they cause.

By the time that coals are all that’s left to glitter,

we’re adrift in the murmuring river of adults.

Our bare feet drag through the settling dew.

We claw our way onto laps, steal hugs,

and snatch at splashes of song.

 

Oh, we are weary ogres!

We float, munching on tasty words

that well up in stories,

and on the soft lapping of laughter.

Ahhhh, tender beastie food.

The kids and I had to stop and talk about what some of the pages were saying, like the one above, but once they got it you could see their eyes light up. It reminded me of the fun you can have only with the people who you’ve known your whole life. If you’re looking for a lovely, funny story about extended family, this is it.

Oct10

Sometimes You Just Dance

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Today has been the most down that I’ve been since receiving the news about my job. I’m frankly feeling very overwhelmed between trying to figure out how the government shutdown will hit the Hubs paycheck(s), working my currently job the best I can and looking for a new job. To add insult to injury, we had to make some of our financial cutbacks today and one of those cutbacks affects an extremely hardworking, amazing single mom and I feel guilty as hell over it.

In short- today sucked.

But sometimes when you’re in a mood, the best thing you can do is dance. So that is what the kids and I did! A friend recommended that we check out the video for The Fox by Ylvis so we did.  And in between laughing like a bunch of crazy people, we danced.  In case you’re wondering, it’s really hard to be in a bad mood when you’re watching a dancing, singing fox break it down.  Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day!

 

Oct9

Keep On Keeping On

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So here is what I know: working full time while looking for a new job basically means that I’m working two jobs all in the hopes of getting paid for one. Throw in some extra stress about the Government Shutdown and wondering when the Hubs will get paid next and you’d think we’d be complete stress-balls.  And you’d be right- sort of.  This all IS stressful, but you know what? Life goes on.

Lunches need to be made. Dishes need to be washed. The kids need to get to school on time. Library books need to be returned. It’s sounds terrible cliche- but it’s true. There really isn’t a lot of time for moping and sulking in the life we live, which is a good thing! We told the kids today about  my job and we shaped it as a grand adventure, which hopefully it will be!

Many thanks to those of you who have reached out and offered to help- it means more than you know!

Oct6

Let Go

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Thursdays are often a crazy day for me. I work from 7 – 3:30, then I pick up the kids and we rush around doing errands for 35 minutes, then it’s off to swim lessons and a quick dinner before I pass the kids off to the Hubs so I can rush back to school and work at Bingo for 2.5 hours before finally crashing around 10:30. This particular Thursday was shaping up like all the rest, but the sun was shining and the kids went to school without a fuss so I figured it was going to be a good day.  I was going to attack my to-do list, manage my time and have a good afternoon with the kids. That was the plan at least.

Until I got laid off.

When my boss’s boss pinged me to see if I had time to chat, I wasn’t surprised. He and I had been playing tag for weeks trying to connect on a project and I figured he was grabbing 15 minutes with me to finally nail it down.  What I wasn’t expecting was for him to tell me that, due to budget constraints, I was to consider our conversation my 30 days notice as they were doing away with my department altogether.

*POOF*  Laid off.

I have been with my current employer for 13 years and I’ve genuinely enjoyed all of them. I wasn’t saving the world, but I was helping customers and, most importantly, I worked with an incredible group of people that I’m proud to call my friends. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve dreaded going to work and I generally find most of what I do to be interesting. I know it sound naive given the economy, but I honestly thought I could retire from this company.  Unfortunately, due to cost savings considerations, they felt differently.

I won’t lie, the first couple days after I got the news, I was reeling. I cried at the drop of a hat, I was angry and I was ashamed.  But, with the help of the Hubs, family and amazing friends, I got past being ashamed. I have nothing to be ashamed about- life happens and companies have to make hard decisions. I am wrestling with guilt- guilt about how my family’s life is going to change if I don’t find a job quickly. Guilt over the things they’ll have to give up because unemployment, while very helpful, isn’t a replacement for my salary. I still cry occasionally and part of me is still angry- but I’m moving past that.

Now I’m starting to get excited and hopeful. There is a big, glorious world out there and while I’m very much a creature of habit, being shaken out of my rut is going to force me to see more of it! Maybe I’ll get lucky and find a new job right away and my family won’t have to deal with any major bumps in our road. Or maybe I’ll get lucky and I won’t find a job right away and I’ll have some time to volunteer at the kid’s school and get creative with my cooking. I honestly don’t know which way things are going to go, so I’m trying to swallow my terror and have faith that somehow, we’ll be just fine.