Author Archives: Heather

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About Heather

I adore my family, writing, books, cats, lazy mornings in bed, and chocolate. I'll never say no to breakfast for dinner, long talks with friends and lazy summer days at the pool with family. My life is often crazy, always awesome and one I'm so happy to be living! My side hustle is editing and proofing work. Find out more at https://heathercaryn.com/
Sep13

Laying Down the Law

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Over the past year, the kids have gradually started acquiring more and more bad habits. It’s all normal kids stuff, but it been building for a while.  It started with minor stuff- not listening as well.  Small back talking. Insults to each other that were thrown around in a rage.  Stuff that was really annoying and not fun to deal with, but it wasn’t constant, so we dealt with each instance and moved on.

Then this summer, those occasionally issues became more and more frequent.  Calling each other stupid stopped being the exception and started to become a commonly thrown around phrase.  Counting down to get the kids to do what I asked them to do was only working 50% of the time. The rough housing soon started to become more mean spirited and aggressive.  So while the Hubs was out of town, Mary (our awesome nanny) and I changed our approach to how we handled punishment and that helped a lot.  The kids were old enough that time outs weren’t really working anymore, so we shifted to losing privileges (dessert, the Wii, etc) and that helped a lot.

Well- then last week happened.  Mary worked her last day with us.  The kids started school.  The Hubs was working crazy hours due to the flooding in the county south of us.  Basically it was the perfect storm of confusion, change and worry for the kiddos and they exploded on Saturday.  They were nuts from the minute they woke up until the minute they went to bed.  They sassed us, the Bean called me  “stupid,” Scorch out and out ignored us, they would slug each other for no reason at all- they were a mess!  All day long we tried the combination of time out and removing privileges, but frankly, they didn’t care.  We ended up leaving Mass early that night (something we’ve never done) because of their behavior.  The Hubs and I were embarrassed, frustrated and really really disappointed in the kids.

After strapping the kids into their car seats, the Hubs and I had a quick huddle in the parking lot of church trying to figure out how to approach this.  We completely understood why the kids were losing their shit, but frankly that didn’t excuse it.  So we decided it was time for some shock and awe.  My mother in law stayed at our house last week and she spoiled my kids rotten with some of the most awesome toys ever- so we took them all away for a week.  We packed them up, loaded them in a box and put them in the car.  Before we did it, we had  Family Meeting to talk to the kids about why we did it and what we expected from them to get them back in a week.  We stressed to them how much we loved them and how we know they can make good, kind decisions and while we don’t like taking away their things, we were going to continue to do so every time they broke our family rules.

Needless to say, that went over like a ton of bricks.  Oh- the tears. The pleading. The bargaining.  But we stood firm, fed our kids dinner and put them to bed an hour early because we knew damn well that exhaustion was playing a part in all this.  Before we said good night, we held another quick Family Meeting in Scorch’s bed reiterating how much loved them and how we can’t wait to have better days going forward.

After we said goodnight to the kids, the Hubs and I came out to the living room and I got all teary.  Hearing Scorch ask me over and over if I was mad at him because he hates it when I’m mad at him just about killed me.  I told him that I wasn’t mad, that I was disappointed and frustrated and we talked about how  no matter what, I’ll always love him- but still. Knife meet heart.  I won’t even go into the Bean’s frantic little “I’m sorry’s” over and over.  I honestly felt like the worst mom ever.  Clearly we were screwing up raising these kids right and now we were monsters for making our kids think we hated them.  I might as well start a separate savings account for their therapy bills now.

Saturday wasn’t our finest hour as a family and I had been struggling with taking such a hard line with the kids. While I tend to be more of the disciplinarian in our family, I don’t like being mean and I really wondered if we crossed that line from setting boundaries to being punitive just because we were so angry.

Then I saw this video:

I so needed to hear this and am so glad I stumbled across this when I did.  It didn’t erase all the crazy guilt (I think that’ll always be there), but it reminded me that taking a strong hand with my kids won’t kill them. That there are a gazillion other ways to show my  kids that I love them- including doing my damndest to raise them to be good people.  Jury’s still out if we’ll succeed, but it won’t be from lack of trying!

Sep11

When the World Stopped Turning

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“Hey babe- it’s me.  We just heard that a plane crashed into one of the buildings in NYC. Can you hop online and let me know what’s going on?”

I was irritated that my husband of 3 weeks was calling me the morning of 9/11.  My commute to work from Maryland to Virginia had taken me longer than normal that morning because of an accident and I was running behind.  Chasing down a random rumor that the Hubs, then working at the White House, had heard wasn’t on my to-do list.

But my curiosity got the best of me so I started checking the news sites.  It was still before 9 am ET, so most of the news sites only had a ticker across the top page stating that a plane did hit one of the World Trade Towers with scant details.  I figured some poor pilot of a small plane had a heart attack or something and didn’t think much of it.  I called the Hubs back and reported what little I knew and went about my morning.

Five minutes later, the Hubs called back. This time there was no mistaking the tension in his voice as he told me her heard that another plane hit the WTC.  I still didn’t grasp the magnitude of what was happening.  Terrorism never once crossed my mind until the plane hit the Pentagon.   If a plane hit the Pentagon, what’s to say another one wasn’t heading for the White House?

The rest of the morning passed in a blur as I tried to reach the Hubs.  I was lucky enough to connect with him a few times during the day, but it was sporadic.  During one of our phone conversations soon after the Pentagon was hit, he told me that intelligence was reporting that a plane was coming for the White House.  We did our best to say what we needed to just in case and then I prayed. There was nothing else I could do.  At 10:03 am ET, the plane that very well may have been heading for my husband and all the rest of the people at the White House went down in Shanksville, PA.

I was lucky- after a 20 hour day at the White House, my husband came home to me that night. Sadly, the families of 2,977 people can’t say the same.

Ten years later, we remember those who lost their lives on that September morning.  They were mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers and sister.  Most were people going about their daily lives who had no idea what was about to happen, but others that lost their lives because they willingly went running into the disaster to try to help.  Each and every one of them were heroes and all of them are missed.

Sep9

First Day

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After all the worrying and stress, the first day of school is over! Friends were made, lunches were had, playgrounds were conquered and the only tears that were shed were by Bean at the end of the day.

Over night I went from having little kids to having a Kindergartener and a Preschooler.  Let’s hope the rest of their year is filled with this much anticipation and excitement!

 

Sep8

Well…

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So last I left off, I was in the midst of a small emotional breakdown.  No biggie…

Mary’s last day was yesterday and I randomly burst into tears through out the day.  Thankfully I had also started a Bootcamp class at the gym that morning, so I could blame the crying on the pain if anyone asked. Heaven forbid I look like a softie.  The hardest part about yesterday was Scorch’s reaction. My poor, sweet, sensitive boy cried for about 20 minutes while saying goodbye to Mary and then again after she left.  Thankfully my Mother-in-Law arrived as Mary was leaving, so that was a good distraction for him.

This morning, I went to Spin class and when I got home at 6:30 we had 1 hour and 10 minutes to get 3 adults and 2 kids ready for the first day of school.  We were rocking this morning- everyone ate, the kids looked adorable, they were both super excited to go to school (the Bean kept asking me not to stay today, she wanted to be  Big Girl!) and all was well.  We had just finished tying the laces to  Scorch’s brand new sneakers when my phone rang.  It was a text message letting us know that the school was on a 2 hour delay due to flooding conditions.  What the what? Within 15 minutes after that, schools were closed for the day.

Talk about anticlimactic, huh?

Thankfully my town didn’t get hit hard with the flooding but the town I grew up in and the surrounding areas did. The pictures of the water and the damage breaks my heart- it’s hard to fathom it all.

The Hubs has been down there all day helping to evacuate people- over 20,000 people have been forced from their homes and many have no idea what they’ll be coming home to.  Please say a prayer for those hit hard by this.

Sep4

Breakdown- Aisle 6

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As I was doing our weekly grocery shopping this evening, I realized that I had to buy food for my kids lunches for when they go to school this week.  Both of them- my 3 year old and my 5 year old.  In school. Full time.

And then I got all teary eyed because holy crap, my kids have never, ever been away from me for a full day before. We’ve always had the amazing Mary around which allowed us to send Scorch to school part time.  But no more- he’s going to Kindergarten and the Bean is starting preschool full time.

So, consider this post fair warning for the week ahead.  Either you won’t hear from me at all because I’ll be completely overwhelmed or you’ll be reading over emotional, hand wringing posts.  Read at your own risk.

Sep1

Love Thursday: One Small Step

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Dear Scorch-

Last night we went to an Ice Cream social at your school a week before classes begin.  We’ve gone every year since you started school there as a 3 year old and every year you’ve clung to us.  You’ve buried your head in my shoulder and refused to shake hands or say hi to your new teacher.  Last year you warmed up about 30 minutes in and went to play with friends, but you kept us in your line of sight the whole time.

This year was a whole new ball game.

You proudly marched in the cafeteria and were so excited to be back.  You pointed everything out to the Bean because you know she’ll be scared when she starts there next week too.  You ran up to all your former teachers and gave them big hugs and filled them in on random facts about your summer break.

I got to pet an alligator!

Daddy has a new job and a new badge and it’s super cool!

I fell on the playground last week and really did a number on my face!

Mommy got stung by a jellyfish- in her hiney!

When it came time to meet your new teachers, you were a little shy.  But as soon as they put their hands out to shake yours, you didn’t hesitate.

Hi, I’m Scorch.

And then- you were off.  You were hugging friends and running around without a backwards glance.  You didn’t care where we were, you just wanted to go. The only time we saw you for the next hour was if we tracked you down to make sure you were still in the building.

And I died a little inside knowing that this was just one more (big) step forward- not the first and surely not the last.

Every day you assert yourself more and more. Last week when I asked you to do something, you said “No. I refuse.” After I shut my mouth (which had hit the floor), I insisted that you do do what was asked of you- but inside I was thrilled with your gumption & your vocabulary.   Just about every day you bring me a new piece of paper with a word or a phrase you’ve tried to sound out yourself- you are bursting to learn how to write and I couldn’t be more excited for you! (Unfortunately it looks like your skills at sounding out words is as good as mine- but don’t worry kiddo, there is a reason we have spell check).

I want so much for you this year- your first year in school full time.  I want you to learn- be a sponge and ask a million questions.  I want you to make a zillion different kinds of friends- a best friend, a play ground buddy, a friend to sit next to at lunch, friends who are boys and friends who are girls.  I want you to have the confidence to ask to play with a stranger. I want you to simply love school- all aspects of it.  And I think you will.

To quote one of your favorite movies-  “You’ve got guts, spunk and moxie, kid!”  And you do! We cannot wait to watch you shine this year!

I love you.

– Mommy

 

 

Aug30

Finding My Passion

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I have a life coach (what doesn’t everyone have one?)-  she’s part dear friend and part therapist and lately she’s been challenging me to identify my passion.

That’s easy, right? My family.  My friends.  They are my passion.

But there is a catch- she wants me to identify a passion that fulfills me- Heather- as a person.  Not as Mom.  Not as a wife. Not as an employee.  Just me.  What am I passionate about?  What, outside my family, fills my cup?

The sad thing is I have no idea.  None.  I love to read.  I am learning to enjoy running.  Those are about the only two things I carve time out for myself to do.   I’m lucky enough to have a girls night out once or twice a month but other then that my life revolves around the kids and the Hubs.  Most of the time, I’m fine with that- but there are times, especially now that the kids are getting older, that I want to figure out what makes me tick.

I also want to find a way to give back and help others.  We live a very, very blessed life.   We have our stress and our struggles, but we don’t want for anything.  We work damn hard for this security & comfort, but it doesn’t mean I’m not lucky, because I am.  So how do I pay it forward? How do I leave my mark on my community outside of raising my kids to be good, upstanding people? My sweet kids will, without a doubt, be my biggest contribution to the world- but they don’t have to be my only contribution.

I have a feeling these two things- finding my passion & giving back- are tied together. I just don’t know how yet.  Do I want to build with Habitat for Humanity? Do I want to serve meals at a local soup kitchen?  Do I want to rock babies at the hospital?  Read to the elderly?  Again, I don’t know.  But I’m bound and determined to figure it out!

So tell me, what’s your passion? How do you give back? I’m open to your suggestions, so please- share!

Aug29

Just a Normal Night

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It’s 8:30 and the kids have been in bed for the past 10 minutes.  I’m in our family room getting ready to turn on the TV when Scorch comes tearing down the stairs in full freak out mode.

“Mom, Mom! I have to show you something.  It’s really weird and I don’t know what it is and you need to get rid of it right now!”

“Whoa- slow down.  What’s right where?”  I figured there was a bug somewhere in his room – we always have a moth or 5 in the house thanks to letting the dog in and out in the evening & they like Scorch’s night light.

“It’s on my fingers and I have no idea what it is and you need to take it off right now!”

I examine his finger closely for .005 seconds.

“Seriously, bud?!  It’s a booger- go get a tissue and get back to bed!”

So…how is your night going?

Aug25

A Full Cup

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I read a blog post earlier this week that’s been nagging at me.  I encourage you to read it for yourself, but a very simplified summary is that the authors son’s (who is a little younger then Scorch) was having some behavioral issues.  He wasn’t being bad, he was just acting out and just simply not himself.  His mom tried to figure out what in the world was causing his behavior- especially his need to constantly have a cup of milk- but she was stumped until a friend pointed out that these behaviors were all just little cries for his mom’s attention. Every time he was asking for more milk, he was really asking for more of his mom’s time.

That hit home for me.

This summer has been a challenging one with the Hubs gone for most of it.  That was a huge transition for us all.  But now the Hubs is home and while that’s great, it’s another transition getting use to being a family of 4 again.  The kids know that when they start school in 2 short weeks, our wonderful nanny is going to another job and that is another major upheaval in their lives.  And all these changes are wearing on my kids and showing in their behavior.

They are quicker to snap at each other. Quicker to taunt one another.  Faster to lose their tempers or start to cry. Scorch especially doesn’t hesitate to say something out of the blue that he knows will get him in trouble and it’s been making me batty.

The answer is obvious- my kids need more attention, more stability and a stronger parental presence during this crazy time. But instead of giving them that, I’ve been doing my best to keep the peace with too much electronic entertainment so I can get a minute of quiet and a break from the arguing.  And by doing that, all I’m doing is making things worse.  So this week I’m trying to make a conscience effort to put my book down more often, to engage my kids in what ever I’m doing and to simply be more present when we have down time.  My kids deserve a full cup and it’s up to the Hubs and I give one to them.

Aug23

Hands Are Not For Hitting (Maybe)

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Talk to me about how you feel about your kids being physical with each other because we’re dealing with that a lot round these parts lately.

I fall into the camp that as long as no one is hitting/kicking/shoving/whatever out of anger or malice, I’m going to let the kids play.  I keep an eye on them and I intervene before I think things are going to get out of hand, but pushing/shoving/accidental hitting is, in my opinion, just part of having a sibling.  As long as the potential for serious injury isn’t likely and neither of the kids are objecting, I’m OK with wrestling or jumping next to each other.

The Hubs feels that the kids need to keep their hands to themselves and likes to keep rough housing to a minimum because he worries (rightly so) that things can go from fun playing to an injury in no time flat.  I may see that as a hazard of having a sibling, but he sees that as completely avoidable.

I certainly don’t want to see my kids get hurt and unsolicited hitting (*ahem* Beam) and being way too rough because you’re angry (*ahem* Scorch) isn’t tolerated and both kids know that.  But roughhousing? Have at it and don’t bother me unless you’re bleeding or your eye is hanging out.

So where do you fall on the spectrum?