Category Archives: Uncategorized

May14

19.

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Dear Scorch-

When I started this blog, you were 4. And now? Now, you’re 19. I wonder when I’ll stop writing these birthday posts. At what point will you fully transition from my little boy to a full-fledged man in my eyes? I’m not sure, but I can tell you it’s not 19. 😉

One of my greatest delights when I look back at all your birthday posts, is seeing how much I adored you at every single age, during every single stage. And that streak hasn’t broken yet- every single year is my favorite for one reason or another. That said, the first 3rd of the year after you turned 18 was H.A.R.D. in so many ways. Lots of moments – big and small – suuuuuuuuucked so hard. We clashed big time – there was more yelling, tears, fights, slammed doors, quiet seething, and I’m sorry hugs in those 4 months than in your whole life.

But there were just as many moments that were absolute magic- your last season of baseball, seeing you graduate from two schools (college AND high school!), feeling all the feels when we dropped you off at school, watching you play in your first college football game AND score a touchdown, and hearing your stories of making friends and navigating a life completely separate from us.

I guess that’s the push and pull that happens when all the work you’ve put into your kid comes to fruition and your kid is ready to move on to the next stage of life. That child who was once an infant, then a toddler, then pre-schooler – that child whose whole wide world revolved around Mom and Dad and Sister. That child who was once a little kid, then a big kid, then a tween – whose life expanded to include friends and sports and hobbies, but who still loved his Mom and Dad and Sister best. That child who is now a teenager and whose world had grown so much bigger than Mom and Dad and Sister- who drives, and lives 2 hours away, and has friends we’ve never met. It’s exactly the life we want for you- but boy, it’s bittersweet when it arrives.

The good news is once we got past the first few months of you turning 18 and we got over the fear/worry/joy/sadness of you going to college and actually dropped you off, things smoothed out. We missed you like crazy- the house was so quiet and neat and boring without you – but we found our new normal. And we are so, so proud of how you handled your first year of college. Juggling coursework, playing a sport, and having a long-distance girlfriend is no joke, and you handled it with a lot of grace. That’s not to say it was easy, but you learned quickly how to advocate for yourself, and how manage your time and priorities, and you did a fantastic job of it!

So, here’s to 19 and enjoying this summer, working your first 9-5 job, and being responsible for a car alllll by yourself. And here is what I wish for you for this upcoming year:

  • Keep working hard. In school, at football, and at life. You’re not promised a damn thing, so put your energy and love into the things that make you happy and keep driving your life forward.
  • Know that this time you’re in is short and soak up every minute of it- the good, the bad, and everything in between. If you’re lucky, you’ve got 3 more years of college football- hold on to them tight with both hands because you’ll never be this young again.
  • Keep expanding your network of friends. Treat everyone you meet as someone who was sent to teach you something. Learn from their experiences, listen to their stories, and be a good friend in return. The world is a lot smaller than you think, so cherish every connection because you never know when it’ll become important.
  • Say yes to every opportunity. This is the time to learn what you like and what you don’t like – and you won’t figure that out until you’ve sampled as much of life as possible. Volunteering, internships, road trips- all of it. Say yes to all of it. Complacency is your worst enemy right now.
  • Know that you can jump because you’ll always have a safe place to land. Bud – I’m sure we’re not done clashing and butting heads – but our house will always be your home. You will always be welcomed here, supported here, and loved here, so swing for the fences knowing that we’re always behind you.

Happy 19th to you, my favorite son! We love you, we’re proud of you, and we cannot wait to see what this year brings!

Love,
Mom

May6

Year 1, Done

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Scorch finishes his freshman year today. Which- how? I mean, I still remember sobbing the night before he went to college like it was yesterday. The gut punch when we got home after dropping him off, and I had to make a meal for 3 instead of 4. The worry those first couple of nights when he had to share a room with a freaking stranger (who is wonderful, and we adore). Checking his location obsessively, wondering if I was texting too much. Or not enough. Did he know we loved him? Were we (me) smothering him? And on and on and on….

And now – he’s home, like a nanosecond later.

I’m sure I’m not sharing anything earth shatter here, but here is what I learned during Scorch’s freshman year:

  1. Everyone will adjust to the change quicker than you can imagine. That checking his location thing? The only time I do it now is when he’s driving to come home or if I need to call him and I’m not sure if he’s class.
  2. Money-management isn’t everyone’s forte no matter how much you think you taught your kid. Technically, your 18+ year old doesn’t have to keep you on his bank account but Scorch did and let me tell you, we talked about money management A LOT this year. I went back and forth between panicking over how much he was spending AND saying f*** it, better he learn now that money doesn’t grow on trees than when he has rent due. Still not sure we did it right – but I was not prepared for that to be our main sticking point, so I’m warning you.
  3. Your reply to allllllll school-related / sports-related questions and concerns from your kid, should always be to talk to their advisor / professor / coach. We had to talk Scorch through advocating for himself a lot at the start of the school year, but within a few weeks, he figured it out. Your answer should never be to reach out to his professor / coach unless it’s an extreme situation.
  4. Kids are always going to need less dining dollars than you think, and want more flex spending dollars than you’d want.
  5. Your kid is going to screw up. They just are. Hopefully it’s a fixable screw up and you can talk them through working to fix it if needed, but ultimately they’ll learn from these screw ups. YOU fixing it for them though? That doesn’t teach them anything.
  6. Sometimes your kid just has to sit through the suck. I was warned that the 6-week mark of the fall semester was the hardest for everyone. For Scorch, that wasn’t the case b/c he was deep in football and loving life. But it was true of the Spring semester and, you know what? He lived. He talked about quitting football, going to a different school, etc- so we talked it out. I don’t want my kid to be miserable, but time went on and he found his groove again. Cutting and running isn’t always the answer.
  7. The biggest lesson for me was letting go of what I can’t control. I can’t control how much sleep he gets, if he takes his meds, if he goes to classes, if he’s giving everything his all, if he’s eating well, and on and on. And pretending I could made us both crazy. I have to trust we raised a good kid who is going to make smart decisions. And if he doesn’t, that he’s mature enough to deal with the consequences, big and small. That doesn’t mean that we don’t try to guide and advise- but the ultimate control of Scorch’s life resides with him. Heaven help us all. 😉
  8. When your kiddo goes away to school, schedule when you’re going to see them next. It’ll help your heart.
  9. Know that when they do come home, you’re not going to be their top priority and make peace with that. Set time over the break to make sure you have a meal, take an outing, whatever- and then let them do their thing. The more you try to hold tight, the more they’re going to wrestle for their freedom after being at school.
  10. Also know, the first couple breaks? They’re going to suck sometimes. You’re going to hear a gazillion versions of “I’m a grown up and you can’t tell me what to do.” It’s fun. So, again, talk before they come home about expectations. Respect and communication. House rules (read: we’re not a dorm). And if you co-parent, try to make sure you and your significant other decide on your rules before your kid comes home. There is nothing like one parent telling the kid to be home by 10:30 and the other not giving a curfew to make things testy in the house (ask me how I know?).










That’s all I got right now. If there is anything else I can share, including the dorm packing list, let me know. 





And Scorch- welcome home, we’re so damn proud of you!



		
	
					


	

		


	
May24

	

											
18.

					
		

			
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Dearest Scorch-





The day you were born feels like yesterday. We didn’t know if we were having a boy or a girl when you were born- but I was secretly convinced that you were a girl. When you were born, and they told me you were a boy, it took me a solid minute to rearrange the life I had imagined for us. Hair bow swapped out for ball caps, blues instead of pinks, and trucks instead of tutus.





What I could have never, ever imagined is how amazing our life would really be and just how quickly time would fly by. Because, bud, it feels like I just held you for the first time. Watched you roll over, crawl and then walk. Heard your first word, saw your first smile, and walked you into your first day of school.












But it wasn’t. It was 18 years ago. 





Happy birthday, my not-so-baby boy! To know you is to love you. You are one of the absolute joys in my life and simply cannot imagine a life without you in it. You are funny, and smart, and dedicated, and determined, and loved beyond measure. You are everything I always wanted in a child and so amazingly uniquely you.





17 was a YEAR, kiddo. A year of emotions and changes and feelings and fights and apologizing and figuring things out. But through it all, we keep talking. We keep trying. We keep working for an amazing future for you. It’s not always easy- there are times I want to throttle you and I’m 99.9% sure you feel the same way. There have been shouting matches and slammed doors and tears and things have seemed like a hot, huge mess. But there has also been laughing till we snort, big hugs, soft words, and moments I hope I never forget. There have been road trips, vacations, tournaments, milestones, and feeling like I may burst from the love I feel for you.












It’s impossible to put into words how unbelievably *proud* I am of you. You don’t always get it right (but then again, neither do I), but you always put the work in. You always are there when people need you. You are an inspiring leader, a good friend, and a fantastic person. If you need to learn anything, it’s how to put yourself, your feelings, and your desires first. It’s OK to take up space and have an opinion on things- being a people pleaser doesn’t mean having to tie yourself up into a pretzel just to make someone else happy.





You graduate from high school next month, bud. You have had a fantastic 12 years in school- you played sports, were on student council, pretended to be an anchorman at basketball games, partook in every damn pep rally in school, made friends out of your teachers and, I hope, enjoyed your last 4 years of school as much as possible. You expanded your friend group, dealt with some bumps in the road, navigated a long-term romantic relationship, were team captain x3, and made a mountain of memories that I hope you cherish. Not like in a “Glory Days” way- but in a “I made the most of time” way.












And now in less than 3 months, you go to college. I can’t even write it without getting a lump in my throat because I am NOT ready for this step. But you are and I’m so proud of you for it. Where to go wasn’t an easy decision, but I’m hopeful that you made the right decision and that you’ll thrive. I cannot wait to see you blossom and grow, to meet your new friends, to watch you play football and to see who you become when you’re living your best life. But like…not too good of a life, you know? 😉





So here is what I hope for you in your 18th year on this planet:





1. I hope you learn that you do not bear the responsibility of the world. You can do what makes you happy- that’s not selfish, that’s human. Your needs and wants are more than valid and it’s OK to put your foot down and voice them. Some things can’t be compromised about and if you don’t learn the art of give and take, you’re not going to be nearly as happy as you deserve to be.





2. I hope you LOVE college. Like- love it. I hope you take advantage of everything at your fingertips in the best, healthiest way. Make new friends, take allllll the classes, find your people, learn how to live in a shared space, develop your leadership skills, and work hard. We cannot wait to see you succeed.





3. And if you don’t succeed, if you mess up or this college / roommate / team isn’t for you, I hope you learn resiliency and how to embrace change. Life isn’t perfect- but outside of death and having babies – there is nothing that can’t be fixed or changed. Learn from what you’ve been through, adjust course and keep going.





4. I hope you always remember that home is your safe space. It’s where you can talk through everything, share your thoughts, hide from the world and be celebrated when you excel. It’s full of people who love you and are always here for you no matter how old you get. That will never change.





5. I hope you enjoy this wild ride called life. It goes by fast, bud- so take advantage of every opportunity presented to you. Travel. Make new friends, but cherish the old ones. Work on your relationships. Don’t hold silly grudges. Keep working on being the healthiest – physically and mentally – that you can be. The ONLY person in this world that can make you happy, is you. So put the time in to becoming a person you’d want to be friends with.





6. I hope you freaking love playing college football. I hope you remain the coachable, driven, determined player you’ve always been. We cannot wait to watch you play, learn and grow as a person and a player.












Most of all, bud, we hope you continue to grow into the amazing person we know you are. You are one of the two biggest blessings in our lives and parenting you for 18 years has been a privilege we don’t take for granted. I’m going to be a mess these next 3 months – I’m going to cling too hard, cry a lot and probably ask for a lot of your time. But that doesn’t take away one iota from how excited I am for you for the life you’re building. You’ve worked hard for every good thing you’ve earned, so enjoy every second, keep your head on straight and know that you are loved beyond words. 





Happy 18th, baby boy. We love you.





– Mom

					


	

		


	
Sep22

	

											
The End of Summer

					
		

			
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If you have spent any time with me in real life over the summer, you know I was counting down the days until school went back. I needed the stability of our routine back, I needed dedicated time where I didn’t have to worry about which kid needed to be where at what time during the summer. I needed hours where I could just work and not multitask working/parenting/cooking/driving/etc all at the same time. I’m a much better mother, wife and employee when I have a set time during the day to do each thing, not huge chunks of time when I’m trying to do all 3, and the return to school allows me to do that.










And I loathe feeling like that because I *love* summer. Hot days, vacation, swimming, sunshine and an, in theory, easier schedule. And this summer has been wonderful- we had two great vacations, lots of family time, countless laughs and a lot of great times. The kids were a delight and, as they continue to get older, I love their company more and more. We packed a lot into our short, northeast summer and I don’t regret a single moment of it.










But this summer was also hard – the kids, at 15 and 13, very rightly want to hang out with their friends during the summer. Scorch had football conditioning and practices, the Bean had basketball and I was the one coordinating it all. There were  a lot of days this summer where I was pretty sure I was failing at everything as I tried to keep all the balls in the air. So when the kids went back to school a few weeks ago, I may have danced a jig. 😉





Bean is in 8th grade, Scorch is in 10th. They are fully vac’d and back to school full time, wearing masks. There were a ton of nerves on the first morning (mine and theirs) as I made them pose for pictures in their back to school “finest”. Both have challenging schedules this year and will be juggling a lot but I couldn’t be more excited for them. I adore them both and know that they’ll do well this year – if nothing else, 2020 showed us just how adaptable and resourceful my kids are.










So, school? WELCOME THE FLUCK BACK. Please don’t ever leave me again, you gorgeous institution, you.  Summer 2022, I’ll be counting down the days until I see you.

					


	

		


	
Aug26

	

											
20 Years Down.

					
		

			
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A few months ago, we were out of town for a baseball tournament. The Hubs and I were tired, hot, hungry, sweaty, stressed over an ever changing schedule that day, and pretty much completely over everything. 





Including each other.





Something really dumb happened and he yelled at me and I yelled right back at him for raising his voice at me. (I know…the logic astounds.) Then we just yelled at each other over stupid shit like who was right to be angry and who was wrong for like 5 minutes. We’re not typically yellers – especially with both kids in the car – but we were D.O.N.E.  Shortly thereafter, I dropped the Hubs and Scorch off at the hotel and the Bean and I went to grab our lunches.





As we pulled away from the hotel, Bean says, “I don’t know why you both just don’t get a divorce. Allllll this yelling, come on.”





Wedding Kiss





I started to giggle a little because while we were both being asshats that day, we aren’t on the brink of divorce. When I asked her why she thought we should get a dirvorce, she told me that NONE of the couples fight on the TV shows she watches- The Outer Banks, The Vampire Diaries, etc.





I started to laugh even harder because…yeah. Real life, those shows are not.





~*~*~*





The Hubs and I celebrated our 20th anniversary a short while ago- a few days after my 25th high school reunion, as a matter of fact. (Any time I still feel hip and cool, I’m going to reread that sentence a few times.) I hate to say that our 20th felt anticlimactic, but it 100% did. This past year and a half was insane between Covid, remote learning, a huge home addition, summer travels, work stress and on and on and on. The fact that we survived this one year is more impressive than the past 19, to be honest.










I’ve been trying to figure out something profound that I can say about 20 years of marriage…and I’ve got nothing. It IS a milestone and it should be celebrated – and we did by going away for a night with friends to see James Taylor in concert (10/10 would highly recommend). But there are no magic words of wisdom or secrets I can tell you.





Here is what I have learned:





  • No one has a perfect marriage and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Anyone who tries to showcase theirs as such is lying to you and themselves.
  • Maintaining my marriage is, at the same time, the easiest and the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Some days I kill it, other days I fail miserably.
  • Staying married is a choice the Hubs and I make daily. We choose to put each other and our vows first even when it’s hard.
  • Some days we suck at it – we barely speak and just go through the motions.
  • Other days I look at that man and my heart swells because I have no idea how I got so freaking lucky.





Over the course of 20 years, the days I thank my lucky stars far outnumber the days I wonder what the hell I was thinking. My husband makes me laugh every day, always has my back and is a wonderful father to our kids. I have no idea what the next 20 years will hold but I’m praying hard I walk them with the Hubs by my side.

					


	

		


	
Aug5

	

											
13.

					
		

			
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Dear Bean-
As of writing this, you’re 13 and have been for a few weeks now. You’re annoyed that it’s taken me so long to write this, but girl, you know as well as I do that it’s been a summer. But that’s just an excuse because I’m still in denial that you’re 13. I mean, you’re my baby and the fact that you’re this old is mind boggling to me. You’ve heard me say countless times that I adore parenting older kids but that doesn’t mean I want you to grow up at warp speed.










But enough about me, your birthday is about you and you, my child, are amazing. You are smart, and funny, and quiet and loud and animated and reserved. You are ridiculously self-contained and you force me to be a better mother and person on a daily basis. You challenge me, my decisions, and my beliefs and there are days when I wish you were easier while marveling a minute later over how astounding you are.










So 12 was a crazy year, right? You moved to 7th grade which meant a new school allllll during Covid. You started out the year going to school full time, but after a series of never-ending quarantines, you transitioned to fully remote in January. You managed to avoid getting Covid when Dad, Scorch and I got it, but you did manage to get it 5 months later. You can never be simple, can you? 😉 Thankfully we all recovered relatively quickly with no long term side effects.





You took to remote learning like a duck to water- your grades were out of this world and you managed your schedule and to-do’s like a boss. I never had to worry about you when it came to school, I wish I had half your organizational skills. You also played basketball, a sport you’ve loved for years, and volleyball, a new-to-you sport. You excelled in both, made some new friends and challenged yourself which is all I can ask from you. Honestly, girl, you’ve done great this past year. You’ve shown grace during some really crappy situations, rolled with a lot of punches and grew more into who you are as a person. Have I mentioned lately that I adore you?










Now you’re 13 and getting ready to start 8th grade. Hopefully you’ll be in school, full time, with your friends that you missed all last year. Here’s what I hope for you, my wild child, as we enter this new year:






  • I hope you continue to hold on hard to who you are. Don’t break for anyone. You may have to bend a little – everyone does – but hold true to who you are and screw anyone who doesn’t like it.
  • I hope you hold tight to your friends. Your two BFFs are crazy in the best way and I hope you 3 continue to support and love each other fiercely.
  • I hope you make new friends. Two BFFs are amazing, but you can never have too many friends. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, give new people a chance and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Is that scary? Yup. Is it worth it? 100%
  • I hope you do something that scares you. Play a new sport. Join the drama club. Take a new elective. The world is getting bigger for you, embrace it, child.
  • I hope you are kind. You, my girl, are a little scary.  Quiet, self-contained girls in middle school always are – and that’s fine. You don’t have to change who you are, but I do ask that you be kind to others. Give people grace, have a sense of humor and be nice.
  • I hope you remember that your brother is your life-long best friend. Is he annoying? Yes. Does he smell? Yes. But he adores you and while you’re on the same school campus, lean into that. Love him hard and he’ll do the same.
  • I hope you know your worth. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration – always. Don’t settle for anything else in any relationship.










Most of all, child, I hope you know how amazing you are. Because you truly, truly are. Smart, passionate, funny- you’re a blessing to our family, the piece that made it complete and one of my greatest joys. Know that we will always love you, always be your safe spot and that we are so proud of the woman you’re growing into.





All my love,
Mom

					


	

		


	
Jun2

	

											
15.

					
		

			
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Dear Scorch-





You are now 15. And the time has finally come for you to butter your own waffles and make your own chocolate milk every morning. That was the deal – you can have social media at 15 in exchange for some self-sufficiency. So, happy birthday kiddo- the butter is in the fridge. 





How are you 15 years old? How do you have friends that are driving now? How are you within spitting distance of the end of your freshman year of high school? This- all of this– is a mystery to me.





 





Days-old Baby Scorch





Here is what I do know. I know I freaking adore you. You are a delight 95% of the time. Hysterically funny, kind hearted, smart, witty and mostly a joy. You have shown more grace, tenacity and adaptability than most adults I know during this pandemic year. The end of your 8th grade year ended with a whimper. Asynchronous school, no sports and a hell of a lot of uncertainty. We went from 100 to 0 overnight – it was jarring and scary for everyone. My anxiety was elevated, so I worried you were going to struggle, but you rolled with the punches with a level of maturity I didn’t know you had. 





For your 14th birthday, I took you on a hike (alllllll we did was hike), made you some BBQ chicken and we sat outside, socially distanced from people who stopped by. Sadly, this year looks like it’s going to be an exact repeat of last year since we’re all in quarantine. I’m so, so, sorry about this, bud- more than you can know.  But a month or so after your birthday last year, life opened up a bit more with travel baseball, a family vacation and a social bubble that included your best friends. I have no doubt we’ll rebound from this quarantine with no problems either. 





Cheeks for day





You entered 9th grade going to school full time in person this past September. You’re taking enhanced courses, a foreign language, and a graphic design course. You’ve learned to balance your time, prioritize, and juggle a hell of a lot all the while playing two sports. You skipped football this year since football was jammed between basketball and baseball and, let’s face it, baseball is your one true love. 





All in all, 9th grade and your 14th year, hasn’t been all that bad despite Covid-19. You had your first girlfriend, you got to go to school with most of your friends, you lived through a huge home addition / construction project that netted you a new, big bedroom. Hell, we even let you get a TV in your room – something I said I was NEVER going to allow, but Covid quarantines and my need for sanity made a liar out of me. You still hang with the same amazing group of kids outside of school – you and your group of best friends really hasn’t changed since you were little. But you’re happy to hang out with who ever you’re around, wherever you happen to be. Your adaptability and complete faith that everyone wants to be your friend is one of my favorite parts of you.










~*~*~
Every year, I share what I hope for you for this upcoming year. So, sweet child, here is what I wish for you for your 15th year:





  • Never stop being interested. Ask questions, challenge assumptions and be curious about the world around you. 
  • Don’t try to plan your life out. You’re 15 – you’re not supposed to know the answers. Ask questions and feel your way around. No one expects you to have your life planned out no matter what they imply – right now your interests should vary and change. I’m 42 and I’m still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.  Take this time to learn everything you can, keep your grades up, and set yourself up for success no matter what path you choose.
  • Know that this life is yours. Despite us not expecting you to know everything, we do expect you to be mature enough to start making some decisions on your own. Start exercising your ability to say no or yes. Say yes to the things that bring you joy. Say no to things that you know aren’t right – for you, your friends and your safety.
  • Make smart decisions. Oh sweet boy, as awesome as it is that the world is opening up to you, it scares me silly. You’re going to be presented with situations, scenarios and decisions that you have to be so smart about. Being smart won’t always be cool and it won’t always be easy – but you know in your gut what’s right and what’s wrong. Listen to your gut, always.
  • Be kind. I say this every year and so far, you’ve done a good job of listening. You, child, are the total package and with that comes responsibility. Be kind to others. Choose to lift others up instead of stepping on them. Always punch up, never down. 
  • Treat your romantic partners exactly how you want your sister to be treated. Be respectful, be polite and always, always ask for consent. Never assume liberties, take their interests into account and don’t be a douche.
  • Insist your romantic partners give you the same consideration. I don’t give a hoot who you date as long as they treat you well. Kindness, consideration, manners and consent are things that should be given in equal measures on both sides – don’t waste your time on a partner who doesn’t treat you well. 
  • Know that you can always ask for help. I don’t care what you need help with, we’ll provide it. From homework to a ride home after you’ve made dumb decisions (because you will make dumb decisions), we will always, always help you. Never doubt that – you, your safety, the safety of your friends, etc are the most important thing in the world to your dad and I. We may yell, we may holler and we may huff in annoyance, but we’ll be there. But we won’t bail you out if you mess up. Bearing responsibility for your decisions is part of growing up, kiddo.
  • Remember that social media is forever.  Now that you’re 15, you have social media. NOTHING you post is private. NOTHING is temporary. Be mindful of what you post, be intentional and don’t do anything that can come back to haunt you. No bullying, no sexting, no name calling, nada. Don’t learn this the hard way. 





I hope your 15th year is awesome, bud! Keep being the amazing kid you are, mind your manners, be smart, and take chances. Hold your friends tight, but don’t be afraid to make new ones. Do things that make your happy, that scare you and that help you grow as a person. Keep learning, pick up a book or two and remember how very loved you are. 

All my love, 
Mom

					


	

		


	
Apr21

	

											
Hopeful.

					
		

			
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Today is April 21 and it’s snowing. Frankly, this isn’t surprising in my neck of the woods – after all, it has snowed on Mother’s Day more years than I can count. We’ve had a span of gorgeous weather for the past few weeks so I’m not even mad at this snow. I can appreciate it for how pretty it is, knowing it’ll be gone in a day or two.





Sunrise





I feel like hopeful is pretty much my general state of mind right now. Last year when the world shut down, I started using Facebook as almost a daily diary to record how I was feeling from moment to moment. It was not good. My anxiety was through the roof as was my frustration and anger and sorrow. But really, it was my anxiety. I worried about everything – our physical health, our mental health, the kid’s schooling, my work, the Hub’s safety at work, friends, family, if our addition was ever going to start (and then end), money, and on and on. Some of the posts are funny, some are sad and some are self-pitying.





I’ll take hopeful over the hot mess my head was this time last year all day, every day.





~*~*~*~





I’m also feeling a tad nostalgic. My baby boy turns 15 shortly. My baby girl turns 13 this summer.





Y’all, I LOVE these ages and I’d like to freeze them right here. They are old enough to be great company, hysterically funny and a joy to be around but young enough that they rely on us for all rides and activities. So I have the joy of kids that are old enough to put themselves to bed, but young enough that I don’t have to worry about them sneaking out. #countryliving One of my kids is inches taller than I am, one is almost as tall. They are stupidly smart, determined and fully their own people and I really, really like the people they are.





We escaped to the beach in March





I am trying to find my blogging groove again. The STORIES I could tell – raising teens is not for the weak or the easily offended and they make me laugh every damn day. But these stories aren’t just mine anymore.  They are mine and the kids; and the kids are old enough to have a say in what I can and cannot share. So while I want to share dating pitfalls and period stories, I won’t. At least not publicly. One day maybe my kids won’t care, but now they do.





So sporadic updates it is until I hit the season of my life where my life is more mine and less chauffeur / cheerleader / woman-praying-she-isn’t-screwing-it-up-too-badly.

					


	

		


	
Sep14

	

											
Back to Life, Back to Reality

					
		

			
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(You’re welcome for that ear worm!)





How can this be one of the best summers, while still being one of the worst? How can it have gone by so fast, while draggggggging?

Mixed emotions is 100% the mood of 2020.





The good.
We had a great summer, all things considered.  We managed to take two vacations – one to the Outer Banks and one to a semi-local camp ground. 3 days before we were set to go to the OBX, our governor put NC on the do-not-travel list. But, we had already sunk our money into a beach house (reserved pre-Corona) and we were ready to go with my parents, siblings and their families. We weren’t going to be refunded our money if we didn’t go- so we went.










And it was perfect – we split out time between the house, the pool at the house and the beach. There was next to no one at the beach, so we never felt crowded or unsafe. Our only outings were to the grocery store wearing masks, with Lysol wipes in hand. We had zero problems and zero regrets going. 





A month later, we went camping for a week. It was us and a tent during one of the hottest weeks of the year and we survived. It was laid back, quiet and lovely to spend time with family even if it did come with a side of mosquito bites and the smell of bug spray on every article of clothing. 










Scorch got to play a lot of baseball this summer, the addition on the house is officially under way and really, we just enjoyed the hell of each other this summer. 





The Bad
Do I really need to talk about the bad? Thankfully my family haven’t had to deal with the reality of Covid outside of the ramification on our day to day life. We’ve been healthy, something I’m extraordinarily thankful for.  We mask up in public spaces where we can’t socially distance, we kept to our quarantine squads and I carry a never-ending supply of wipes and hand sanitizer. 





Given the Hub’s job, avoiding the social unrest and protests were impossible, heartbreaking and maddening. That weighed incredibly heavy on all of us this summer, but especially him. 





The Reality
But, as of today, summer is officially over.  The kiddos started back to school 5 days a week in person.  There is mandatory mask wearing, social distancing and an abundance of hand sanitizer every where. I’m confident in our school, our administrators and our teachers that things are as ready for school as possible.





Doesn’t mean I wasn’t a basketcase today though. Y’all – Bean started 7th grade. She graduated her small Catholic school and is now at the public school. When we talked about this is year in years past it was with the reassurance that her person, her best friend L would be there with her. But L is doing her work fully remote this year, so Bean is on her own. She met up with another friend to go into school today- but, my heart, y’all my heart. 





Bean and her friends didn’t get their orientation, they didn’t get an organized tour, they didn’t get to meet their teachers or scope the school out ahead of time like Scorch did. Luckily, a friend gave a few kids a tour- but still. I felt like I was kicking my baby off the deep end of the dock without knowing if she fully knew how to swim today.





Don’t mind the porch- it’s being REPLACED with the addition!!!





Don’t even get me started on Scorch starting 9th grade. HOW is that possible?! Technically the junior high and the high school are the same building- but the kids from each don’t mingle much or go into each other’s areas. So while it’s not really a new school, it felt like it.  Thankfully he’s pretty good with winging it and we know enough staff and teachers in the high school that I know he’ll do OK.





I hope. I pray. Please, kiddos, do OK. 





These past 6 months at home with the kids have been everything good and bad all at once. I hate to say it was a gift because I don’t want to minimize the suffering, sacrifice and loss faced by so many- but for my little family, it was a pause we learned to appreciate. It was a chance to learn more about each other, a time to soak in each other’s company and a time to be thankful for all we do have. 





While I’m not sad the kids are back to school, I am a little melancholy this week, missing my sidekicks and constant company.  I’m wishing all our kids, teachers, staff and administrators dealing with school this year the best of luck! 

					


	

		


	
Mar9

	

											
Not Me

					
		

			
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The Bean found my blog.


I mean, I knew the day would come- my kids are the reason I started this blog, after all. My kiddos don’t have baby books and most of their childhood pictures are stored in Shutterfly, not in physical albums. I didn’t keep many of their childhood mementos outside of a few blankets, some books and a few stuffed animals. But I have been chronicling their childhood for almost 10 years now- since the kids were 4 and 2.


Since she’s been going back and reading my old entries, I got nostalgic and started to do the same.  One of the things I used to on Monday’s was “Not Me Monday” back when widely used blog themes were a thing.  “Not Me Monday” was a way to confess your sins and since the old entries made me laugh, I figured I’d share a few of my gems lately:


    

  • While in Mexico, the Bean got M&Ms and immediately told Scorch he couldn’t have any. He didn’t want any – but he *always* wants to torment her, so for 30 minutes straight, he followed her around making comments like “Yummm…those M&Ms look amazing!” or “You know what I’m craving, M&Ms!” or “Mom, the minute Bean puts those M&Ms down, Imma going to snagging them.”  I was not too busy laughing hysterically at him to make him knock it off when the Bean pleaded with me to do so.
    • 

  • Later that same day, I was blessedly at the pool sans any kids, reading my Kindle. 4 chairs down from me was a mom, trying in vain to read her magazine while her son and daughter squabbled in the pool over things just as dumb as M&Ms. The mom finally LOSES it and goes “This is supposed to be FUN. We are flipping on vacation in MEXICO and you’re making me crazy.”
    
I did not want to high-five her in solidarity or at least find some of the Bean’s M&Ms to share with her. 
    • 

  • Earlier this week, Scorch was in class and accidentally drew on his face with his pencil. When one of his friends told him they could see the mark, my son absolutely did not proceed to draw a penis on his forehead and then have to walk around alllll day with his bangs pulled down to hide it when he couldn’t erase it. (“Mom- it was the only thing I could think of to draw!” #teens)
    • 

  • I did not laugh stupidly hard at a “69” reference in an Instagram video because Scorch and his buddies are obsessed with certain numbers (69, 420, etc) which evidently has dropped my sense of humor down to a middle-school level.* I also certainly did not save the video to show him when he got home from school.
    • 

  • Within seconds of picking the Bean up from school, it was clear she was in a mood. After 2 minutes of grumpiness and a snotty tone, I told her she wasn’t allowed to speak to me again until she could do so with a civil tongue. We did not not speak for over an hour. #tweens
    • 



Hot Mess Express graphic with a purple background and pink words


So, spill – what haven’t YOU done lately?!


 


*Please note: I DID (and do, frequently) absolutely talk to my kid about these numbers, what they mean, how they are not appropriate in a lot of places/context, etc – but he’s 13 and he’s in middle school and kids laugh about dumb stuff no matter how mature and enlightened you try to make them. I can either freak out over it every time or embrace my inner 13 year when something is legitimately funny. This video was NOT sexual in any way shape or form, it was just simply a bunch of idiot teens freaking out when that number was called out in public – and it was really, really funny.