Author Archives: Heather

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About Heather

I adore my family, writing, books, cats, lazy mornings in bed, and chocolate. I'll never say no to breakfast for dinner, long talks with friends and lazy summer days at the pool with family. My life is often crazy, always awesome and one I'm so happy to be living! My side hustle is editing and proofing work. Find out more at https://heathercaryn.com/
Apr23

Don’t Ignore: The Scars Still Show

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Yesterday marked the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. NIAW was started by an amazing organization, RESOLVE, back in 1989 to help educate people about infertility and to help erase the stigma of the disease. I mark this week each year looking at my kids and marveling at how very lucky the Hubs and I are to have them at all.

It’s been a little over 9 years since the Hubs and I started trying to have a family. Back then, I knew a grand total of 1 person in my life who had trouble having kids. While I had a great outlet online to talk women in similar situation, the vast majority of people in our day-to-day lives didn’t have a clue what we were going through. It was isolating and frustrating and scary as hell when everyone around us kept saying things like “All he had to do what look at me and I got pregnant.” or “We weren’t even trying- this pregnancy just happened.”  or “Just relax, you’ll get knocked up in no time.”

People didn’t mean to be hurtful, they didn’t mean to be cruel- they just didn’t understand.  “Relaxing” doesn’t fix medical issues.

For some, babies don’t just happen. For some, having a baby requires thousands and thousand of dollars in expenses even with great insurance (which we had).  Having a baby requires daily shots for years and medicine that makes you moody and crabby and hot and fat.  Having a baby requires prayers and tears and raging at God wondering why the druggie on the street corner has a baby every year that ends up in the foster system while you- an employed, stable, married, willing woman- can’t have even one.  Having a baby means having sex with your husband only when you’re told to and only in certain positions to try to maximize the changes of making that coveted baby- it’s not about love or lust any more. Having a baby means living and dying by the calendar as  you wait and test and pray that you ovulate and then wait and test and pray that you conceived.  Having a baby means analyzing every single thing your body does during that 2 week wait wondering if that twinge or that cramp means you’ll finally see those two lines on the pregnancy test.

Trying- and failing- to have a baby starts to color everything.  I started to turn into an ugly person, one who wouldn’t- couldn’t- be happy at a friend’s pregnancy announcement. There simply wasn’t any room for happiness when I was so jealous I couldn’t see straight. After we finally got pregnant and I started to have the miscarriages, I’d find myself wishing that someone- anyone- around me would have a miscarriage so that someone could finally know how I felt. I’m not proud of those thoughts- they are hard to even write about now- but that was my reality.  Infertility robbed me of my ability to feel joy at a friend’s pregnancy.

But the the Hubs and I were lucky- we made it to the other side and we have two amazing, gorgeous kids to show for it.

But others aren’t so lucky and are still fighting this battle. So please, be mindful and be kind. Don’t assume that babies are always the next natural steps in someone’s lives.  If someone does tell you that they are dealing with infertility, tell them you’re sorry and offer to listen. Don’t share the story about your cousin’s best friend’s sister who adopted and then- BAM- ended up pregnant. Don’t judge a couple for going through the infertility treatments and not adopting- or vice versa. You have no idea why they picked the path they did.  If you know someone who is dealing with infertility, be mindful of how you share the news of your pregnancy.  I promise they will be happy for you and rejoice with you- but it may not be right away and if it’s not, remember that’s not a reflection on you or your friendship.

Today I know of at least 8 people in my day to day life that have struggled or are struggling to start their families. Infertility isn’t going anywhere and having a baby isn’t always as simple as you think. Please, don’t ignore infertility and all it’s victims. Educate yourself about the basics of infertility and the importance of NIAW.

 

 

Apr18

Seriously? Seriously.

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Having our kids stay home with our very awesome nanny, Mary, for their first couple of years was amazing for for more reasons then I could count.

Unfortunately there is a not-so-amazing side- the kids (relatively) immature immune systems. Mary took them a ton of places while she watched them- play groups, parks, museums and every place in between- but none of them can mimic the cesspool of germs that is a 3 year old Pre-K classroom. The Bean’s teachers (and the school’s janitorial service) do a great job keeping the classroom clean, but when you have twenty 3 year olds in the same room for 7 hours a day / 5 days a week things are just nasty.  And the Bean, bless her sweet heart, has picked up every one of those germs.

In 19 days, the poor child has had strep throat, an ear infection, a wicked cold and now an stomach bug. She just can’t catch a break.  We’ve done two different kinds of oral antibiotics (that was fun) as well as a shot of antibiotic for the ear infection. She’s recovered really quickly from everything except this tummy bug- this has laid her out for the past 29 hours which is a record for my Bean.

While most of me is thrilled we had such a mild winter, I really wish we got a long enough cold snap to kill off some of these germs. *sigh* It can only go up from here, right?

Apr17

Big or Little? That’s the Question.

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Let’s talk birthday parties.

Scorch is turning 6 soon- a fact I still can’t wrap my head around. For the past few birthdays we’ve been able to get away with small kids birthday parties. We’ve taken his BFF to a ball game or taken a few friends mini-golfing and then out to dinner- that sort of thing.  We do have a big family party with 30+ people where we include his BFFs and their families, but we’ve never done a big kids party.

But this year, Scorch is asking for one. He wants a party for all his classmates (20 of them),  plus some other friends. Me?  I am cringing at the thought.

I don’t know why I don’t like them- we’ve been to a ton of them where my kids have had a blast, but they seem like so much work. And I’m lazy. The planning, tracking down addresses, mailing invites, setting up, getting the supplies, supplying the food, getting a cake, unwrapping 20+ gifts that Scorch doesn’t need, sending out all the thank you cards. And don’t even get me started on the goodie bags.  I’m exhausted just thinking about it, quite frankly.

On top of that, I think smaller parties and experiences are just plain more fun. There is no worrying about if Suzy is having fun or if Johnny got his feelings hurt.  Scorch can spend time with the kids he’s really close with and we can make the whole thing so much more personal for him and his guests.

But my kid is an awesome little boy and he really doesn’t ask for much. So I struggle- do I plan a big party for him or do I try to lure him to my way of thinking with the promise of a special small outing for his besties at the zoo or dinosaur museum? When does my opinion stop mattering more than his?*

What do you guys do for your kids birthdays? Do you have a big blowout with 25 of his/her closest friends? Or do you keep it small like I’m trying to do?

*Hoping the answer to that is never.

Apr15

Harsh

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I am not your friend anymore!

Well, I am not your friend either!

That was a conversation we heard last night, complete with dirty looks and jutted hips, when we were at friend’s for dinner. These friends have a son in Scorch’s class and a daughter in the Bean’s class, so we see them quite frequently- it’s a huge bonus that we love hanging out with them.

Last night we showed up at their house for dinner- the boys darted off one way and the girls another. In no time at all the boys are play fighting, trying out the latest kung fu moves they picked up from TV. All is well until someone actually gets hurt. Tears flow, apologies are made, warnings are given and the boys are BFFs  again. Violent? Maybe. But simple and easy- there are no hard feelings.

But with the girls, it’s not so easy. They play wonderfully together for a good hour until it comes time to share something they both want. The girls don’t physically fight each other- but I worry their words do more damage. Threats of no longer being friends, telling each other they don’t like each other, evil stares from across the rooms as we parents talk to our respective kids. They are 3. It takes a few minutes, but thankfully they are back to being friends again soon.

But that meanness scares me. I realize that at 3, words are the only weapons kids have and I’m thrilled to see my Bean standing up for herself. But, I don’t want her to be a mean kid or to react meanly to those who aren’t nice to her. I don’t want her cutting people down- I want her to use her words to build people up, to talk through issues, to work out a plan to share the coveted toy. I realize that all that isn’t possible for a 3 year old and that those skills will evolve.  Until then, it’s the Hubs and my job to guide her not only with our words, but our actions as well. I make sure she and Scorch see us working on and resolving issues with kindness, fairness and empathy- not with harsh words and threats.

She’ll get there, I know she will- I just hope her words, and those of her friends, don’t get much sharper in the meantime.

 

 

Apr11

5 Good Things

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Given that I don’t actually have anything of substance to talk about today, I’m just going to share 5 good things going on in our lives:

1. The kids and I read a new book today that made us laugh called Hattie the Bad. Hattie is a little girl who thinks being good is boring, so she decides to be bad- she put frogs in the fridge, likes to scare people and tries to sell her brother at a garage sale. Hattie is so naughty that while the kids all love her, the parents tell them they can’t play with her any more. So Hattie decides to be the best she can possibly be- only that is a little boring. None of her friends want to hang around her anymore since she’s so very good. So Hattie has to figure out what is the mix that makes her her. While I’m not entirely sure how I feel about a book that portrays a child being super good as one with no friends, the book itself was funny, beautifully illustrated and it prompted a great conversation between Scorch and me.

2. Finally, finally, our grocery store has amazing watermelon in stock. I don’t know where it was made- it could have been dipped in all sorts of crazy chemicals for all I know- but it was amazing and that makes me (and my kids!) happy.

3. I found a way to download all my old Facebook posts!! I’ve been wondering how to do this for quite some time as some of my family’s funniest moments and greatest memories are written there and I was thrilled to find out how stinking easy it was. Formatting isn’t perfect- but at least I have something.

4. Little League starts this week for Scorch. We’ve been talking about this forever so I’m beyond happy that the season is finally starting. I’m a little nervous as Scorch is on a team with 6, 7 and 8 year olds, but the Hubs is coaching along with 2 great friends and long time baseball coaches, so I’m sure we’ll be fine.

5. I’m off tomorrow and Friday for the last 2 days of the kid’s Spring Break. I have no idea what we’re doing or how we’re going to pass the time, but I’m excited for a 4 day weekend with the family!

 

Apr10

Short Term Quiet

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Yesterday, my house was quiet and still for the first time in a long time.

No running feet, no yelling, no begging for a treat in the middle of the day, no bed time battles or reminders to brush your teeth/wash your hands/flush the stinking toilet! Just silence.

It’s spring break at my kid’s school so my parent kindly offered to keep the kids over night Sunday & Monday so the Hubs and I could work guilt free these past two days. The Hubs and I savored every single minute. We slept in late(r), we went out for shopping, dinner and a movie last night, we didn’t go to bed until almost 1 am and the only thing that woke us this morning was the alarm clock- not a little face standing two inches from me screaming “MOMMY!” because evidently my kids think I’m deaf. We ate dinner at a place my kids hate and I didn’t have to mop up sticky syrup from the kitchen table this morning or listen to the theme song from Blue Clues 13 times in a row.  It’s a luxury to be able to relish the quiet knowing that my kids are in great hands- hands that I sometimes think parent better then the Hubs & I do.

Tonight I got to pick my kids up from my parents and I was so excited to see their little face- my house is alive again. The quiet was wonderful- but I’m so glad it only lasted a short time.

 

Apr5

Shrinkage

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My kids are not adjusting to our crazy weather very well. Last month we had almost 2 weeks of warm weather- it even hit the 80’s for a few days.  We all but lived outside- dinners normally eaten at 6 weren’t served until 7, bedtimes at 7 were pushed back until 8.  We were out of sorts and tired, but we sucked up every minute of the sunshine and warmth on the swings or at the baseball diamond.

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Sadly, the weather has turned much more seasonable- in the 40s and 50s. The sunshine has stayed around though so my kids are convinced we need to continue our streak of outside time. The problem with that is that 1) it’s freaking freezing out and 2) I’m a wuss. But, going outside means my kids get tired out  much more quickly so I suck it up.  We usually log at least a good hour outside every afternoon- running around, riding bikes, playing in the creek.  Since we living in the country the kids have a lot of privacy to run around like crazy people.

Which is why I had to have the fun discussion with Scorch about the effects of cold weather on certain parts of the male anatomy when he was too lazy to go inside to use the bathroom. That was a conversion I never really expected to have. Ever.

Apr4

The Other F Word

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Dear person who taught my son the word “fart,”

I don’t like you. At all.

*sigh* Like a lot of words, I’m finding that some sound very different when coming out of the mouth of an adult versus that of a child. And lately that word for me is fart. We have always used the word “toot” before- it just sounded softer and kinder.  But within the past few months, Scorch learned the word fart and I swear to you he drops it at least 2 dozen times a day.

He’s not using it to call people names or anything, he’s just simply saying it all. the.damn. time. to himself because the boy never stops talking. If he’s not talking to us, he’s talking to himself or his sister or the cats or the dog and somehow that word gets weaved in there. It’s a noun, adjective and verb all rolled into one given the creative ways this child finds to use it. We remind him a gazillion times a day that that word is Not Allowed and that may stop him for 5 minutes, but he’s at it again in no time. When we yell at him, he simply says that he forgot.

So, I’m trying to figure out when to let this one go. His friends use it. The older kids he knows use it. Heck, his father has been known to use the word in front of him before. I realize that on the scale of unacceptable words, this one is pretty low on the list but it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. Think I’ll eventually become immune?

Apr1

No Good Deed…

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The Hubs and are I very lucky that, thanks to a great babysitter and family nearby, that we get to go out without kids at least once a month.  Typically these dates are very fluid- if we have to cancel our sitter due to any sort of emergency, it’s not a big deal. Very rarely do we have an engagement on a specific date that we really can’t miss.

This past Friday was one of those dates.  I had gotten the Hubs tickets to a show for Christmas and the long awaited day finally arrived. We were psyched- we had dinner planned with friends before hand, then the show.

That is why I wasn’t at all surprised when I checked my messages before leaving the gym at 6:30 am Friday to see the Hubs texted me to tell me the Bean threw up.  Of course she did.

Being the planner that I am, I had plans A, B & C formulated in my head before I got home 15 minutes later.  One way or the other, the Hubs was going to this show even if I couldn’t join him.  Thankfully the Bean was feeling fine by 11 am and my Mom, bless her, still offered to come up and babysit for us.  We had a great night- a night so great that it proved to me once again that I’m not 21 any more, nor can I act like it if I expect to get up and be a productive member of society the next day.

Unfortunately for my mom, she also paid for her kindness by spending all last night sick with a stomach bug. I guess it’s true- no good deed does go unpunished.

 

Mar27

Blessed Be the School Secretaries

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The ongoing saga of getting medicine into Bean continues…

Last we left off, the Hubs and I were trying to get the powder from the capsules into her food so she’d ingest it. We were, at best, minimally successful, so I called the doctor’s Monday morning to see what else he could recommend. Honestly, I was hoping he’d suggest a shot of antibiotic because frankly, it would have been easier on all of us.  But, he didn’t- instead we decided on an antibiotic that could be easily flavored in the hopes of at least getting her to choke it down.

It took her 45 minutes, 3 meltdowns, countless threats of being held down so the medicine could be squirted in her mouth*, a half a bag of M&M and some cheese balls for her to take about 3/4 of it.  I promised her I’d get her more goodies if only she’d take her medicine.  That is why I found myself at a gas station at 6:30 this morning, sweaty and yucky from working out, stocking up on soda, M&Ms, and munchkins from Dunkin Dounuts. And even after all that, we only got 1/2 of her dose (which is only 1 tsp mind you) down her.

So I did what any desperate, out-of-ideas parent would do.

I took the Bean’s medicine to school and begged the school secretaries to give her her medicine at lunch time. I stressed that she probably wouldn’t take it and for them not to stress out about it, but if they could give it a try I’d be eternally grateful. I left the school convinced this was going to end badly for them and the Bean.

When I went back to school that afternoon to get the medicine from the office, the secretaries told me she took it all without a fuss.

Of course she did- because she’s out to give me a nervous breakdown and to make me look like a fool in front of the school staff. The Bean is so lucky she’s so darn cute.