So tonight started out like any other night. In fact, tonight was better then a lot of other nights. We went to the library and I hit the motherload of books. And not only did I find books I can’t wait to read, I even found a new Mo Willems book for the kids. If that doesn’t make for an awesome night, I don’t know what does.

Then we went to swim class where the kids had a freaking ball and we came home so we could all relax at home and life was good.  That is, until Scorch got out of bed to ask me a question.  That is when life went south. Quickly.

“Mom, June told me something today. She told me that there is no Santa Claus. Or Tooth Fairy. She said it’s really our parents giving us toys or money.”

Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me?!?!  He’s 6 years old- I figured we had at least 2 more years before we had to deal with this!  So I did what any other parent would do- I plead poverty and squeamishness then I plain old lied.

“Bud- do you think we have the money to buy you all those toys ourselves? And your teeth? I wouldn’t touch them with a 10 foot pole. Do you remember how grossed out I was after you lost your tooth? Do you really think I’d get up in the middle of the night just so I could go fish your tooth out from  under your pillow and touch it?! Are you kidding me?”

He considered that for a while and agreed that I was, in fact, completely disgusted by teeth. But he still wasn’t too sure about the whole Santa thing. So I pulled out the big guns.

“Alright, if there is no Santa, where does Buddy the Elf go at night? He’s not here any of the times I get up to use the bathroom- he must be at the North Pole.”

Thankfully that seemed to have stumped him for the time being- evidently I’m a very convincing actress at 6 am when I pretend not to know where Buddy is hiding.

*sigh* I think (hope/pray) we dodged the bullet this time around.  The Hubs and I synched up when he got home, so we have our stories straight. Let’s just hope we still have more power over Scorch then his friends.

When I take my kids to the park, I’m that mom.  The one who has no problem telling the teenagers to watch their mouths or asking the little kids to stop throwing rocks.  I try not to be a pain and I don’t insert myself if there is a parent dealing with their kid, but if your kid can harm my kids or teach them words they shouldn’t know, you can bet I’ll say something.  But today something happened at the park and I didn’t have a clue how to respond.

As Scorch was waiting for his turn on the monkey bars, a little girl around 10 years old came up to him and told him he was hot.

Are. You. Kidding. Me?

My jaw dropped and I had absolutely no clue how to respond.  Scorch  knows that “hot” is a not so nice way of telling someone they are pretty/handsome. He knows it’s slang and that it’s considered rude for kids to use.   I realize that not everyone subscribes to our thought process about that word, but that is the line in the sand we drew because in my opinion, hearing a kid younger then 16 say that word about someone else is just plain creepy.  Any how, Scorch asked her to repeat herself because he wasn’t paying attention. When he heard what he said, he just giggled a little, said “Oh” and proceeded to start on the monkey bars.

I had no idea if I should talk to this child (her parents were no where around). If I did talk to her, what do I say? Do I draw attention to this or will drawing attention make it a bigger deal then it was?  Do I call Scorch over to me and talk to him? Do we leave? Do I ignore it? I really had no idea.

I ended up calling Scorch over- but before I could, this same girl told Scorch her friend (also 10+) liked him and did he think the friend was pretty? By this time I’m steaming, so when Scorch came over I asked him if he was OK and if the girls were bothering him.  Then I proceeded to stick close by him the rest of the time we were there so the girls couldn’t say anything more to him.  Thankfully they minded their manners while I was there and nothing more was said- until it was time to leave. When Scorch yelled goodbye, the girl yelled- “Goodbye, lover.”

Lover?! LOVER?!?! (can you hear the screech in my voice?!?!?!??!)  Thankfully Scorch didn’t hear her, but again I was shocked. Scorch is 6 years old- 6! I’m not naive enough to think that he’ll never have to deal with the opposite sex- I read the news and the studies and I know that kids these days are growing up a lot faster. But 6 years old? I think not.

So tell me, what would you  have done? Would you have spoken up? Avoided it all together? Have a follow up discussion with your kids later? I’m totally at a loss here.

This morning as I was driving the kiddos to camp, I heard Scorch repeating the words “peanut butter” to himself and cracking up like it was the funniest thing ever.  But he wasn’t saying it normally- he was stretching the words out.  Pea-nut but-terrrr. Over and over, laughing so hard he got the hiccups.  I couldn’t take it anymore, so I asked him what in the world was so stinking funny.

“Mom- sound it out. Pea-nut but-terrrr Like pee comes out of your nuts and your butt makes the turds come out. Pea-nut but-terrrr”

I admit- this is the part of parenting I suck at.  Ask me about heaven. Or mental illness. Or presidential policy. But throw immature humor at me with a side of questionable language and I freeze.  My brain got stuck on three trains of thought at once.

• Train 1: Bwhahahahahhaha. I never thought of that before- and that shit is funny! Bravo kid!
• Train 2: Correct him- pee doesn’t come out of a boy’s nuts. He shouldn’t be using that word anyhow- but if he is going to use it, he’s going to use it properly, damn it.
• Train 3: Gasp like a Victorian spinster who has never heard such language and foulness before and then lay into him. Yes, it’s funny but also really inappropriate for a 6 year old. Especially in front of his 4 year old.

In the end, I did a combo of all three. First I snorted, then I spoke him in no uncertain terms was he to use the word “nuts” or talk potty talk like that, then I corrected him on his word usage.  The funniest / saddest thing that come from the whole discussion is that Scorch is convinced I’m wrong and that nuts = pen!s because that is what the big kids at camp told him and they are right and I’m wrong.

And so it begins. I really thought I had more time up on my pedestal as the beacon of all that was correct and true in this world for my kids. Guess not.