Category Archives: parenting

Nov13

Free Time Gone Wild

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Do you want to know how you know you have too much time on your hands? When you spend a good chunk of your day 1) washing down the outside of your fridge with a Magic Eraser sponge, 2) rearranging all the magnets on said fridge all so you can 3) hang the 4 documents you created- Family Rules, Family Consequence, Scorch’s Chore Chart and Bean’s Chore Chart- just so on the fridge.  All documents are color coded, of course.

Gag me. Next thing you know, I’ll be whipping up some project I saw on Pintrest.

*~*~*~*~*

In all seriousness, the documents I created were a long time coming. The kids have been a tad bit challenging lately. Typical kid stuff- that is, if your kids spoke a completely different language than you and they came from Opposite World. The only way lately to get their attention was to YELL loudly and repeatedly (after already repeating myself 10 times at normal volume) and that’s not a fun environment for anyone. Growing up, I babysat for a family where the mom was a yell’er- she could be heard all throughout the neighborhood and her kids completely tuned her out. I was having flashbacks and realizing I was becoming her so something had to give and the documents were born.

Really, there is *nothing* earth shattering on any of them. The rules are basic, the consequences expected and the chores typical little kids stuff. But so far, so good. Instead of being the bad guy, I can point to the rules. When I dole out immediate consequences instead of yelling myself horse, the kids can’t say they haven’t been warned.  And they both have a list of things they are expected to do each and every day. I don’t know if the kids were blinded by the sparkling fridge or impressed by the charts, but tonight was by far one of our calmer nights. Whatever it was, here’s hoping it continues to work!

 

Nov4

Are You There God, It’s Me…

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You know how before you had your kids, you totally knew what kind of parent you were going to be? I knew, for example, that I was going to be that mom that was cool and laid back about all my kids questions. No matter what the subject, I was going to answer my kids honestly and openly and create a really good dialogue so my kids felt listened to and were well educated.

Yeah. Then I had kids and now I lie to them all the time because MY GOD- what did you just ask me?!

My kids have skirted around the issue of where babies come from. So far most of their questions about baby making have been so vague I can easily avoid giving them the (age appropriate) details.  However, they do know how babies are born– a process which Bean thinks is disgusting and awful. So I shouldn’t have been surprised the other day when she asked me how a lady could make sure she didn’t have a baby.

I admit- I froze. What in the holy hell do I tell her? She doesn’t know where babies come from, so obviously discussions about abstinence and birth control weren’t even remotely possible. So I did what I do best- I lied. I told her that if a lady doesn’t want to have a baby, she just has to tell God 3 times very seriously that she doesn’t want to be a mom and God will take care of the rest.

Her response? “Well, I’m going to tell God 100 times that I don’t want want to be a mom because I really don’t want to have a kid. Ever.”I’ve heard her whispering her prayer every single night, reminding God that she doesn’t want to be a mom.

My kids are so screwed having me as their primary source of information, aren’t they?!

~*~*~

In all seriousness- anyone know of any good birds and the bees books I can have on hand for when I have to actually share the truth with the kids?

Sep4

Girls

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So…back to school. Scorch started today and Beaner starts tomorrow (which is good since, you know, stomach bug). The Bean was feeling better today, so we did go and drop off her supplies to her classroom. While she was doing a quick project, I made small talk with her teacher.  In the midst of our conversation, it came out that out of the 26 kids in the Bean’s class, 19 of them were girls.

As the Bean’s teacher was telling me this her nose crinkled as she wore that universal look of “Whoo boy.” And I found myself mimicking her- frankly upset that the Bean was going to have to be around all that estrogen. Ugh. The drama.  Girls- they are sort of the worst, aren’t they? That’s why I moved the Bean to a boy-heavy class last year, you know?

And then I caught myself. Because I’m a girl. And I’m kind of awesome. And so is my Mom. And my sister. And the rest of my relatives. And my female friends- some of whom I’ve had since 3rd grade.  So why all the girl hate? Because that- that is the worst.

Some of it may because the only true female friendship the Bean’s had over the past few years that I’ve seen up close has been full all the drama and yelling and tears that you dread. Each and every get together ends with me sitting both girls down, making them hold hands and explaining to them how friendship works- then they are good for a while, and back at it again. It astounds me how vicious they can be to each other with their words.  It’s both maddening and sad and I find myself holding my breath the whole time they’re together.

It may be because the vast majority of the kids I spend time with, outside of the Bean, are boys. Scorch, his friends, my nephews- they’ve all become the Bean’s friends and she often time prefers hanging out with them than the girls. I’m not raising a girly-girl- she’s much more apt to play Star Wars and Harry Potter than she is My Little Pony or Barbies. I’m not saying that boys are easy all the time- but they seems to be easier thus far than girls in my limited experience.

But whatever the reason, I’m over it.

I’m over the fretting and worrying and the wrinkling of my nose. Because girls ARE awesome and this is going to be the year Bean embraces that. I’m so thankful that she has so many amazing role models in her life- male and female- that she and Scorch can pattern after. I’m so glad that I have family and friends close by so she can see how friendship works. How we listen to and respect each other. How we settle our difference and talk things through and how we never have to resort to meanness. The girl’s Bean has class with are the kids she’ll be stuck with until at least 6th grade so even if they all don’t become BFFs and sing Justin Bieber songs together, she is going to be kinds and respectful even if it kills me.

I wish my kids a lot of things, but at the top of that list is always the friendships I’ve been lucky to have. And I know for the Bean some of them will start tomorrow on her first day of Kindergarten.

Aug21

Bug Boy

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Actual conversation on our way home from camp today:

> Mom, let’s just say I ate an ant. Would it make me sick?

I pretended like I didn’t hear Scorch because frankly, I don’t want to know what prompted this child to ask me that question.

> Mom, I asked you something! Would eating ants make you sick?

I turned up the music louder, hoping to drown him out. I’ve got this parenting thing down pat.

> Mo-oom!

I turned the music down. Clearly he’s not letting this go.

> Scorch, why are you asking me this? Did you eat ants today?

> Just one.

> Just one?! What in the world would possess you to EAT an ANT?!?!

> I don’t know. The other kids were doing it so I thought I’d try. Will it make me sick?

(Now, please remember one of Scorch’s biggest anxiety points is getting sick. The Bean had a 12 hour stomach bug on Tuesday, so he’s a little skittish. I have to weigh my answer carefully. Do I scare the crap out of him and tell him out he could get sooo sick from eating them so he never eats another or do I trying to impress upon him that it’s not a great idea, but it’s not going to harm him?!)

> Scorch, I can honestly tell you that I don’t know as I’ve never eaten an ant. I’m pretty sure you’re going to be fine, but I’m also pretty sure that’s not the healthiest thing to do. Can we just agree that eating ants isn’t a good idea and not do it again?

> *siiiiiigh* Yeah, I guess. But it didn’t taste that bad- it was actually kinda good.

Some days, I have no words.

Aug1

I’ve Had Better

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We just returned from our annual camping trip.  I really wish I could tell you it was as relaxing as years past, but frankly, this was the worst trip we’ve had in as long as I can remember.

First, there was the weather. Hello rain and cold temperatures- you’re not welcome this week.  We arrived on Saturday to the camp ground and within an hour, it started to rain. And it didn’t stop until 4 pm on Sunday.  While we do have a pop-up camper, you still have to get out in the rain to walk to the bathrooms, get food, talk to others, etc.  So we spent Sunday at a local (30 minutes away) mall seeing a movie and wandering around.  Thankfully that night was gorgeous, so we were able to go back, have dinner and a much needed campfire. Monday was lovely, but cold so we drove an hour to this cute touristy town full of great bars and adorable shops. You know- just the things a 5 and 7 year old want to spend their days doing.  Thankfully there was also a 2 hour boat ride to help pass the day along.

boatride

Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday were picture perfect beach days so we did get to soak up some sun and relax.  But the weather was supposed to take another nasty turn Wednesday night, so we packed it in after a day at the beach and headed home 2 days early. That about broke my heart, but there is a very limited number of things to do when the weather is bad and we did ’em all.

The second strike against our trip was the Bean. Or more specifically the Bean and her mighty attitude.  Her sass turned to down right rudeness and for the first 2 days of our trip I really wondered if I gave birth to the spawn of Satan.  She was rude, she was demanding and she made me feel like the biggest parental failure on the earth.  Thankfully after Day 2 (and countless time outs, loss of privileges and discussions), she came back around to her normal self.

And lastly, my husband.  Last week before we left on vacation, he went to the doctors because he thought he had strep throat. That was negative, but he didn’t feel much better before we left. He was a *trooper* on vacation- taking turns getting up with the kids, taking them fishing, playing kickball/baseball/lacrosse- but he clearly didn’t feel good. We got home around 8:30 last night and he was back at the walk-in at 9:15.  Turns out the poor guy has Influenza-B.  In July. While we’re on vacation.  Only him!  Here’s hoping the meds kick in soon.

All that said, the trip was not a complete bust. The kids had a awesome time, despite the weather.  We had a great time with the kids making fun memories on the boat ride and on our first fishing expeditions.  We laughed until I cried around the camp fire at night telling stories and reconnecting with the family and old friends camping with us. The days at the beach that we did have were gorgeous- pure sun shine, clean water, gentle waves.  We ate like kings and I had a blast watching my kids get more self-confident and self-assured navigating their way through camp site life.  We started to teach Scorch how to ride his bike without his training wheels and I taught both kids how to play a mean hand of Uno.  The bad never outweighs the good- I mean, we were on vacation and that can’t suck no matter how hard it tries- but I can’t wait for our do-over next year!

Kiddos_2013 - Copy

 

Jul23

Things I Wonder About

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Today, thankfully, nothing has broken, been peed/puked/pooped upon and/or ruined. I’m calling that a success! The good thing about horrible days is that they set the bar so low that anything seems great in comparison.

I have a lot on my brain, but none of it substantial enough to make up a blog post (I know, right? When has that every stopped me?!) so today you get snippets:

> Is This My Life: A few weeks back, Scorch was taking part in two different sports during the same week. That meant that I washed that boy’s sport-specific socks and jock strap every. single. night.  I kept telling myself as annoying as it was, it was just a week. But then in dawned on me- it may be a week now, but in a few years, that’ll basically be my life when Scorch starts playing school sports. *sob*

> Is This My Life, Part II: Scorch got an MP3 player this past week as a belated birthday gift from some awesome family friends. He loves it- we downloaded about 20 songs on it and 3 approved Harry Potter videos and he’s in heaven.  The downside? He’s got those stinking headphones plugged into his ears all the time- so I’m talking to him or trying to get his attention and he cannot hear me. It’s maddening, so we’ve had to set limits on the thing.  This is a fight we’ll be fighting from now until Scorch moves out.  When did my 7 year old morph into a teenager?

> Puppy Love: We celebrated the Bean’s birthday this past weekend and one of her oldest friends brought her a bouquet of flowers he picked for her out of his garden.  He showed up with his hair combed just so, holding those flowers out and in search of my little girl to give them to. You want to see a bunch of adults melt into big piles of goo? Just watch them watch true puppy love in action- it’s adorable.

> Nosy Neighbors: As I bellowed at my kids while standing in front of an open window, telling them to go to bed for the 1 millionth time tonight, I wondered if my neighbors can hear me.  And I wonder if they judge me. I really hope not because they don’t see them 10 minute ramp up to me losing my cool or the 20 minute bedtime routine before that. One of our neighbors have kids of their own, so I’m sure they at least can sympathize (unless they, or their children, are saints) but the other couple is a childless older couple. I have no idea if they like kids, if they come from big families or if they get the craziness that is bedtime- but I sure hope their only impress of me isn’t as the crazy, screaming mom. Because that would stink.

> The Full Monty: To celebrate my birthday, the Hubs took me to see The Full Monty at a local theater. For the record, this isn’t something the Hubs would ever agree to had I not pulled The Birthday Trump Card on him. He’s not a fan of theater in general, but especially not of musicals about men learning to strip in particular. But the Birthday Wish wins, so we went.  And we loved it. It was so well done, so funny and so enjoyable that I’m flat out disappointed it took us 12 years of living in our town to discover this gem of a theater.  So here’s to getting older and expanding horizons!

 

Apr10

Dirty Magazines

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Now that Scorch has learned to read- and has become quite proficient at it- he’s reading everything. *Everything.*  Do you know how annoying that is?

We (I) subscribe to one magazine- Redbook.  It’s not a dirty magazine by any stretch, but now that I know my 6 year old reads it, it sure feels like it. Before, I used to read the magazine and see absolutely nothing that jumped out at me- it’s a great mix of fashion, makeup, advice, real life stories and recipes. But when I read it knowing there is a good chance Scorch is going to see it, all I see are the words  “sex” and “orgasm” and “tampons” jumping out on me from every stinking line*.  Every single ad seems like its got mostly naked people in it hawking everything from perfume to dish washing detergent.**  I honestly feel like I have to hide the magazine on the top shelf of the bathroom closest just to keep him from reading it.

Ah parenthood- that special time when you realize you really are a closet prude.

 

*They aren’t on every line.

**They aren’t.

Apr7

Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Hi.

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Before I had kids, my friend Jo and I would frequently hit up a local walking trail with the dogs.  It was a great way to exercise and get all the latest gossip.  Well, Jo and I are now have two kids apiece- 3 of whom are all old enough to go for an easy hike.  So we threw her youngest into a carrier and took the other three out on the trail.  In my mind, I figured the older kids would run ahead and entertain themselves and Jo and I could get back to our gossiping ways.

Yeah, clearly I’ve never spent any time with my kids before ever.

The walking trail borders a few small lakes and streams. So I spent the whole 2.5 mile walk telling my kids- repeatedly, every 10 steps- why they couldn’t go in the water. Evidently the fact that part of the lakes/streams were still frozen wasn’t good enough.  Nor was the fact they had on sneakers, not rain boots, and if they got their feet wet they’d have to walk back in wet shoes.

All I could think about was this scene from the The Family Guy where the poor mom just wants one freaking minute alone. And it doesn’t happen.

I mean- come on. Would you want to go swimming in that water?! Crazy kids.

Jan14

A Well Laid Trap

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Scorch came home from school today just full of it today. No idea what was up with that kid, but he was a wild man. I had already spoken to him twice about the potty words he was using when I heard him in the other room start chanting “Boobies, boobies, boooooobies!” over and over.

Huh- that was a new one.

Now, I get that I’m raising a boy. At 6, he’s not a baby any more and he’s learning new words and concepts all the time. I can’t stop the march of time, but I can darn well do my damnedest to raise a gentleman. A gentleman who uses correct verbiage for body parts.  So, with a full head of steam, I walked purposely out to the living room, intent on having a conversation with my son about slang words, body parts and showing some respect. It wasn’t going to be fun, it wasn’t going to be pretty- but I was ready.

“Scorch- that word you were saying? We need to have a talk about it.”

“Boobie?”

“Yup- that’s the one.”

“Why? Are we going to build one?”

“Build one what, bud?” <I’m way confused now>

“A booby trap. Like on Indiana Jones- are we going to build one?”

“Ohhhhh….nope. Never mind- forget I said anything.”

And that is how I ended up spending a good part of my evening planning with Scorch how he could build a booby trap for his sister. Awesome.

 

 

Jan6

Walking Disasters

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That about sums us up today…

This morning we got up and out a little earlier then usual so we could attend a fundraiser breakfast for the kid’s school. The kids were excited and I was thrilled because there are few things I like better then breakfast out.  But, we didn’t even make it out of the driveway before the drama started. Scorch wanted to bring two lego figures with him to breakfast and asked me to get him a good guy and a bad guy.  All I could find were two bad guys and he was Not Pleased. At all. So he generally threw a fit the entire 10 minute drive over.

When we got to the restaurant, Scorch dropped the hat to one of his lego guys into a crevice of the car and he couldn’t reach it.  This normally wouldn’t be a huge deal, but the Hubs was dropping us off and there was a line of 4 cars behind us waiting to get out while Scorch tried (unsuccessfully) to reach the freaking hat. The Hubs and I finally ended up yelling at him to get him to move out of the car before the folks behind us started honking.  So that’s why I walked into breakfast this morning with a 4 year telling me in a sticky sweet voice how good she’s been and my 6 year old crying. Awesome.

The kids and I got a table, I got Scorch calmed down and we went up the buffet line.  The Hubs wasn’t there, but I decided that we’d be fine. I’d hold the Bean’s plate along with mine and Scorch could hold his.  So I’m ordering my food while constantly muttering “use two hands” under my breath to Scorch. I swear I only took a 2 second break in  my mantra, but that was enough. Scorch got distracted and that big china plate tumbled to the ground, breaking into a million pieces.  Now, if there is anything Scorch hates more then calling attention to himself in a negative way, I don’t know what it is. So suddenly I’m juggling two full plates with a 6 year old burrowing into my side all while trying to help clean up a mess and apologizing left and right.  That was fun.

But the mess got cleaned up and we made it back to the table with our food- just in time for the Hubs to arrive. Finally- man on man defense. So we all dig in and make it 5 whole minutes before disaster strikes again. Just as the Hubs got done warning the Bean to move her cup to the inside of the table, he knocks his OJ to the ground- and, in the process of cleaning that, he dumps the Bean’s water.  As this point, all I can do is laugh. I mean- come on. It’s not even 10:30 in the morning.  I bet the entire wait staff (all 6th graders and parent volunteers) let out a huge sigh of relief when we left.

I wish I could say the day got better, but it really didn’t. The Hubs got a migraine, I was that mom putting her kids in timeout in the aisles of Target and Scorch managed to spill half of my much-loved Starbucks hot chocolate.  But our evening was spent with friends, the Hubs is feeling better and both kids are sound asleep.  Here’s hoping tomorrow is much, much less eventful!